Tag Archives: thinner


10 Sep


A whole frigging year!

Roux-En-Y September 10 2014

I can’t believe that’s over. This time last year I was unaware of what was happening to my body. Completely unconscious and NOT prepared for that pain, or the eight day stay in hospital!

But it was totally worth it.

Two pounds, two damn pounds off 200lbs in total. And so happy.

At my heaviest I weighed 203kg/448, 165kg/363/lbs before I started pre op and 155kg/341lbs the day before surgery. I am now 113kg/250lbs. I would have liked more after surgery. But in total it is alot to lose. It’s a large man to lose I guess. Who needs one of them strapped to their body all day?

Oh wait :D

I am not where I want to be. And who knows if I ever will be. But I am a completely different person as I have said many times. My life is unrecognisable from when I first started this blog. I didn’t leave the house for over three years, and alot of that time I didn’t even leave my bedroom. I was someone I didn’t recognise, that wasn’t who I was when I was younger, I was being suffocated in more ways than one by the fat that surrounded me.

82ea2429e80bf8d49b9276aecaa43ca7I will never be a slim person, I let myself get too big before doing something about it, there is too much excess skin and fat that’s just never going to move on my body, but I can be happy and healthier than I have been in the last twenty years and for that I am ever so grateful to my surgery.

It’s been a huge rollercoaster of emotions and feelings and thoughts. I’ve met some wonderful and not so wonderful people along the way and I am so glad I have these people in my life now. Without surgery they wouldn’t be here and they have turned out to be some of my closest friends now.

One in particular I probably wouldn’t have got through the year without her. She has been my rock.. sometimes a rock that hits me in the head, but a rock none the less and I love her to pieces. And without surgery and this blog she wouldn’t be a part of my life right now. So if nothing else had come out of all this at least I have that. But it did, so she is just a bonus! lol

So now I guess we need some pics!


H x


I conquered the Wave!

24 Jul

Be warned this post WILL contain some swearing!

Two times at the gym again today, loving it, but it’s got me thinking.



This is me after 200 cals burned on the cross trainer,  I put the effort in and I turn in to sweaty betty, I put it up to 25 effort and bloody work as hard as I can.

My clothes are wet my face is wet and I feel fantastic. When I’m on the weights for my legs I have it set to 30-45kg and I can bloody feel it, today I actually noticed an improvement, normally my legs will only go so far on the adductor and it hurts, I did that so much easier today I felt a little but pleased with myself. But I look around and see past the grunters, we all know who they are, weights as high as they can gurning with the loudest “..eurgh” they can master, and I see the people who just seem to be there to watch the TV on the machines, they’re effort is set at 1 and they are not putting anything in and seem to be having a leisurely time? Now what the fuck is up with that?
Sweat Sparkle

They are all so beautifully slim, hair perfect, makeup done to perfection and not a drop of sweat, wait, excuse me, I mean sparkle on them! Where did I go so tragically wrong that they get to look like that and I got to 32 stone. Okay maybe by just turning up to the gym there was some secret slim society I was unaware of in my teens and twenties and if I had the guts to go at that age I would have magically stayed a healthy weight. But how do they do it? Why do they get to put zero, and I mean ZERO effort in and get to look like that!?
I am seriously baffled by this phenomenon and I know I missed out on the memo at some point in my life, it must have got lost in the post somewhere in time.
Okay, okay I know in reality it’s all my own fault.
Depression is not a good thing and you don’t even know you have it when you do. Me and Clare were talking about it the other day and when you’re in it, to you it’s just life, it’s normal, you just think that’s the way it’s meant to be, until you realise you need help.
quote-easy-225x300I really do know that if I could have seen it, then I could have prevented it all, but I really couldn’t, I didn’t want to be like that, in reality I couldn’t see myself getting bigger, I couldn’t see how bad my life had got. I thought I was happy and okay, I had my husband and I thought that was all I needed. How wrong could I have been.
But now I’m out of it and I see what’s happened, what I did to myself and how I would do anything to go back and make the correct choices it is bloody annoying when I see them in there so jauntily talking and walking, like “yeah I’m doing this I’m so good, I deserve to look this good and be so fit and healthy!” Fuck you, you ARE just lucky, clearly because that shit there ain’t making you fitter or healthier!

...And breathe...


My persistence has paid off though, I have finally figured out the wave machine, I knew something wasn’t right with that, the first day I tried it, it felt totally alien and I couldn’t get it, but the next day I jumped back on and with the assistance of my #gymbunny guide, I got that thing down and it is frigging awesome! You can really feel it working the inner and outer thighs. I love it!

I am so happy right now!


H x


Not too late!

17 Jul

CKEeek I ordered a new bag  but not the one I wanted :( maybe I’ll get that one when it’s back in stock. This one I’m going to use when I go back into hospital, the last one was way too big! It’s so cute, very similar to the bag and purse I’m using now, but… different lol

Had a surreal experience when I was out shopping in Asda earlier. I saw some skinny jeans for £10 and thought I wanted some.

So picked up a 22 and a 22/24 and decided to try them on, something I don’t normally do. I was expecting them not to fit. I tried them both on and they were huge! I thought I was dreaming. I wanted to stand there and cry. I didn’t though. The 20 was also too big, but they didn’t have an 18 in that style, so silly me picked up an 18 in a different style, but I didn’t try them on and just took them home. I guess I knew I would be pushing it with those and I was! They don’t fit.. yet, but it’s ok, to be able to go into Asda and know some of the clothes are too big for me now is a great feeling, I never imagined this could happen.

It’s wonderful.

I know I’m not being the best I can be, but I am going in the right direction. One day it’s all going to fit together. I am trying my best though.. most of the time.

I love this quote, will I be the person I would have been if none of this had happened to me? Probably not, but I can still be who I was meant to be, because this is obviously what was meant to happen. So I will be me and it’s not too late!

I look forward to meeting who I will be!



H x

Head is far behind

25 May

I needed to buy a top for the party last night, so yesterday when my dad picked me up I went and got one from Yours, I don’t normally wear colours, but didn’t want to wear black or white and saw this which I thought was cute.

While I was there I thought I would pick up some trousers, I don’t have that many as it is, but am so fed up of them dragging along the ground and getting wet (thank you British Summer Time!) I thought I would take a look. They had sizes in 30/32 and 26/28 then it was just 24, 22, 20 etc, so I thought I would get the 26/28, I didn’t try them on, the horror as I’m sure many of you will know or remember of trying to change into something in a changing room is just beyond awful, the sweating and hotness, the cramped spaces, the embarrassment if they don’t fit, no thank you, I will deal with it at home! So you either take things home hoping and praying that they fit, so you don’t have to return them to the shop, I hate doing that so, hooray if they do!

happiestI got home and thought I better try everything on, the trousers were way too big and I thought damnit, I don’t want to wear them so they’re dragging again, but I didn’t want to ask my dad to take me back to town, so after talking to Clare I thought sod it, and got them together and went on the bus, I love the freedom I am getting now, it’s getting less and less scary being out there, but I still have my moments, mostly brought on by other people (A little girl in Boots, while I was weighing, I wanted to tell her she was a horrible little girl and her parents should be ashamed of her, but I restrained myself, pretended to be an adult and walked away!) but sometimes, just because my own head conjures up things people might be thinking and saying, I hate that so much.

I got to the store and was all hot and horrible, because it’s warm, but raining atm, so I had to have a coat on, the one good thing about Yours, they realise who their customer is and keep the aircon on, oh that was so nice as I was stood in the queue waiting to be served. I looked for a size 24 still not believing I could fit into it, I’ve always had to get the largest size in shops have which is usually 30/32 sometimes you may be lucky and get a 32/34 (the shame) but they didn’t have a 24, so I was contemplating just walking back out and making do, but something made me pick up the 22, think it was the thought of maybe getting my operation Soon™ [ WoW] or thinking they might fit in a few weeks, so I exchanged them not thinking they would even come close to me. Went and got a drink from Costa and got the bus back home.

Then I got my shock.. not only did they fit, they were not tight in the slightest, okay they are stretchy material and have an elastic waistband, but they fit, there is no way they would have a few months ago. Clare seems to think sizes have got bigger and maybe they have, but it made me feel a bit better before going out! I felt very good, which is a nice change :)

But it’s funny, I have read about people doing that, they see themselves are bigger than they actually are and I never thought I would be one of them, least not yet at this size!

I went to get a salad for dinner today, I had some red Devil Sauce with it, which I love, so god knows how many carbs in that, but I think I have done pretty well in that department, last day, woo. But it doesn’t really matter, I don’t know what I am doing wrong with my Byetta, but it is constantly making me sick, not just nausea, which is pretty bad, but terrible tummy pains and physically sick. I have been taking it for about five months now and Clare and most searches I have done seem to think the nausea should stop after six weeks and I shouldn’t be physically sick, especially not this far out, not unless I’m eating alot of food, which I can guarantee I am not, not even close. So I don’t know what is causing it, does anyone else have this experience with Byetta? I’ve read about pancreatitis being caused with Byetta, but I don’t think the pain is severe enough for it to be that, and it would be a bit dramatic! So Tuesday I shall ring Sian and see what she says I should do. But on the other hand, I do not want to stop taking it, because the thought of putting all this weight back on would be horrendous, I just don’t want to go there at all. So I don’t know what to do, two days in a row, I have been physically ill off small amounts of food, maybe its the fat in it, I’m not sure, but again, no food today, because I am now too scared to eat! Fun times.

If I don’t lose anything tomorrow I’m going to go crazy! You have been warned :p

H x

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