Don’t make me stop!

Everyone is telling me to stop exercising at the moment. But I can’t. In 15 days I will have no choice, but right now I need to keep going and pushing myself.

Yes I’m in agony, I can’t even touch my stomach today because I pushed so hard on my hernia yesterday to get it back in so I didn’t go to hospital, but I am so worried I have ripped something or done some damage to my bypass scar. I can’t believe how painful it is, but I really do not want to stop exercising while I still can. I will use it as an excuse to just give up and I don’t want that, especially when I’m enjoying it at the moment.
I have no idea how long I will have to give up for if the operation does go ahead, so I can’t see me losing any more weight for the next few months, which is very upsetting.

We have booked an 80s weekend in Butlins for the end of the year, Clare and her husband and I am so looking forward to it, would have liked to lose two more stone for it, but I can’t see that happening now. I am not an 80s fan, but Clare really is and to just be able to get away, it will be my first holiday in about 20 years, it might only be Butlins, but it’s going to brilliant with good company and some alcohol, I don’t drink very much, so I am really looking forward to this!

It’s amazing what I have done the last few months,  I have to keep remembering all the time.

This time last year I would never have met new friends I would have been too ashamed and going to London would have been completely out of bounds for me. So to walk 22,000 steps without much break was surreal to me. On Friday we are going to see a comedian in Tring and I’m so excited for it.  It’s a whole new world for me and I’m loving every moment.

I have met so many new and inspirational people recently and I wouldn’t know any of them without surgery so I feel very blessed right now to have them in my life.

Soon

H x

I found a bubble!

Had to take a break from the gym.
I hurt myself during the planking fun, and now my sciatica is playing up pretty bad in my right leg, so I was only going to the gym to walk on the treadmill or elliptical.
I don’t feel great about it, but there was nothing I could do, I just hope I can get back on it next week, can’t at the moment, I’m sitting in a very warm conservatory in Berkhamsted, watching Corrie and thinking I need to post!

The last two weekends have been great for my self esteem, but not for my weight!
Last Friday I got very very drunk. I don’t drink very often and thought I wouldn’t bother again, but Clare and Robert insisted! And I’m so glad I accepted, it was so much fun and I don’t think I have even been that drunk and the bonus was there was no hangover! I had a lovely weekend and it was over all too soon, but I knew I was going here (London) so had that to look forward to.

When I go back home, I really need to get back to basics before I ruin everything. It’s crazy how easy it is to allow bad things back in your life. I still have such a long way to go and so much to learn, after a lifetime of living the way I did, it’s not too much to expect bad times, as long as I recognise them, then it’s OK.

Friday nearly ended in disaster again. My plan was to drive to berkhamsted, got into the car to go to docs and pick up medication. I was feeling unwell thinking I just had a bad tummy because I haven’t been eating right at all. At the doctors Karen said I looked tired and I said I thought it was because of my tummy and was thinking I should go back home before I left.
Got to the chemist and I soon realised it wasn’t my tummy, it was the hernia again. Just what I wanted before a three odd hour journey. I popped back into the doctors to ask if they could quickly help but they said no they wouldn’t touch it and I needed to go to a&e as soon as possible. I got home as quickly as I could, ringing my dad on the way to say I needed hospital, I got in through the door and took everything off, it was all annoying me including my shoes and watch I ran upstairs to go to the toilet and my fingers and legs were going all tingly and cold, I shouted to my brother to say I thought I was going to faint. He wanted to call me an ambulance, I really thought I was going to need one, but I’m so scared of being a pain I managed to talk him out of it, dad arrived and made him call but I was shouting at them saying I needed to go now, so he cancelled it. Got in the back of dads car led down and just tried to breathe, the sweat was just dripping off me, it was like a tap, I guess that was my body’s way of dealing with the pain, otherwise I don’t know. I was shivering like hell and felt awfully sick.
Registered at the desk and they took me through within ten mins, saw a nurse who put on a cannula and took obs and she said I would be going through to majors. I got a wheelchair and taken over. Then the pain really kicked in, I was sat on a bench in so much pain. Leaning forward head in one of those cardboard sick bowls, my eyes wouldn’t stay open and I probably looked like I was in labour with my breathing lol
My mum and brother turned up to check on me, it was so hard to talk to them. They were there about twenty minutes and the pain got very intense and I thought oh crap, not again and with that it was gone! In one way I was so relieved but in the other I really wanted this whole thing over and get my operation done! I asked someone what I should do and they wanted me to wait, saw we did. I was now feeling very silly and so glad I didn’t have the ambulance.
About an hour later I finally got to see the doctor and all the bloods had come back fine, but he wanted to check one more to make sure there wasn’t any ischaemia, so I had another sample taken, with a rubber glove as a tourniquet! That was also fine, my bowel wasn’t dying! So obviously there was no point in having the operation now, just need to wait it out til next month he said and with that I was allowed to go home.

Dad dropped me home, I sorted our my hair and black eyes and off I went on my long journey. It’s a good drive I just get on the M4 all the way to the M25 and I’m almost there, nice and easy (though not on the way back it seemed!!)
I got to Berkhamsted and sat in Costa and met Robert. We went out for a lovely meal with his mum, on Saturday we went to London, I had never been before so I was very excited. The underground scared the hell out of me, so far down and bloody hot! We spent the whole day walking and shopping and Costa-ing I had a wonderful day and done 21,000 steps, I was so tired, but totally worth it.
I do still have a lot to work on with myself. Obviously being overweight all your life, you’re not exactly friends with yourself. I know some people say they are happy with it, but I never was, I have loathed myself most of my life and buried my feelings in food and my house by not leaving it. As a person I think I am quite happy though, so it’s weird, I don’t actually think of myself as negative, but I’m being made to realise I am and I have to try and change, if I do ever want to be OK with myself.
Rob is definitely opening my eyes up. My marriage was something that happened when I was young. We grew up together, but I was always in charge, he would never stand up to me, it was like he had no mind of his own and he was just happy to go along with whatever I said. While that is great for an easy life, it is not what I needed. I had moved away from home at a young age and had no support, I was making decisions that were just not right for me and I had no one to question it at all. We just went on year on year nothing changing except my size. Don’t get me wrong, we got on very well and I loved him, but it was more like a family love than something that excites and inspires you and is passionate and a little bit crazy. Having no children we could have experienced so much more in life but we didn’t. We sat in our home watching telly and playing computer games. At the time I thought this is what I wanted, he was a good person, but there was just no passion, no drive, just two people existing together quite happily waiting til whatever came along to shake it up a bit. Only nothing ever did. I loved him up until the day we split up, but as a friend said to me the other day having someone who doesn’t push you and has no mind of their own, it just becomes unattractive in the end, and I guess thats how it was so easy to just let 16 years together go. There was nothing there.
The person who came into my life after my husband left was just what I needed to get through my life at the time. He was too young and I was too old and very depressed, but he was there when I needed it and helped me through some hard times. We both knew deep down it would never go anywhere, but I cared for him alot. Everything was in complete secret with him though. No one knew we were together. I wasn’t ready and he wouldn’t have wanted to let anyone know he was with me and I don’t blame him for that at all. He was very stubborn and much more interesting relationship wise, because I couldn’t push him into what I wanted, but it was with him I made the decision I needed to have surgery and he was very good through that. I was very sad when we called time on what we had.
I’m not a person who wants to be in relationship after relationship, I saw that when I was growing up and decided that was not for me and I was lucky enough to meet Antony and thought that was it forever, clearly I was wrong then after Matthew I had decided that was it for a long long time at least. I was not interested I didn’t want to be that person.
Then Robert came into my life. He has been so good for me. I felt very uneasy to begin with and his intensity completely freaked me out at the start, but after staying at his last weekend I feel very different about it. We were in Costa in London on Saturday and I was slightly uncomfortable with it all, then all of a sudden it didn’t matter, we were in a very busy coffee shop and we were in our own little bubble, nothing else mattered, I didn’t care who was there or looking, it was just the two of us that existed and I absolutely loved that. I don’t think I have ever felt less self conscious in my life and I didn’t want it to end.
It’s really strange how the thing that was scaring me the most at the start is now the thing I crave the most from him.
It feels great to be like this, I am slowly letting my past go, along with my fears, I’m not saying it’s going to all happen today or even this month, but right now I know this person is making me very happy and I want to spend all my time in our blissful little bubble!

This post has taken me over a week to write, I think I’ll finish it for now, there is alot more I can add, I might continue at some point. Again if none of this is good, its because its been done in bits and on my mobile when I’ve been out lol so appologies!

Workouts and walking

I signed up for direct debit this morning at the gym. Which means I can now do any class I want. I get to do it all! Yay go me.
Went to the referral gym class this morning though, just so it wasn’t so scary yet, but Bryn had other ideas, he only went and threw me in with all the “normal” people with the omnia circuit. Bloody hell that was tough and daunting, all these slim fit girls and me! But they were very encouraging, and wanted me to do it. I gave all of the exercises a go apart from the step up onto a box, that was way too high. I tried but not enough strength in my legs yet. So Bryn showed me some exercises I can do to build up to it. I even did this one, don’t know what it’s called, but it’s a mini hammock low to the ground, where you put your feet in and rest it on your ankles and hold yourself up with your arms so your legs are suspended and you are in a plank position. You then pull your knees in to your chest.. well that’s the plan anyway, I have no idea what I looked like, but I gave it a damn good try. The bottom of my spine kept dipping towards the ground, which hurt and my knees didn’t make it took my chest, but I gave it my best shot. I felt so happy after our third circuit.
I’m going back to a studio class soon and I’m going to speak to Jackie about which classes she thinks I can do, that’s a little harder to push me that little bit more.
I can’t believe how much I am enjoying exercise at the moment, I’ve always enjoyed swimming and I used to love netball when I was young, but fat got in the way of doing anything like that, so it’s feels good to be enjoying it and wanting to push myself more.
The weekend is coming round so fast and I can’t wait. It’s probably going to bring up lots of issues for me again, but I’m preparing myself for them! The person I went to visit two weeks ago is coming for the weekend and we are going out with Clare and her husband and I have been told I’m having a drink, this is either going to fun or very painful lol cocktails from wetherspoons, it will be my first time having a proper drink for a very long time. Hopefully it will help me relax and enjoy myself more.
It’s going to be a walking weekend, he is going up the “hill” also known as a mountain! Clare suggested we took a walk up twmbarlwm instead, but neither of us knew how to get there,so we decided to go find out. That was some scary stuff! We ended up travelling backwards down a huge hill with massive potholes and only just enough for one car, I squealed the whole way down and I think Clare wanted to cry, but we survived!
We then found the correct road and it went on for miles, but only just the width of one car, it was scary as hell, but we found the car park. It looked high up and Clare said you know we have to go up now we are here. So off we went all the way to the top and boy was it worth it, 360 degree view, we could see all the way to cardiff, could see the millennium grounds as well as Barry Island. It was breathtaking. I cannot wait to go back there on the weekend, providing the weather stays nice.

Back to class I go!

Soon
Hx

Will it ever feel real?

Doing a class yesterday and I caught sight of myself straight on in the mirror.

As there are people in front of me it took me a moment to realise I was actually looking at myself. I’m not stupid, I know I still have a long way to go and I will probably never be a normal weight, but to see myself like that and realising I was smaller than I think was a strange feeling.
Whenever I go in next, which is often as Costa is there, I am now finding myself looking sideways at my stomach in the mirror, it’s so much slimmer these days, but my head still can’t take it in.
Me and Clare were talking about it this morning and she still has issues with it and she is tiny now. So I don’t know if it ever goes away. I still have a panic attack if I see a chair with arms on I need to sit in or  a turnstile even someone else’s car. I get all the anxieties come rushing back for a few seconds that I won’t fit. It’s not nice, but it is a relief when I get into it.
I get the same feelings with clothes right now too, I’m buying all these size 20s and I take them home. Then when it comes to put them on I look at them and think there is no way that’s going to fit, ill see how much more I have to go, and then they go on quite easily. It really shocks me. I don’t know if I will ever catch until mentally.
It’s really hard to explain this feeling to people who have never been in this situation. For 38 years my mind has been set in a certain way of my reality and now it’s quite quickly changing. I’m not going to feel confident about myself until my brain has caught up. If it even ever does. Sometimes I think I can be very good at faking confidence, but there are just some things I can’t. And right now those insecurities are being played on a lot.

I went out with my mother Saturday evening. She was going for a drink and I was being the doting daughter chauffeur. I get fed up when it’s just me with her. But I stick it out so she can enjoy herself and I definitely think she did this weekend. While she was off dancing I was sat watching and had these boys talking to me, they were only young and I was quite scared of them to begin with, but they were really quite nice and weren’t mean to me once. I was sure how I felt about the attention, in one way it’s nice, but as I posted the other day, I really do feel like I don’t deserve it. I feel like they’re talking to me out of pity or as a joke. But I really don’t think they were. But I am also very aware a year ago, hell even a few months ago, they wouldn’t have even noticed me. Well no that’s not true, they would have but for all the wrong reasons.  I’m still not sure how  I feel about it all and I sure as hell don’t know how to deal with it!

I’m on my kindle in costa so if none of this makes sense, sorry I can’t be bothered to read it over. This is just straight from my head to my tablet! Lol

I do have this one pic I want to show you. It’s getting easier each week to do this.. feels fab!

Soon
H x

Moving forward, don’t look back

I feel so much better after being to the gym twice in a day and then going to my favourite place for my Costa Coffee, makes me feel like I deserve it now and it tastes even better.

I went to Tai Chi this morning I had never been before, so was unsure what to expect. I guess it’s about becoming more aware of yourself, letting go of stress, connecting with the elements, and your body and acknowledging the past and being open to the future, with the movements and words being used it felt very relevant in my life right now.

Especially after the weekend away.

I was faced with things I was not expecting and it brought up alot of feelings,  mostly negative and I was not prepared or ready to deal with them, I’ve been pushing everything away and trying not to deal with emotional things that are not weight related. I’ve made myself a little bubble of where I’m happy and what I want for the future so I can protect myself. I don’t need anyone in my life who is going to send me back to where I was. It’s been hard moving away from that.

The weekend started with me going to see a friend, I was happy, was going away for the night meeting a new friend and have a moan about our exes as we had been bonding over heart-break the last week or so, I was looking forward to seeing him and having a fun time.
I drove what felt like half way across the country lol about 150 miles to a beautiful little town called Berkhamsted. Initially, I felt totally out of place, it was a world away from what I was used to pretty little shops and cafe’s very quaint and felt like I was on the set of a film!

I checked in to a Premier Inn and went to meet him, nerves didn’t kick in until I took a wrong turn and ended up in a different street, but I needn’t have worried. He was just the same as he was the last couple of weeks that I’ve been talking to him, so I was completely at ease and relaxed and my initial fear of being there was gone. Even if he does think I still have issues about it, I don’t, I just like playing on the differences ;p
We already had a plan, of sorts, about what we were going to do, he wanted to take me for a walk up a local beacon, which he thought was bigger than my mountain, ha how wrong he was! I walked up there easily, which I was very happy about, I was a tiny bit out of breath, but not enough to care, it felt amazing. Getting to the top, I was greeted with a picturesque view, although the wind was bitter up there and I didn’t have a coat, it didn’t take away the charm of where I was and he was very sweet and tried to take off his jacket to give to me, but I wouldn’t wear it.

After the walk we decided to go out for a meal at a proper restaurant which I had never been to before, so I was a little nervous. When we went in, it was all candles and dim lighting and felt slightly romantic, I thought oh god, this is going to be awkward.
It was a lovely meal, even with the small amount I ate, he was very charming and attentive, had very good conversation and it actually didn’t feel awkward at all. He was very intense and made me feel like I was the only person in the room, it was a little strange as I had never been made to feel like that before, but I actually quite liked it. His attention was completely and utterly on me. Though I wasn’t quite sure what to do with this as I had gone for the visit as friends, but I was definitely enjoying myself!

However;

That’s where the lovely evening started to go bad . Going back to the car I knew something was wrong. I was hoping so much I just had a bad tummy from the food. But if course not, that would be too easy.
Hernia hell incoming!

By the time I drove us back to the hotel, I was in so much pain, and trying to hide it, but I realised I had to tell him what was going on. For two hours he was the sweetest kindest person, trying to help me, I was desperate not to show how much pain I was in, I couldn’t believe this was happening. He ran me a bath as that worked last time and helped the hernia go back in, so I sat in there for about half an hour, but it just wasn’t moving, so I got back out and led on the bed, hoping gravity would help. Nope, so we decided he should try to help push it back in. This was so odd, we had never met each other and I had this almost stranger, pushing all their weight onto my tummy trying to push my insides back in where they needed to be! It was surreal to say the least and I was finding it quite funny between trying not to scream and wanting to run away! He  came across something on google, which said to use ice on it, so he ran down to the bar and came back with a pint of ice, and he decided no towel or holder was necessary and was trying to put it on me like that! I was not impressed and made him get me a towel, so much better, I am clearly smarter with these things! And then I sat there for a good while, with freezing cold ice on me, he kept wanting to phone for an ambulance, but I didn’t want that,  I didn’t want to go to hospital I really didn’t want this happening at all, I told him he could go and I would be okay, I was trying to be strong. I didn’t want him to feel obliged to me. It was horrible. But of course he didn’t go, I think he was scared to death I was dying! I finally admitted defeat after about two hours, though it felt like five and we went to the urgent care centre. I registered and we sit down and  the pain is getting worse, I start getting very hot and sweaty and he mentions it and there is nothing I can do, it’s my body trying to deal with the pain and I just want to die and be anywhere but there, this is not how I wanted to end the night, getting ready for emergency surgery in England 150 miles from home!
The nurse called me in and I explained everything to him and he takes me out the other side to wait to see a doctor. Within about ten minutes of sitting there, I get a huge pain in my stomach and immediate relief! It’s gone, all that fuss again for it to just disappear, but I couldn’t have been more thankful. I talk to the nurse and tell him whats happened and he said I could go as there was nothing they could do now and to take things very easy. I walk back out to the waiting area to find him, suddenly realising what a mess I am, not that I look good most of the time anyway, but I was there with wet leggings and a t-shirt from the ice, no bra and probably black eyes from being so stressed and totally drained from all the pain. What a fun night I provide!

I drive us back to the Premier Inn and he wants to make sure I’m ok, so he comes up and we watch tv for a bit and talk about everything and nothing, which was really nice, he has a way of getting things out of me I find hard to talk about and he listens, doesn’t just pretend to listen like a lot of people, he actually pays attention and uses it to get more from you, he is very sneaky, but in a good way!
So I’m finally feeling calm and relaxed and then in one moment everything changed, for the better.

For the last three years since my marriage broke down, my life has just been at a standstill.
I was completely focussed on one thing, getting surgery, yes I was kind of sharing my life with someone, but it wasn’t going anywhere, he was what I needed at the time and it suited us, but I knew when that came to an end, I was done, I didn’t want the hassle of meeting someone, starting again just to get hurt, it’s too hard, so I always had a plan, I was quite happy with my plan or I thought I was and now all of a sudden everything has turned upside down and I no longer know what I want, what I’m doing, who I am or where I’m going.

It’s been such a fun weekend, which went in a completely different direction to what I was anticipating and I really, really, REALLY wasn’t prepared ;)
It seems to have completely screwed with my head in so many ways I’ve never imagined. I am flustered and don’t know if I’m coming or going (thank you Clare, who finds this hilarious BTW!!!!)
Things I thought I knew, I no longer know if they were true.
Things I thought I wanted have changed.
And things I didn’t think I wanted now seem to be in my head.
I had given up on feeling any different to what I was. I’m scared and excited and happy and crazy.
I am petrified of what’s happening, but loving it at the same time.
As you can tell my head is a complete mess at the moment and I don’t know what I’m thinking, I really need to let go of the old me, stop holding on to my fears and the past, leave it behind me and let this just happen. But I also don’t know if I can let go.

Which is where going to Tai Chi was so odd, it was like as if it was telling me what to do, I couldn’t believe Jackie was saying these things and it was just the basis of my whole weekend, letting go and being open to my future.

We have spoken all the time since I have been home and he is coming to see me in a week or so. He tells me I have walls up and I don’t know if I agree with him, but I have had to deal with so much the last few years and I am still trying to find who I am going to be after such a huge change in my life.
Maybe he will help me become who I am meant to be, but he will have to be patient, I am still quite delicate, I might make jokes about serious things and not realise it, but time will help, when you’ve been so horribly overweight all your life its hard to believe and allow something good to happen, you almost feel like you don’t deserve it, like you are a lesser person some how and I need to protect myself, because even though the weight might be slowly going away, my mind needs time to catch up, I am still her, she is still me and we don’t know if we are allowed to be happy in that way!
I always feel like I have to tell people what I’ve had done, I feel like I’m cheating them some how if I don’t. Like I’m not worthy to just allow people to know me as I am today, and be my friend for who I am now in this moment.
I need them to know I failed most of my life and I might not actually be worth knowing. I get to know right away then if they are going to judge me I guess.
Where this has come from I don’t know, this isn’t something I have thought about until right now. Maybe I do actually need to stop telling people about my past and let them know me for me. It’s something I allowed to happen to me and I made the changes I needed to, to get control back again. It does not make me who I am?

How weird I have never thought of it like that before.

I need to do some thinking!

Soon

H x