Tag Archives: Nutrition

Emotions Everywhere and I’m Starting to Care!

5 Jun

So so much has happened since I last posted. It’s been surreal.

So I started work the following morning, it was damn hard but I enjoyed it, the things I saw were heartbreaking and very emotional. I watched as Rosie did everything and helped when I could. The next day was my turn to do everything, by our second call I thought I was dying, this lady I was with, was 47, two years ago, she had a tumor removed in her pituitary gland, that night she had a stroke. Her left arm is stuck at a 90 degree angle and her legs are massive with cellulitis and are rock hard, it’s such a sad thing, but after dealing with all that, I was dying! From that moment on I was on a downward spiral all day, I knew it wasn’t going to be a good day. By the time we got to a call, where I could see the woman didn’t have more than 24h to live, which broke my heart as it reminded me of my nan. I knew I couldn’t carry on, I was sick and dizzy and just not well at all! So I told Rosie I had to go home.
6093a188adddb804794445bb261bf32dI thought about what I was going to do, I knew with all my issues and now with my random sickness I get, I was confused. I really wanted this job, I was desperate for it, but could I actually physically do it?
I waited for my references to come through, and spoke to them about my concerns and they told me that they were going to ease me into it as I hadn’t worked for twenty years, so that made me feel better. I did however have my worries the whole time, but this was something I really wanted to do, so I pushed them aside.Then I got my start date!

I was so excited! They started me off with a lot of breaks in between calls. So I thought I would be okay. Oh how I wrong I was. By the time I had my long break I knew I was in trouble. I rang the office and said I was worried again, but I’d make an appointment with my doctor for the afternoon and speak to them and see what they said. She told me not to do anything as it was my first day, but I was worried, I knew how much pain I was in, she didn’t.
I went to my doctor told her what was happening and she said Hayley, you cannot control your pain when you’re doing nothing?! And you want to do a physical job..  It’s not going to get better, it’s going to get worse.

I knew she was right, so I went home and made the phone call to them to say I couldn’t do it and I was distraught. I got home and sobbed and sobbed, I was gutted. I then sent one of the girls in the office a message saying how sorry I was etc etc. And she said to me they had been talking and thought what about if I just did sits. And I thought about it and said yeah I could do that, it’s easy, you sit with someone while their family member goes and does what they need to, mini respite for a few hours. How hard could that be!?

marcel-pariseau-quote-she-cant-deal-with-it-any-moreIt started off okay, then slowly they were putting more on me, there was a couple I was looking after on the weekends, who had dementia, they both had different types. And boy was it hard.
I don’t need to go over all the hard stuff that happened, but the day I realised that I couldn’t do it, was a Sunday I was at this couples house, and I fell asleep at the kitchen table, it was only nodding off, but I knew something wasn’t right, that’s not what I do, I started to be sick, so after a while, I rang and asked if I could go home early, and they told me there was no way I could leave, so I left it a bit longer and then sent a text message to their daughter and asked if I could leave and hour early, she told me she would be down right away.

So I left early and went home and I slept til the Tuesday, turned out I had tonsillitis again for the third time in three months! I was completely wiped out for two whole weeks again. I was so unwell. But that Sunday that I left their home, I knew I couldn’t do this job, if I couldn’t go home to be ill when I needed to, then I couldn’t do the job! It was just killing me.

I was distraught. But what could I do?

So now I’ve learnt my lesson I am not ready for work yet. So I’m going to wait until they force me to go and they can find me a job that I am able to do!

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So of course all this sent me into a downward spiral, I thought I was ready, I thought I was picking my life back up, albeit twenty years later, with arthritis in both hips and my spine and having gone through weight loss service, my stomach and intestines removed, divorced to the husband I thought I would always be with and our twenty year anniversary being in April, I wasn’t coping well at all.cognitive-behavior-therapy-for-depression-in-older-adultsnorthrop-29-728

My food took a hit. I was just eating junk, no real food going in me and I didn’t care. I was starving myself again nutritionally, filling my face with junk like I did when I was 32 stone.

People think it’s easy. Stop eating lose weight. They have no idea it’s a mental issue, not a greed thing. No one can understand unless you have ever been obese. And even then, no one else has any idea of what is going on with you and how you got to be the size you did. There are usually stories for the reasons people gain huge amounts of weight and usually it is not down to just greed alone.  It is so much more complex than that.

6c850e64994c356a69b9dcabb060ddd4But people judge. And boy do they judge obesity. I think I have said it before, but I think the reason get so angry and annoyed at obesity is because it can happen to them, so easily, just one thing changing in their lives can send them into the same spiral that I found myself in twenty years ago. It’s so easy for it to happen. 1lb 7lbs 20lbs it’s so easy to creep up  because of one thing that happens in your life, or it could be a huge life changing thing that happens.  We just don’t know the future and what could happen.
And I think that is why people judge so harshly with obesity. 

So I got to a point where I was starting to feel my clothes getting tighter, I was ignoring it. I didn’t care I wanted junk and only junk! But I knew I was screwing myself over, how could I carry on with what I was doing! I’m going to ruin everything.

So last week I closed my eyes and stepped in the scales! I wanted to hurt myself so much! From my lowest, I was only there for a day, but two and a half stone back on!

Wtf wtf wtf!

Ugh guess what today is the start of.

Pouch reset time.

So the last time I did this, I went almost four weeks without eating I was so petrified of eating again, I couldn’t make myself eat not matter what I did. Even seeing the psychologist didn’t help. The only thing that made me eat again was getting tonsillitis, I think that was my body saying hey missy, eat or I’m going to give you and illness you have never had in your life before because your immune system is so low right now!

Yeah that made me eat again!

And God did I eat again! That was the start of me not stopping which was just intensified when I realised I couldn’t work!

So I started with the five day pouch test and oh dear it started again! I got scared of eating, only kept it kind of under control, day five I managed to force myself to eat a cheese omelette in the evening and today I have made food.  Good real food that my body needs, not junk, I think I needed that to make me think about the fact I actually needed protein and vegetables and all things a good healthy vegetarian needs!

How long it will last is anyone’s guess, but here I am trying and writing on my blog again. It’s always good to write here, I know I’m doing okay when I’m back.

So here I am eating good food, writing and hoping to continue on the good path, though this time next week I shall be on a 90s weekend in Butlins, so I might be on a very strict time limit! Ha

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Soon, with luck!

H x

 

Abso-fucking-lutely!

11 Feb

Well today was the day!
I got out and wasn’t sectioned! hahah

So I took a road trip today, another two hospital road trip with a guy who I have known for four days. More on him later!

Get to Morriston and go in and see Michelle and I explain to her my whole issue with hoarding and eating food, then I come on to my latest problem!
I haven’t eaten for 17 or 18 days now with the exception of Milk, protein powder, gum and now… wait for it!
RUSKS_VMIC_ORIGINALFarleys Rusks.
Yes those crunchy big biscuits for babies! How they hell they got into this no eating thing, I have no idea, but there we have it. Farleys Rusks, Hayleys food of choice!
After spending a very long hour, in which we discussed an awful lot including my marriage which made me cry when I realised how awful I had been to my ex husband, I had known this for a while, but speaking out loud, saying to someone that I would call him downstairs to get me another can of Pepsi Max from the kitchen which was probably twenty steps away, really upset me, if I had stayed being this me, the one who I was when we met, the one who I am again now after surgery, where could we have been, what could have happened to our lives if I had been normal! Who does that kind of thing. It was so selfish, everything was my way, he got a say in nothing and he always went along with it, no question because he loved me.
I think the relationship he is in now, might actually be the other way around and he is the more dominant one. I wish I had let us be equal and didn’t expect him to go out to work and provide for me and me do nothing, then when he came home, expected him to do everything else for me!
And I can’t even tell him how sorry I am.ab69b3f0b346ebfb002eccb61b2877a9
I’m not sure which is harder to deal with, knowing I destroyed our relationship and THEN ended it or not being able to say sorry for being the person I was and while being in control of him, I was in no way in control of myself!

It’s very hard to take now. But I have to move on.

So I’m thinking I have an issue with eating and she seems to think it’s not eating I have a problem with, I have gone weeks without eating proper food, I have gone up and down the sweet/crisp aisle dozens of times and I have not been affected by any of it, I do not want it. Which is always the case, even when I’m buying it, I stand there and wonder, what do I want, nothing in particular and also everything I can see, so I look and look and finally settle on something I think I might want!
quote-Jim-Evans-another-way-to-lose-control-is-to-83304So then I take that home and I feel the need to eat it all at once, or give it to my brother, because firstly there is guilt there because I bought it and secondly I didn’t want it anyway so I need to find a way to get it out of my house and the most obvious answer is to eat the damn stuff as fast as possible!
My problem is actually a fear of losing control of shopping.

How weird, yet it makes absolute sense.
I can go shopping and buy food and eat it perfectly fine when I am buying the right food for me, but I am actually petrified of being in the supermarket and losing control and buying the stuff I don’t actually want, then the whole cycle begins! Because that is the point I lose control, I can’t lose control when I’m sat at home thinking about it, as there is nothing in my house I can eat that will make me feel like that.
Food isn’t my problem (not in this case! clearly it has been!) but I am scared of losing control shopping!
So we came up with some ideas for me to counteract it and be back in control.
And I feel a whole lot better about the situation.
I may not be perfect straight away, but I will get there again and it’s made me feel so so so much better knowing I am not losing control of eating, I’m not eating so how can I be, I didn’t realise I actually have that under control! It’s a fear of shopping and losing control while I am there and there are so many ways I can prevent that now I feel alot better about the whole situation!
It’s funny as I wasn’t really expecting her to be able to help me that much and yet she really has. I guess these people have this job for a reason!

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Much more like it!

Last week I think I met three people three nights running and every single one of them told me I look so much prettier in real life than on my photos! It is still so hard for me to accept! I find it hard enough when people tell me I look pretty on my pics, i’m like wtf they looking at?! But then to be told it to my face is unreal and I still feel uncomfortable with it. I guess being a big fat blob for so long it will never feel any different.
However I cannot say it is not nice when I do hear it from someone!

The third person I met was only a last minute thing, someone cancelled on me and there was a guy I was talking to who lived close to me so I asked if he fancied going for a drive. He had said to me he was after nothing, so I thought why not!
I went and picked him and and we decided to go to the local services for a drink and I hadn’t shut up from the moment I picked him up!
When we got out of the car, something came to my mind so I said to him are you gay or bi, I have no idea why this even came to me, but he said yeah bi, I thought it was on my profile? I said I didn’t notice, which I hadn’t.
We sat there drinking and chatting for quite a while and we spoke about everything, nothing was off limits! And I was actually sad when I had to take him home. Next day I asked if he wanted to come for cuddles and a film and he said he would after work, this was all I wanted as I wasn’t sure how I felt about him being bisexual, so he turned up after work and I put a film on, but had to pause it as again we didn’t stop talking! A few hours later I said shall we go up to bed as my brother will be back soon and I knew he didn’t want to meet anyone yet, so we went upstairs and had a cuddle, movie on pause again and I looked up at him and I could see in his eyes he was desperate to kiss me! So I did.
Wow it was amazing and we did that for quite a while things progressed and stuff happens, but we didn’t have sex.

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Yeah defo!! <3

I had an amazing night, but on the way home I said to him, I really really don’t think you are actually in to women, and I explained my reasons for coming to this conclusion to him and he said to me he had never thought about it like that, but when I pointed it out to him it made perfect sense and he really needed to have a think about what he actually wanted!
The next day he told me he had come off all the dating apps as he needed to figure out what was going on and again he thanked me for making him look at things. He had never been in a relationship with a man, and he had been in a 17 month on off relationship with a girl.
But something just felt right with this guy, we have connected on such a level and we think each other are amazing, but we know thats it, we know we have a friendship for life and we will be very close! But then later that evening he messaged me and wasn’t quite sure how to put it, but the on/off ex had messaged him to tell him a one night stand she had told her he had chlamydia, she had told him there was no one else and they didn’t need to use condoms he was distraught in having to tell me and for himself, in finding out she had lied to him! But after my reaction he said I don’t even know why I worried as I forgot you are frigging awesome! So I said I would go to the clinic in the morning and did he want to come with, so he did and I told him to get everything done, including bloods. The chances of anything for me are extremely slim, I’m not worried we hardly touched. But I prefer being smart about sexual health!

So then we started our road trip to Swansea, normally I have to have the radio on loud, but yet again, talking was just too much, didn’t even listen to one song and we spoke the whole way there and back, I have no idea what we have left to talk about, but it seems like we have everything and nothing all at once and we just seem to make total sense with each other.

These words have so much meaning to me!

These words have so much meaning to me!

If I could bend him poker straight he would be my ideal guy. I abso-fucking-lutely love him!

He makes me so happy!

Valentines day is ours!

Oh I have also found one of the beautiful boys from butlins on one of these apps! AND he replied to my message!! :D

Soon

H x

Ten Percent!?

2 Aug

I drove to Swansea this week for my appointment with the nutritionist.
She asked how I was doing and the usual stuff, I said it was ok, could be better, which she agreed with! I told her I sometimes had biscuits when I got up in the night to take the dogs out, not all the time, I don’t know why I do it, I’m not hungry.
db1caa9e4575c2d1503f71b46145996fShe got me to question the reasons why, which I couldn’t answer other than just because they are there.
She thought this might be the reasons for my stalls, if she thinks they can stall me then she doesn’t know the half of it! I sometimes feel out of control. Not because I am eating loads, but I do often put the wrong things in my mouth and I know full well I shouldn’t. I wish the side effects were more harsh and instant. I can get so ill off what I eat and yet it still isnt enough to stop me! People think this is the easy way out, they have no idea what we put ourselves through to be “normal”. We basically starve our bodies from the moment we have the surgery, we don’t get enough nutrients or vitamins anymore, our body is desperately trying to fix itself, our mind and body have no idea what is going on and we have to deal with what we have done, never be able to eat like a normal person again. Can’t eat and drink at the same time. Get ill or the worry of being ill off alot of food and we took the “easy” way out! Hah! Oh and then nutritionist told me that the surgery only actually accounts for ten, yes TEN percent of the total weightloss.

Yep, we cheated.

9c538c215ba8f2a8a28e4574cce57582I wonder why I have been a bit crazy lately, I think I might have found my answer! As well as coming off my medication, I have no clue what I’m up to anymore. My body is changing but my head isnt. Well it might be, but not in a good way.
I am trying to figure everything out still and I am making huge mistakes and I am paying for them. I don’t know who I am right now or even what I want.

People tell me I am things I don’t even see in myself and I don’t necessarily think they are true. I have realised when I am low, I am very susceptible to suggestion. Today I bought doughnuts. I didn’t want them. I bought three and when I got home I gave them away. Yes I did the right thing, but why did I do it in the first place?

I also need to stop being so personal, this blog is about me. But I have forgotten how many real people I know, actually know about this blog now (stupid Hayley!!) and I can be quite harsh with my words, both written and verbal and I don’t need to be. People I know don’t need to know this crap unless I feel the need to tell them, and somethings are better kept to oneself it seems.73c37abc421bfc69c7eeb134e9fce535 I have been through an emotional time lately and it definetely should have been kept to myself, but I’m not always the smartest person, which is becomming more and more apparent lately! I am infulenced by things and people when I shouldn’t.
But I can also put myself out there and do the right thing when I have made mistakes just as my doughnuts have proved! And the beginning of this week has started off so much better than the whole of last week.
One might even say it was the best day ever!

Sometimes perfection can be found, if time is taken to nurture it!

Soon
H x

perfection

I can beat myself!

20 Jul

I love the things I can just do now.

I messaged Clare to say I needed to talk, I was off to Costa, cos you know, I can drive now! And her husband brought her to me and it was nice sitting there moaning, her two youngest girls came too and it was a beautiful day, so we decided to go up Twmbarlwm, it’s the most scary drive E.V.E.R. The lane is only just big enough for one car and even then it’s pushing it, we had branches and twigs hitting us and when another car comes the other way, we start screaming! Not fun when I’m trying to keep myself alive let alone my friend, a five and three year old! Ugh I am responsible for that. So much pressure!!

We make it to the car park in one piece and are greeted with the climb to the top of the mountain.

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Even looking back at this height there is a really good view, but when we get to the top it’s amazing, and its 360 degrees. I love it. When you reach the pimple at the top (locals call it something else!) you are so hot but luckily the wind picks up nicely, so you have a breeze cooling you back down, which I most definitely need!

Looking out over the Bristol Channel

Looking out over the Bristol Channel

Yesterday was a good food day, lots of protein. I do think I’m getting alot more hungry, which I’m hoping is down to the exercise I’m doing.

I went to the gym twice again today. I beat my first go on the cross trainer when I went back, so that made me happy. Though I noticed when I took the pic it said the effort was 12… it so was not! It was set at 25 all through the exercise, I guess it dropped down to that at the end! I like beating myself :)

Hoping to go again twice tomorrow as well.
I go to that gym now, not bothering about anyone, I smile at people and carry on doing what I’m doing, listening to the songs in my head and pushing myself, sweat dripping off my face (which I hate with a passion!) and I just don’t care, the more I sweat the better I feel now. I know I am pushing myself with all I can. I want this so much, I want to be stronger, fitter, healthier, I want to be me, but better. I wish so much I could have had that when I was younger, I might not have got to where I did.
I see people in there and I feel sad for them, especially if they are young and can see them heading for where I was and I just want to scream at them. They sit there on the machines, putting in no effort whatsoever and it’s quite depressing. I know that there is nothing you can do until you are ready for it, until something clicks in your own head and maybe you will never get it. I left it too late before it clicked for me and we all know what I had to do to make myself better.
Don’t get me wrong, I love my bypass with everything I am, but I wish I it would have happened for me when I was younger,

How far

whether that is me going it alone, or finally being brave enough to admit I needed the help. With all my heart I wish I had done this sooner.
But I am now doing the best I can for myself and that’s all we can expect. I felt such a buzz today sat on the adductor. I could feel the muscles in my legs working. I haven’t had that for a long time and I most definitely liked it, I wanted more. I felt happy. I felt alive. It was good.

I am completely drug free at the moment (barring any bypass drugs ofc!!) I came off my last medical one this past week and oh my! My eyes have opened with how stunted my emotions have been. I am grateful to citalopram for allowing me to go out again, so very, very grateful, but for what it was suppressing for six years I am most definitely not! Maybe one day I shall explain, but lets just say I am enjoying every single feeling I now have back! ;) ..though I might have to deal with my whole marriage breakdown soon.. don’t want to deal with that..
On Sunday I am doing a 5k walk with my old Slimming World group, we are doing Race for Life. I’m looking forward to that, last year I went to cheer them on, hoping I could do it, but me and my dogs just watched, can’t believe I’m actually going to be doing it this year. I have my pink T-shirt ready to go and I will be taking pics, so expect lots! Exciting times!

Soon

H x

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Day Five

22 Aug

… I’m still alive! :D

I really don’t think I’m doing well on this LSD at all. I know most people probably feel the same. If only we had a way to look inside ourselves to see how the liver is doing! lol

I wish I didn’t have a “free” foods list, I see that and go into Slimming World mode :/

I posted on WLSinfo Facebook group last night and asked if anyone would look over My Fitness Pal for me and give any advice. I had a few replies that have helped me. One person has offered to send me her diet as it seems like mine, but with limits and I think I need that.

So from today I’m going to be a bit more restrictive and see how it goes.

I weighed this morning and I think I have lost about 5kg since I weighed at hospital, but I was in clothes there and I wasn’t this morning, so not sure if that is accurate, but I’ll take it for now.

I have cooked alot of quorn fillets so I think I’m going to mainly eat that with some cheese today. It’s kind of like chicken, but with more carbs …and not being chicken! lol


 

 

OH EM GEEEE!!

6 Aug

today-i-am-excited-about-everythingI have been waiting for today since almost the start of my blog. I got my pre op assessment letter this morning and I couldn’t be happier!
One week tomorrow I shall be off to Swansea, it’s been almost a year since I was last there!

And my op has been confirmed for the 10th September, five weeks today! FIVE!!! Woop!

I can’t think about anything else right now, when I can gather my thoughts properly I shall be right back, something maybe interesting or maybe not, but have no fear, I shall be back!

 

I will leave you with this for now.

 

H x

Hospitalcrop

I went Walkies!

20 Jul
My baby girls, Fudge and Cady.

My baby girls, Fudge and Cady.

I got off my butt and did it. Wasn’t far, probably about a mile, but all it takes is one step to get you started, hoping I can keep it up now.

I went out in just a t-shirt and no coat and I noticed it was starting to cloud over and get more windy, but I didn’t care, it felt so nice, just feeling the cold wind on my skin and my hair blowing, it made me smile and feel sad at the same time. 15 years of my life was wasted being stuck indoors, to scared or not able to go out. To be out there today doing this for me, no one else but me, felt wonderful. My dogs were happy, I was happy and for those few minutes life felt good. I keep thinking about the possibilities of where life is going to take me once surgery is done and I really can’t wait to find out now.

I really enjoyed being out with my dogs today and making good choices. I can’t wait for more of that.

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