Still here!

After three days of back and forth to hospital and trying to rest in the recliner I got really bad yesterday. I had gone home and was meant to go back for a scan the next day as they didn’t have any slots left and all night I kept waking up boiling hot but I was shivering and my teeth were shattering, so I got another blanket, which probably made everything worse!
My head was throbbing and my mouth was dry even though I was drinking alot of water.

The evening before I had noticed I had swollen lymph nodes that were terribly painful, so I know it was getting worse. I woke up about 5 and thought I need to go back in, so I rang the ward and they told me to come straight back.
By the time I got here I was a complete mess. She took me in for obs and all our a sudden I was pouring with sweat, it was dripping from everywhere, I was feeling so sick and dizzy my heartbeat was 117 and my blood pressure was 160/98 she told them to get the ecg machine as she didn’t want to leave me, nothing would stick to my body because it was cold and clammy so they had a hard time sticking the cannula and ecg tabs on me!
I felt pretty damn awful.
They told me my scan was at 2 and I needed iv antibiotics around midday, so my dad asked if I could go home to sleep for a bit and they agreed I really didn’t want to spend all that time in the recliner!
So off we went home with the cannula bandaged up to keep it in.
I had an hour and a half’s sleep it was amazing and then we went back down.
I had my antibiotics connect and sat through that going in my arm, but I was feeling so sick so they game me an anti sickness drip too and I have no idea what happened but I could not keep my eyes open, I had brought a pillow back down with me to make it more tolerable and I sat there with it over my face and I was out of it, I wasn’t asleep but I wasn’t really with it,  was a really weird sensation!

I stayed like that until a porter came to get me, he took me down to be scanned, she had a good look around, could clearly see the haematoma and she scanned some other areas too, I noticed she took a photo somewhere else and that she put GB, knowing history of us bypassers I asked her if that was the gallbladder to which she said yes, so it got me thinking when she sent me out to wait for the porter, so I went back in and I said I know you’re not allowed to say, but did it show something with my gallbladder, to which she said she couldn’t tell me, but with my amazing powers of persuasion I got her to tell me, she told me there is a pretty big stone in there :/ it might never cause me any problems but knowing how things are with bypassers and the fact there is already a bit stone in there I’m not holding out too much hope.
So the positive I can take out of that is.. At least I know!

I went back to the ward, about 5pm I was called I’m to wait for the doctor and she said she was going to cut it and see what come out, she was a pregnant Russian lady and she was so funny! She injected me with local anesthetic and slices me open, then gets some blunt scissors and starts poking and prodding around in there, but nope not a thing! No gunk, no pus and minimal blood, it’s all a frigging solid mass!
She leaves it as an open wound and packs it with what looks like white fibreglass! And covers it all up.
At this point she gives me too choices, I can either go home with antibiotics and have a district nurse come out every day and hope the antibiotics works. Or stay in carry on with the iv antibiotics, which are so much stronger than oral, but one catch! No bed!
Of course.
But they were going to try, hard.
I didn’t know what to do, I told them I would speak to my family and make a decision.
They wanted to me to stay in, which is what I wanted to do to get the best antibiotics, but I needed a bed I was so tired, fed up and unwell.
About five minutes later they told me they had a bed for me.
Yes! Perfect!

I stay there for the night, in a mixed ward chatting to Kerry and Dave, my dad brought in a fan for me which I desperately needed! Then dave got his wife to do the same! Lol got as much sleep as I could.
Next day, which I think was Saturday I moved back to the ward I was on after surgery, but by the window this time thankfully!
And that’s where I stayed this morning, hooked up to an iv three times a day being pumped full of meds.
But I have not had it easy!

Don’t read below if you have a weak tummy!
Toilet talk and open wound pics.

Taking tramadol, oramorph and codine for the last two weeks has resulted in me having a bad toilet time! Having a bypass already makes it bad, but this has been horrific, I couldn’t even get out of bed yesterday they were meant to be getting me an enema but the Dr went back for emergency surgery, so it want prescribed until half one this morning and then I wasn’t allowed it because it was too late!
But finally at 8 this morning I got it. I have never ever had that before, it was so bizarre and not at all what I was expecting but it started to work within twenty mins and I think by the hour I was completely done!
What a relief I am starting to feel like me again.
It wasn’t all quite as easy as that, for three days I was having a pretty hard time, but I really don’t think anyone wants to hear about all that! It was quite horrendous and I never ever want to go through all that again.
I haven’t been for the best part of two weeks all I did was cry yesterday as I was so down and felt so alone.

But now I am back with my dogs, led in my own watching American big brother.
I don’t feel 100% yet, but I’m getting there.
Just want to get on with moving on from all these surgeries, and start enjoying life again!

Oh so the title is now wrong, I am not still there!

Soon

H x

New friends :)

My life for the last week :(

ALIEN!

My alien.. I look Pregnant!!

Thats the packing

The open wound

My welcome home committee!!

Oh Positive!

How ironic.
I have been called the opposite of that lately, but I am filled with positivity! It runs through my veins baby!
Feels a bit strange knowing this little bit of information, I have no idea what I can do with it and to half the world knowing their blood group is just a given. But we don’t get told it here. I knew they were taking it for this op though and it just dawned on me to ask, so the nurse looked it up for me and I am;

O Positive Blood

Because your blood group is O Rh positive, you are especially important.

Around 38% of the donor population share your group, but what makes you even more important is that, if necessary, your blood can be given to anyone who is Rh positive (regardless of their blood group) – and that’s a staggering 83% of people.

So your blood could help eight out of every ten hospital patients, whether they’re mothers and new-born babies, people being treated for cancer, or having planned operations like a hip replacement.

Female donors can give blood three times a year and male donors can give blood four times a year. So please be sure to keep up your outstanding work and donate regularly if you possibly can.

I feel special!

But not unique! Oh well can’t be everything lol

I had no sleep at all last night, I started writing this post about 5am then got distracted by something I read on Facebook (yes I’m back on there sadly!) it was an article about concealed depression and I felt like I was reading something written just for me. It all just seemed to make sense. I understood every single point that was being made and I could see myself in it. No one knows what goes on inside the mind of another. I appear very happy to people, always smiling and talking to people, but no one feels what I do and up til now I didn’t get it myself but this article showed me just what I’ve been doing most of my life.

1. They may intentionally make efforts to appear OK and maybe even seem exponentially happy and upbeat.
The idea that those with depression all have one similarly dreary personality is false. Depression is more than just a mood. Those who live with depression have learned to alter their apparent moods, and may even be some of the most seemingly “happy” people that you know. Personalities can vary. Often those with depression try to stick with the positive and public parts of their demeanor regardless of what they’re going through on the inside. No one wants to bring others down, even if that means hiding how he or she is truly feeling.

I am so good at this now I don’t even know I’m doing it.

Point 3 is so truthful it actually hurts to read!

3.They may have trouble with abandonment.
Anyone who has experienced depression understands the burden it can be. It can also be a burden for those closest to them. Sometimes when you let someone in enough to see the struggles you have, they walk the other way. Though it’s hard to blame these people for leaving, it creates a serious feeling of abandonment for those with depression. It forges a need for secrecy, out of fear of the recession of those they love. There is nothing more heartbreaking than finding out your ugliest layer of self is too ugly for someone you love to handle.

And only recently have I discovered how bad it was. I have trouble letting go of things. You’ve probably read that here yourself, but certain people who were in my life, know this too well, but instead of trying to understand and realise something isnt right, they cut me out of their life at a time when I need them the most. I am always the one who tries to get in touch first when something goes wrong with a friend, because I just can’t cope without them. I hate myself, hate life, hate everything until I make things right, but I’m now realising that’s not always possible and its not my fault, I have to try and let go, no matter how much it hurts. If people don’t want to be in my life or want me to be in theirs, then I have to respect that and let them get on with it. It doesn’t make me a bad person.

5. They may have abnormal sleeping and eating habits.
This may seem like a small sign or factor, but it has a grave effect. Those who live with depression in an unrevealing way can sometimes only let the little signs show. Sleeping too much or too little are textbook examples. The same goes for eating too little or too much. Sleep and nutrition are two critical elements to health. They are also two elements that the human mind can attempt to control. Depression creates a suffocating lack of control, and being able to control at least something, can be all a person has. Sleep can be nearly impossible, or it can be the only escape. The same goes for eating.

When I feel abandoned, all I want to do is go to bed, try and sleep and make the pain go away, I don’t want to do anything. It’s the most horrible feeling. I hate it, I can only function when I come up with a plan to make things better with the person I’m fighting with. Sometimes it works, sometimes it makes things worse! So the whole cycle starts again.

6. They may understand substances differently.
A person who handles their depression also knows how to monitor what they put into their body. They know alcohol is a depressant, and drinking it over an extended period of time can create a mental state of low that they are less equipped to handle than the average person. They know that caffeine and sugar are uppers for their moods. They know what medications do what. They know what doesn’t mix well. They know all of this because altering their state of mind in any way is much more of a responsibility than it may be for other people.

This explains so much. Why I’ve stayed away from alcohol for almost twenty years. How when I was happy for a brief moment, I was able to drink and enjoy it! And why sugar has played such a huge, but bad role in my life. Self medication!

10. They at some times will release subtle cries for help.
Even a person who knows how to live with the burden of their own mind can need help. Outcries from people you aren’t expecting are easily overlooked. Sometimes it isn’t safe for people to be on their own with their depression; as much as they say differently. Sometimes they will reach out. Sometimes they will open up. These moments are the most crucial, because they are especially powerful. They are what builds a bridge between people who have different levels of emotions and mindsets. They are what creates a closeness and trust among friends and lovers that isn’t always easy if some feel they have to camouflage their true selves.

I wish this had been seen by the people I needed to see it the most. When I was off my medication and trying so desperately to hold onto something that was bad for me, I wish you could have held my hand through it and help me out of it. I am feeling in a better place now, but that’s probably because I am back on new medication, plus new people in my life are helping me in ways they don’t even know. I need to try and not depend on people, but it can be so hard when you form connections. I have tried reaching out to people, but its gone ignored and it makes me sad, but I can hold my head high, knowing I can do the right thing. I am not a bad person, just someone who makes mistakes and learns by them and hopes not to repeat them again, but that doesn’t mean I wont, but does that mean you get to walk away as if I never existed? I guess that’s on you and your own conscience.

11. They seek love and acceptance, as every person does.
Shielding the world from one’s personal demons is not done so for the sake of dishonesty. People who live with depression in a private and undisclosed way do so for protection. This is for the protection of their hearts. This is for the protection of the people around them. This is for the protection of the success of their dreams. Some of those reading this may have felt an eerie connection to these habits. Whether you have been treated for depression, or you simply have treated yourself, you know how easy it is to feel alone. I entitled this article about those with unseen depression, but the truth is that most depression goes unseen by our human nature. We live in a world that encourages us to hide what is dark and unpleasant. We don’t have to.

The most important habit and motivation of those with unseen depression to understand is that they search for love and acceptance. We all do. The only way to gain it is to spread it. Never turn away from a person who seems to be struggling. Love when it’s difficult. Cry when you need to. Reach out when someone closes the door. Open your heart, even if it feels terrifying to do so. If we keep forcing the bad to go unseen, the good will also go unseen.

Open your heart!

Especially to someone you care about who is struggling with life. You may not like what they’re doing, but they will appreciate it in the long run when they are far enough away from the pain to see what happened.

So yeah this really opened up my eyes to understand my own world. How and why I sometimes do things that I don’t understand. Life isn’t always straight forward and the things we do can make no sense, but then something comes along and its like a lightbulb was turned on! an AH-HAH moment!

I was thinking about this all night then, I couldn’t get it out of my head and really wanted to write it down so I don’t forget it. It might help someone else, but mainly it’s mostly for me.

My belly button is here somewhere lol

I saw a surgeon around 08:30 this morning. He told me the hernia was rather large, the hole was small but there was a big sac that had pushed through with alot of stuff in it, which might explain why it took so damn long, because they only told me it would take about an hour, but the time missing from my life is four bloody hours! So where did they go? What were they doing? Did they have a party in my tummy? It actually feels like it! And did they shave around my belly button! Not a happy bunny! I’m so tender and my mouth is so dry and sore from the tube. He said they didn’t use a mesh they were able to sew it up and he said I was free to go! So I rang my dad and was home by 9am. Im trying my hardest to stay awake as long as possible, so I don’t mess up my sleeping. I don’t know if I will make it though and I really, really, really! want a bath and I can’t have one yet.

Oh and to top things off, about three weeks, yes THREE weeks of no driving! What will I do. That is not going to work for me.

Being in there has definitely made my mind up on one thing though, I really want to be a Health Care Assistant! Some how I have to get into it. It’s just so hard these days, but I shall be persistent.

So I shall take my O-so-Positive body and work on the things I need to. Become less depressed and less dependent and more HCA. It is my plan!

Got to love a plan!

Soon

H x

It’s just dawned on me!!!!

Ugh all of a sudden I have become acutely aware of what might be happening tomorrow!

After my lovely experience with the very rude pre op nurse last week, don’t know if I blogged about it, but I had to go in last Wednesday, and I had never met anyone so awful in a caring profession in all my life! If you are that jaded with your job, leave!

I needed to find out if Roux-en-Y affected anything to do with the anesthetic etc because all he knew was people with bands need to have them defilled and it causes all kinds of problems, even though I kept repeating I had not had a band, he still kept going on about it. Also, you across from the table now, are you diabetic.. and why am I taking omeprazole, there is no reason for it, anyone can get ulcers.. ugh I don’t know, I’m just doing as I’m told (see I can sometimes!!!)

So I thought I better speak to Nia, I left her a message and rang a couple of times today and I get a call back from Nikki, Nia is on annual leave, so I ask her (she asks who the hell this nurse is! lol) she says she will go speak to one of the surgeons to make sure for me and ring me back. Within five minutes she had rung back to say no problems with the anesthetic at all, I just have to tell them make sure they don’t use an NG tube. And although I know that is just a feeding tube it all became very real!

Panic set in!

I realised I have no bag ready, what the hell do I take? I don’t even know if I am staying in over night, I know nothing! (hello Jon Snow!!!)

I’m dropping my friend off while all this is going through my head and then I start thinking omg this might be my last chance to eat! lol some how I resisted the urge to call into the shop and buy everything I could, I don’t need to feel ill tonight. I shall stick to my pizza dip and Cauli cheese sticks.

But do I write letters, just incase? I know something bad is unlikely to happen, and I’ve already been through a huge operation and survived (yay me!) and this is quite basic in comparison, but of course there is always a risk.

I have no clue what I’m doing tonight, scared is now me!

Soon

H x

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