Tag Archives: Weight gain

Emotions Everywhere and I’m Starting to Care!

5 Jun

So so much has happened since I last posted. It’s been surreal.

So I started work the following morning, it was damn hard but I enjoyed it, the things I saw were heartbreaking and very emotional. I watched as Rosie did everything and helped when I could. The next day was my turn to do everything, by our second call I thought I was dying, this lady I was with, was 47, two years ago, she had a tumor removed in her pituitary gland, that night she had a stroke. Her left arm is stuck at a 90 degree angle and her legs are massive with cellulitis and are rock hard, it’s such a sad thing, but after dealing with all that, I was dying! From that moment on I was on a downward spiral all day, I knew it wasn’t going to be a good day. By the time we got to a call, where I could see the woman didn’t have more than 24h to live, which broke my heart as it reminded me of my nan. I knew I couldn’t carry on, I was sick and dizzy and just not well at all! So I told Rosie I had to go home.
6093a188adddb804794445bb261bf32dI thought about what I was going to do, I knew with all my issues and now with my random sickness I get, I was confused. I really wanted this job, I was desperate for it, but could I actually physically do it?
I waited for my references to come through, and spoke to them about my concerns and they told me that they were going to ease me into it as I hadn’t worked for twenty years, so that made me feel better. I did however have my worries the whole time, but this was something I really wanted to do, so I pushed them aside.Then I got my start date!

I was so excited! They started me off with a lot of breaks in between calls. So I thought I would be okay. Oh how I wrong I was. By the time I had my long break I knew I was in trouble. I rang the office and said I was worried again, but I’d make an appointment with my doctor for the afternoon and speak to them and see what they said. She told me not to do anything as it was my first day, but I was worried, I knew how much pain I was in, she didn’t.
I went to my doctor told her what was happening and she said Hayley, you cannot control your pain when you’re doing nothing?! And you want to do a physical job..  It’s not going to get better, it’s going to get worse.

I knew she was right, so I went home and made the phone call to them to say I couldn’t do it and I was distraught. I got home and sobbed and sobbed, I was gutted. I then sent one of the girls in the office a message saying how sorry I was etc etc. And she said to me they had been talking and thought what about if I just did sits. And I thought about it and said yeah I could do that, it’s easy, you sit with someone while their family member goes and does what they need to, mini respite for a few hours. How hard could that be!?

marcel-pariseau-quote-she-cant-deal-with-it-any-moreIt started off okay, then slowly they were putting more on me, there was a couple I was looking after on the weekends, who had dementia, they both had different types. And boy was it hard.
I don’t need to go over all the hard stuff that happened, but the day I realised that I couldn’t do it, was a Sunday I was at this couples house, and I fell asleep at the kitchen table, it was only nodding off, but I knew something wasn’t right, that’s not what I do, I started to be sick, so after a while, I rang and asked if I could go home early, and they told me there was no way I could leave, so I left it a bit longer and then sent a text message to their daughter and asked if I could leave and hour early, she told me she would be down right away.

So I left early and went home and I slept til the Tuesday, turned out I had tonsillitis again for the third time in three months! I was completely wiped out for two whole weeks again. I was so unwell. But that Sunday that I left their home, I knew I couldn’t do this job, if I couldn’t go home to be ill when I needed to, then I couldn’t do the job! It was just killing me.

I was distraught. But what could I do?

So now I’ve learnt my lesson I am not ready for work yet. So I’m going to wait until they force me to go and they can find me a job that I am able to do!


So of course all this sent me into a downward spiral, I thought I was ready, I thought I was picking my life back up, albeit twenty years later, with arthritis in both hips and my spine and having gone through weight loss service, my stomach and intestines removed, divorced to the husband I thought I would always be with and our twenty year anniversary being in April, I wasn’t coping well at all.cognitive-behavior-therapy-for-depression-in-older-adultsnorthrop-29-728

My food took a hit. I was just eating junk, no real food going in me and I didn’t care. I was starving myself again nutritionally, filling my face with junk like I did when I was 32 stone.

People think it’s easy. Stop eating lose weight. They have no idea it’s a mental issue, not a greed thing. No one can understand unless you have ever been obese. And even then, no one else has any idea of what is going on with you and how you got to be the size you did. There are usually stories for the reasons people gain huge amounts of weight and usually it is not down to just greed alone.  It is so much more complex than that.

6c850e64994c356a69b9dcabb060ddd4But people judge. And boy do they judge obesity. I think I have said it before, but I think the reason get so angry and annoyed at obesity is because it can happen to them, so easily, just one thing changing in their lives can send them into the same spiral that I found myself in twenty years ago. It’s so easy for it to happen. 1lb 7lbs 20lbs it’s so easy to creep up  because of one thing that happens in your life, or it could be a huge life changing thing that happens.  We just don’t know the future and what could happen.
And I think that is why people judge so harshly with obesity. 

So I got to a point where I was starting to feel my clothes getting tighter, I was ignoring it. I didn’t care I wanted junk and only junk! But I knew I was screwing myself over, how could I carry on with what I was doing! I’m going to ruin everything.

So last week I closed my eyes and stepped in the scales! I wanted to hurt myself so much! From my lowest, I was only there for a day, but two and a half stone back on!

Wtf wtf wtf!

Ugh guess what today is the start of.

Pouch reset time.

So the last time I did this, I went almost four weeks without eating I was so petrified of eating again, I couldn’t make myself eat not matter what I did. Even seeing the psychologist didn’t help. The only thing that made me eat again was getting tonsillitis, I think that was my body saying hey missy, eat or I’m going to give you and illness you have never had in your life before because your immune system is so low right now!

Yeah that made me eat again!

And God did I eat again! That was the start of me not stopping which was just intensified when I realised I couldn’t work!

So I started with the five day pouch test and oh dear it started again! I got scared of eating, only kept it kind of under control, day five I managed to force myself to eat a cheese omelette in the evening and today I have made food.  Good real food that my body needs, not junk, I think I needed that to make me think about the fact I actually needed protein and vegetables and all things a good healthy vegetarian needs!

How long it will last is anyone’s guess, but here I am trying and writing on my blog again. It’s always good to write here, I know I’m doing okay when I’m back.

So here I am eating good food, writing and hoping to continue on the good path, though this time next week I shall be on a 90s weekend in Butlins, so I might be on a very strict time limit! Ha

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Soon, with luck!

H x



Weight Gain?!

6 Aug

Anyone for Cady kisses?!

Went on a lovely hour and a half walk. I needed that!

When I got back home I thought I would look up the new antidepressant.


Side effect is weight gain! Giving me that was pretty stupid. Going to have to ring the doctor in the morning. I will stay miserable for the rest of my life rather than gain weight.

No way.

Weight gain is a no no for a bloody WLS patient! lol

So when all else fails, go back on what you said you wouldn’t again.

Hello Morphine, you make me feel good.

For now!

Beautiful View

Beautiful View

I’m Still Stuck

13 Jul

I finally made it back here, I stay away when I’m doing bad, just like push the whole blog and everything to do with as far away as possible because I feel useless and guilty and a complete failure, and coming anywhere near my blog is a big no no when I’m not eating right I feel like a fraud.

But I am so fed up at the moment, I can’t control myself again. Ever since my melt down I’ve been on a downward spiral and I can’t break free.

When I went back to Slimming World, some how I had gained 22lb!! Yes 22 in two weeks. I was devastated, I knew I had put on some cos I felt awful, I was expecting a stone (14lbs) at the most, but when I saw what it was I was shocked to say the least. I started to wonder if it could have been the morphine and it possibly was. In itself that doesn’t make you gain weight but, it can make you crave sugary things, and I couldn’t stop eating sweets that week and also you get constipation from it and I had it very bad, so I was praying that’s what had caused it. I came off the medication and I lost 6½ I was a bit disappointed in that and this week has gone awful again. I think I’m trying to do too much and thinking about too many things at once and failing at them all wonderfully!
I’m going to Slimming World as I have said and it’s a great diet, I know it works well for me, but at the same time I have a voice in my head (might be called Clare! not sure on that!!!) telling me its carbs carbs carbs and I need to avoid them. So I stay away from them and can’t be bothered to just eat Quorn, so I just end up eating cheese strings and peanuts, which then just makes me hungry and I will buy junk food, so I can’t keep doing this. I need to get back on the Slimming World plan and just try and limit the carbs, but no worry as much as I am about it. I still have a big stomach and it wants food in it! I will deal with whatever I crave after the op after I’ve had the op, I can’t keep trying to live like I’ve had it when I haven’t, it’s making me crazy!

As I’ve said I was only 5lb from the target I wanted before I went back to the hospital, but I don’t think I’m going to make it now, I’m at least 19lbs away now, and after getting an email from Nia, I thought it was going to give me motivation, but it’s just sent me into panic mode instead!
My brain just doesn’t work right at all! lol

This is the email I got, I don’t know if that means it’s potentially my op date or not. I don’t know what to make of it just yet, but here’s hoping!

Hi Hayley,


As you want a gastric bypass and that operation requires that both consultant surgeons are available until the 10th of September.

Letters will be sent out by the waiting list department with a date for your pre-assessment appointment in August.

How do I pull it all back together, I’m so confused :(


Get it together, Head!

26 Jun

The Head.
It’s a bad place sometimes. Maybe even all the time.
How do you train it to do what you want it to do and stick to it. I have so much work to do and I don’t know where to begin.
I thought I was doing do much better, but I’m not, as soon as I got stressed back I went to my favourite place. Food.

Yesterday I went for an MRI scan. I’m scared of being trapped in things anyway, I don’t like my legs or hands being trapped even under a blanket, the thought of handcuffs or a straight jacket freak me out so much. I don’t know if it’s to do with being obese and getting stuck in something is so much more possible than if you are tiny, but it’s always worried me, I thought it was claustrophobia my whole life until last year when I found out it was cleithrophobia. I knew it was going to be hard, but I thought I could keep myself calm enough to get through it, boy was I wrong.

As I went in I told her I had a bit of a fear, but she said it would be okay and explained what would happen and it would take about 12 minutes. She told me to get on the bed which I did, she gave me the panic button and put the headset over my head ready to in. So far so good. She told me she wouldn’t leave the room until I was comfortable and the machine started moving me back. My head went into the tunnel and it was very close, but I was breathing through it, thinking it’s ok, you can do this. Then my body starts going in, I can feel it getting tighter around my shoulders, I was breathing deeper, but coping, then it got to where my hands were resting on my stomach and it stopped moving, I should have known there to stop, but she told me to put my hands down, I did what she said but I knew it was a mistake, the machine kept moving me in and all of a sudden my hands were trapped against the side of the machine, but it was still trying to move me in and then I don’t even know what happened, I was shouting I can’t do it, I’m stuck, stop, I was breathing like crazy, my feet were going mad kicking against the bed, I was crying, sweating, dry mouth. I had no control of myself at all.
They tried to move the bed back out and it was stuck and I was in such a state, I was saying I need to move my hands above my head, but I couldn’t do it, there was nothing I could do. It was the most horrific thing I have ever experienced. I didn’t know how I was going to get out of there, my hands were pushed against the sides and the bed was sticking, she was trying to get me to calm down, but there was nothing I could do. I thought I was going to be in there forever. Clearly I got out! How I don’t know, but I can honestly say they were the worst ten seconds of my life. Safe to say I didn’t get the scan of my spine! I was in such a state. It’s all I have thought about since, it keeps making me panic. It was my worst fear coming true, I was stuck hard in something I couldn’t control. Writing this is bringing back the feelings, it was awful and something I never ever want to repeat. Even slim people have panic attacks in them, so I don’t think it was a wise idea to put an obese person in a tiny tunnel! I’ve since looked on line and apparently she could have put me in feet first, why on earth she didn’t do that I will never know. My arms and face would have been clear then, as its on my lower spine. So now I have to go and see the doctor again and hope they can get me into an open scanner somewhere around here. I never want to do that ever again. I wouldn’t wish it on anyone ever!

I got out of the scanner and the mobile unit it was in and went to my dad, he could see something was very wrong, I had to get out of there and I needed a drink and some sugar badly! First thing we did was go to a shop so I could get some water (so lucky I didn’t pick up Pepsi Max!) and a Mars bar.
That would have been fine if I had just stopped there, but did I? Hell no.
Went to Tesco and picked up crisps and chocolate and some french stick, went home and ate it all and I still haven’t stopped today. Got up and had to go out and ended up getting myself an egg McMuffin and hash brown.. and no not one, but two of them and I have carried on eating sweets and chocolate and crisps today.

I don’t want to do this, I don’t want to go back, I had 5lbs to lose to get to my target BMI before the operation 5! On weighing in Boots today, I have 14lbs again. When will I learn. I won’t be able to turn to food after the operation, I don’t even want to try it, but how do I get my head to do the right thing?
I need to be in a good place before my pre op and I thought I was getting there, but clearly I’m not and this whole situation has really affected me. I don’t want to be one of the ones who can’t have surgery cos their liver is too big, or I get it and I start sucking chocolate because I haven’t sorted out my head.

Humans are too complicated!
Head, just please do as I say and all will be well! Tomorrow is a new day, lets see what I can do. Take it one day at a time Hayley and make the right choices before it’s too late.

Make the right one.

Make the right one.

Who are you to judge?!

9 Jan

I started to read this article the other day on Facebook, which linked to Sky News. I didn’t read it properly I just scanned it and got to the comments, I knew what they were going to say, it’s always the same. Nasty, vile, self righteous, cruel, harsh, and downright mean.

Why were people commenting like that?

Oh it was an article about obese people having benefits cut if they don’t go to exercise sessions set up by local councils. Great. Wonderful. Let the hatred begin.

In theory this is all great. A place where people who might be scared to death about going to a gym with “buff” people to go and get help and lose weight and get fitter. Sounds wonderful, but it’s rarely like that.

Two years ago my doctor put me on a course, it was called Torfaen Weight Management System. It was a 12 week course where a small group, around ten people would go and get educated on food and exercise. There was a doctor, nurse, dietitian and psychologist who all had an interest in this type of work and wanted to help. At the time I was still not going out, I had only gone to the hospital, so I was very scared about going. I was sent a letter to go to a one on one meeting to discuss options with the nutritionist. She quickly realised my issues were emotional so asked the psychologist to join in. I went to two meetings with them and then they asked if I was ready to join this session for the course. I wanted to give it a go so I agreed.

I loved going to the sessions, I felt comfortable there, the professionals were very friendly and helpful and it felt like they cared. During the initial meetings I was told it was an hour of education every week, followed by an hours exercise and then we would get another hour of exercise in the week. Sadly this never happened, we had our hour of education, where I did learn alot, then we had our hour of “exercise” we never got the second one every week. But this “exercise” was pretty pointless. It was a small room, with some very basic equipment and they were too scared to allow us to do anything. We mainly got to lift hand weights, some of the fitter people were allowed to walk on a treadmill after a few weeks, but it wasnt really the best and just felt like we were doing nothing much, especially for the people who didn’t have too much to lose, so they became disheartened in it very fast.

In my mind, if the government really want to get serious about this, then they really need to start investing some money into it.

Proper facilities. Either using suitable existing leisure complexes or creating them. There needs to be education on nutrition. Courses. Courses for cooking, courses for education, courses for shopping, courses for diabetes. Anything you think will help, turn it into a course! A real gym with state of the art machines, a swimming pool, that either has a beach walk in or sloping steps, not the metal ones which are dangerous to use after a certain size. It needs to be a full size facility which is open throughout the week. After an initial course (the more you have to lose, the longer this course is) You can then pay a nominal fee to keep going, like a slimming club. Maybe not as expensive, but £2 every time you go. Even let there be a maintenance group there too, so if you do manage to lose alot, you can still go along once a week, just to keep you alert about whats happening. People with eating disorders of the other end of the scale have help and facilities so why shouldn’t we at this end. They are both mental issues. Just with completely different results.

Yeah, I know, I’m just dreaming there. Even if the government thought, wow we have enough money, we don’t need new cars and holidays lets do this! its a great idea! People would be furious. It’s self inflicted, why do the greedy pigs get this. Just tell them to stop shoveling food into their mouths and get off their fat arses!

Because we love being like this. I love being too scared to leave my house because of what people will shout at me. I love not being able to walk to the end of my path without being in agony, out of breath, sweating and desperate to sit down. I love not being able to what I want and have to rely on other people for the most simple thing. Yeah it’s awesome. While I can’t sit here and not take any blame, it wasn’t something I just thought one day, I know what I’ll do, give myself a lifetime of pain and hurt and regret and eat this chocolate bar or four. Things happened to me in my life to get me into this situation. And yes, while I did have a choice  in the beginning of what I ate, that bar of chocolate wasn’t an instant visual/feeling so I could think, oh wow I just did that to myself. It took years and years to get like this and depression, anxiety, hatred makes it harder to stop and look at yourself and realise what is going on and now I don’t think I do have a choice. I crave things. It’s an awful feeling to have. I get angry and moody if I don’t get what I want. I am a woman in my thirties, I know that’s not rational behavior  yet I cant control it.

Most people have some kind of vice, whether it be eating, drinking, smoking drugs, gambling, sex, cleaning, not eating, beating, exercising, control. It’s their go to thing when things start getting stressed or they have had some bad news, sometimes good too. But the thing is, they can walk down the street and no one have a clue whats going on with them. We can’t see what they have done to their lungs when they have smoked 40 a day for the last ten years, how bad they look on the inside. But I don’t have that luxury. Soon as you see me you know what my problem is, I’m weak have no will power, greedy, pig, fat, ugly, disgusting. There are many more names and thoughts associated with me. People don’t get to know me because of it, they just judge.

While I know you can’t stop people making those judgments, it would be nice if they actually thought before they wrote or shouted. Do they really believe that this is what most obese people want? While I can’t speak for anyone other than myself, I am not happy, I am not jolly (I hate that word) I am not bubbly. I am me. I have a problem with my eating habits, which I am well aware of, my whole life has been a struggle because of it, you telling me I am lazy, which you don’t actually know and I am a pig, again, how can you know and that I stuff burgers into my mouth also untrue as I don’t eat meat, isn’t something new or funny. You have just contributed to me not wanting to go out.

Of course you wouldn’t care about this, but weight gain/obesity isnt something you either have or haven’t got. One day it could happen to you. You might be young and fit right now, but give it ten years, the smoking, drinking, eating or injury might just catch up on you ;)

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