Tag Archives: unhealthy

Emotions Everywhere and I’m Starting to Care!

5 Jun

So so much has happened since I last posted. It’s been surreal.

So I started work the following morning, it was damn hard but I enjoyed it, the things I saw were heartbreaking and very emotional. I watched as Rosie did everything and helped when I could. The next day was my turn to do everything, by our second call I thought I was dying, this lady I was with, was 47, two years ago, she had a tumor removed in her pituitary gland, that night she had a stroke. Her left arm is stuck at a 90 degree angle and her legs are massive with cellulitis and are rock hard, it’s such a sad thing, but after dealing with all that, I was dying! From that moment on I was on a downward spiral all day, I knew it wasn’t going to be a good day. By the time we got to a call, where I could see the woman didn’t have more than 24h to live, which broke my heart as it reminded me of my nan. I knew I couldn’t carry on, I was sick and dizzy and just not well at all! So I told Rosie I had to go home.
6093a188adddb804794445bb261bf32dI thought about what I was going to do, I knew with all my issues and now with my random sickness I get, I was confused. I really wanted this job, I was desperate for it, but could I actually physically do it?
I waited for my references to come through, and spoke to them about my concerns and they told me that they were going to ease me into it as I hadn’t worked for twenty years, so that made me feel better. I did however have my worries the whole time, but this was something I really wanted to do, so I pushed them aside.Then I got my start date!

I was so excited! They started me off with a lot of breaks in between calls. So I thought I would be okay. Oh how I wrong I was. By the time I had my long break I knew I was in trouble. I rang the office and said I was worried again, but I’d make an appointment with my doctor for the afternoon and speak to them and see what they said. She told me not to do anything as it was my first day, but I was worried, I knew how much pain I was in, she didn’t.
I went to my doctor told her what was happening and she said Hayley, you cannot control your pain when you’re doing nothing?! And you want to do a physical job..  It’s not going to get better, it’s going to get worse.

I knew she was right, so I went home and made the phone call to them to say I couldn’t do it and I was distraught. I got home and sobbed and sobbed, I was gutted. I then sent one of the girls in the office a message saying how sorry I was etc etc. And she said to me they had been talking and thought what about if I just did sits. And I thought about it and said yeah I could do that, it’s easy, you sit with someone while their family member goes and does what they need to, mini respite for a few hours. How hard could that be!?

marcel-pariseau-quote-she-cant-deal-with-it-any-moreIt started off okay, then slowly they were putting more on me, there was a couple I was looking after on the weekends, who had dementia, they both had different types. And boy was it hard.
I don’t need to go over all the hard stuff that happened, but the day I realised that I couldn’t do it, was a Sunday I was at this couples house, and I fell asleep at the kitchen table, it was only nodding off, but I knew something wasn’t right, that’s not what I do, I started to be sick, so after a while, I rang and asked if I could go home early, and they told me there was no way I could leave, so I left it a bit longer and then sent a text message to their daughter and asked if I could leave and hour early, she told me she would be down right away.

So I left early and went home and I slept til the Tuesday, turned out I had tonsillitis again for the third time in three months! I was completely wiped out for two whole weeks again. I was so unwell. But that Sunday that I left their home, I knew I couldn’t do this job, if I couldn’t go home to be ill when I needed to, then I couldn’t do the job! It was just killing me.

I was distraught. But what could I do?

So now I’ve learnt my lesson I am not ready for work yet. So I’m going to wait until they force me to go and they can find me a job that I am able to do!

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So of course all this sent me into a downward spiral, I thought I was ready, I thought I was picking my life back up, albeit twenty years later, with arthritis in both hips and my spine and having gone through weight loss service, my stomach and intestines removed, divorced to the husband I thought I would always be with and our twenty year anniversary being in April, I wasn’t coping well at all.cognitive-behavior-therapy-for-depression-in-older-adultsnorthrop-29-728

My food took a hit. I was just eating junk, no real food going in me and I didn’t care. I was starving myself again nutritionally, filling my face with junk like I did when I was 32 stone.

People think it’s easy. Stop eating lose weight. They have no idea it’s a mental issue, not a greed thing. No one can understand unless you have ever been obese. And even then, no one else has any idea of what is going on with you and how you got to be the size you did. There are usually stories for the reasons people gain huge amounts of weight and usually it is not down to just greed alone.  It is so much more complex than that.

6c850e64994c356a69b9dcabb060ddd4But people judge. And boy do they judge obesity. I think I have said it before, but I think the reason get so angry and annoyed at obesity is because it can happen to them, so easily, just one thing changing in their lives can send them into the same spiral that I found myself in twenty years ago. It’s so easy for it to happen. 1lb 7lbs 20lbs it’s so easy to creep up  because of one thing that happens in your life, or it could be a huge life changing thing that happens.  We just don’t know the future and what could happen.
And I think that is why people judge so harshly with obesity. 

So I got to a point where I was starting to feel my clothes getting tighter, I was ignoring it. I didn’t care I wanted junk and only junk! But I knew I was screwing myself over, how could I carry on with what I was doing! I’m going to ruin everything.

So last week I closed my eyes and stepped in the scales! I wanted to hurt myself so much! From my lowest, I was only there for a day, but two and a half stone back on!

Wtf wtf wtf!

Ugh guess what today is the start of.

Pouch reset time.

So the last time I did this, I went almost four weeks without eating I was so petrified of eating again, I couldn’t make myself eat not matter what I did. Even seeing the psychologist didn’t help. The only thing that made me eat again was getting tonsillitis, I think that was my body saying hey missy, eat or I’m going to give you and illness you have never had in your life before because your immune system is so low right now!

Yeah that made me eat again!

And God did I eat again! That was the start of me not stopping which was just intensified when I realised I couldn’t work!

So I started with the five day pouch test and oh dear it started again! I got scared of eating, only kept it kind of under control, day five I managed to force myself to eat a cheese omelette in the evening and today I have made food.  Good real food that my body needs, not junk, I think I needed that to make me think about the fact I actually needed protein and vegetables and all things a good healthy vegetarian needs!

How long it will last is anyone’s guess, but here I am trying and writing on my blog again. It’s always good to write here, I know I’m doing okay when I’m back.

So here I am eating good food, writing and hoping to continue on the good path, though this time next week I shall be on a 90s weekend in Butlins, so I might be on a very strict time limit! Ha

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Soon, with luck!

H x

 

Revision? Yes please!

16 Feb

It’s by far from easy.
437e7700ef33568a4558ca0e02f980b4The people who read what they read have no clue. The people who say it’s the easy way out have no clue. Hell even the people who have had weight loss surgery have no clue. No one knows or understands your journey, your pain, your insecurities and your struggles but you.

I spent years and years reading up on people stories on what to expect, I thought I was ready for everything, but that’s quite laughable really now when I think about it. Everything I go through is so different to what the next person goes through. No matter how much you read and prepare, your journey is unique to you.
Your starting weight, co-morbidities, what you lose before surgery, what you lose preop, how much your surgeon by passes of your intestine and your stomach, each different centimetre could make a world of difference to how things are for you.

Some days I struggle, a lot.
Not because I wish I never had the surgery, not at all, but I wish I had more control over things. I lost about seven stone before surgery. I took my time, but I did it so I could get the rny that I wanted and not have to have the sleeve converted to bypass at a later date. But some days I do wonder if losing that weight has slowed me down. I am five months out and five stone down. I have been stuck at the same weight for about six weeks and it’s very frustrating. I am 281 and been going up and down to 292 all this time, for the last two weeks it’s been around 281-284 and I’m fed up of it.
Maybe I need to be more perfect with food. I am walking every day, so I don’t think it’s exercise, I’m doing about 10,000 steps every day I even did over 20,000 one day last weekend this is a huge thing for me. But I know bad food does end up in my mouth, then of course the hate, guilt and sickness turn up pretty soon after and I vow no more, I’m done. But it seems I never am.

You would think being on my own makes it easier, only having to get food for me, only cooking what I want, but it’s not, not when you have spent your whole adult life with another person. Having their opinion, input, ideas, conversation, company or even just someone to fight with when you need to, I miss that, I miss doing things with another person. When I go out for my walks, I like that I can go where I want, but it would be nice to share that with someone, someone to laugh with when the dogs do something funny, or looking at a nice view, or when the sky looks pretty. It can be very lonely when you’re used to another person. I never really had much time to think about it before. So focused on surgery, I had no time to think about the changes, I was just getting on with them because I had to. But lately I don’t want to be on the PC and I don’t want to sit in doing nothing, I guess I have time to think when we go walking. Don’t get me wrong, I love how much more independent I am these days, I expect nothing would have changed if these things never happened, I’m loving driving and going out places, but I wish I could have been this person before, I wish I had never relied on a man, I wish I had never given up my job.
How different things would/could have been, if only..
At the moment I like it when Matthew comes to stay, it breaks up my time and I can do something different. I enjoy watching movies and cooking with him again. Cooking is no fun post bypass on your own. We cook together and it makes it fun again for that short time and I know the food isn’t going to be wasted and I have to cook because he needs the food. But on my own I just can’t be bothered. Knowing it’s going to be wasted or cooking a very small amount just feels pointless.
I was walking around Tesco yesterday, I wanted something filling and healthy, but I was just so mad at food, I know that’s stupid, but I couldn’t help it. Nothing I wanted. Not even junk food. I just wanted never to eat again, and there are days I really wish that was possible. Not to be a slave to food would be wonderful. Oh how I wish it had been brain surgery too, wouldn’t that have been nice!

I have no idea what the plan is now, maybe this is it. Being 32 stone and losing 12 is a lot I guess, Mr Barry did say I would get to 18 stone which is only two more to lose. Maybe it’s as good as it gets after letting myself get so big. I wish and hope it isn’t so, I would like another six off, but if this is it, then I can’t really complain, my life is a world away from how it was two years ago. Even from this time last year, I can see a huge improvement in my life, so I have to be grateful for that. But I am sad at the moment and the only thing that’s going to change that is getting away from 20 stone, well away and I just can’t see that happening right now.
I honestly don’t know what to do.

I saw someone ask if there was a revision she could have after bypass not working for her! I don’t think there even is one! But if there is I want it too cos I fail lol…
I have no idea which image this is… But I’m hoping it fits here!

Edited to say I guess it does fit here, I can’t stop thinking about losing!

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