Emotions Everywhere and I’m Starting to Care!

So so much has happened since I last posted. It’s been surreal.

So I started work the following morning, it was damn hard but I enjoyed it, the things I saw were heartbreaking and very emotional. I watched as Rosie did everything and helped when I could. The next day was my turn to do everything, by our second call I thought I was dying, this lady I was with, was 47, two years ago, she had a tumor removed in her pituitary gland, that night she had a stroke. Her left arm is stuck at a 90 degree angle and her legs are massive with cellulitis and are rock hard, it’s such a sad thing, but after dealing with all that, I was dying! From that moment on I was on a downward spiral all day, I knew it wasn’t going to be a good day. By the time we got to a call, where I could see the woman didn’t have more than 24h to live, which broke my heart as it reminded me of my nan. I knew I couldn’t carry on, I was sick and dizzy and just not well at all! So I told Rosie I had to go home.
I thought about what I was going to do, I knew with all my issues and now with my random sickness I get, I was confused. I really wanted this job, I was desperate for it, but could I actually physically do it?
I waited for my references to come through, and spoke to them about my concerns and they told me that they were going to ease me into it as I hadn’t worked for twenty years, so that made me feel better. I did however have my worries the whole time, but this was something I really wanted to do, so I pushed them aside.Then I got my start date!

I was so excited! They started me off with a lot of breaks in between calls. So I thought I would be okay. Oh how I wrong I was. By the time I had my long break I knew I was in trouble. I rang the office and said I was worried again, but I’d make an appointment with my doctor for the afternoon and speak to them and see what they said. She told me not to do anything as it was my first day, but I was worried, I knew how much pain I was in, she didn’t.
I went to my doctor told her what was happening and she said Hayley, you cannot control your pain when you’re doing nothing?! And you want to do a physical job..  It’s not going to get better, it’s going to get worse.

I knew she was right, so I went home and made the phone call to them to say I couldn’t do it and I was distraught. I got home and sobbed and sobbed, I was gutted. I then sent one of the girls in the office a message saying how sorry I was etc etc. And she said to me they had been talking and thought what about if I just did sits. And I thought about it and said yeah I could do that, it’s easy, you sit with someone while their family member goes and does what they need to, mini respite for a few hours. How hard could that be!?

It started off okay, then slowly they were putting more on me, there was a couple I was looking after on the weekends, who had dementia, they both had different types. And boy was it hard.
I don’t need to go over all the hard stuff that happened, but the day I realised that I couldn’t do it, was a Sunday I was at this couples house, and I fell asleep at the kitchen table, it was only nodding off, but I knew something wasn’t right, that’s not what I do, I started to be sick, so after a while, I rang and asked if I could go home early, and they told me there was no way I could leave, so I left it a bit longer and then sent a text message to their daughter and asked if I could leave and hour early, she told me she would be down right away.

So I left early and went home and I slept til the Tuesday, turned out I had tonsillitis again for the third time in three months! I was completely wiped out for two whole weeks again. I was so unwell. But that Sunday that I left their home, I knew I couldn’t do this job, if I couldn’t go home to be ill when I needed to, then I couldn’t do the job! It was just killing me.

I was distraught. But what could I do?

So now I’ve learnt my lesson I am not ready for work yet. So I’m going to wait until they force me to go and they can find me a job that I am able to do!

So of course all this sent me into a downward spiral, I thought I was ready, I thought I was picking my life back up, albeit twenty years later, with arthritis in both hips and my spine and having gone through weight loss service, my stomach and intestines removed, divorced to the husband I thought I would always be with and our twenty year anniversary being in April, I wasn’t coping well at all.

My food took a hit. I was just eating junk, no real food going in me and I didn’t care. I was starving myself again nutritionally, filling my face with junk like I did when I was 32 stone.

People think it’s easy. Stop eating lose weight. They have no idea it’s a mental issue, not a greed thing. No one can understand unless you have ever been obese. And even then, no one else has any idea of what is going on with you and how you got to be the size you did. There are usually stories for the reasons people gain huge amounts of weight and usually it is not down to just greed alone.  It is so much more complex than that.

But people judge. And boy do they judge obesity. I think I have said it before, but I think the reason get so angry and annoyed at obesity is because it can happen to them, so easily, just one thing changing in their lives can send them into the same spiral that I found myself in twenty years ago. It’s so easy for it to happen. 1lb 7lbs 20lbs it’s so easy to creep up  because of one thing that happens in your life, or it could be a huge life changing thing that happens.  We just don’t know the future and what could happen.
And I think that is why people judge so harshly with obesity. 

So I got to a point where I was starting to feel my clothes getting tighter, I was ignoring it. I didn’t care I wanted junk and only junk! But I knew I was screwing myself over, how could I carry on with what I was doing! I’m going to ruin everything.

So last week I closed my eyes and stepped in the scales! I wanted to hurt myself so much! From my lowest, I was only there for a day, but two and a half stone back on!

Wtf wtf wtf!

Ugh guess what today is the start of.

Pouch reset time.

So the last time I did this, I went almost four weeks without eating I was so petrified of eating again, I couldn’t make myself eat not matter what I did. Even seeing the psychologist didn’t help. The only thing that made me eat again was getting tonsillitis, I think that was my body saying hey missy, eat or I’m going to give you and illness you have never had in your life before because your immune system is so low right now!

Yeah that made me eat again!

And God did I eat again! That was the start of me not stopping which was just intensified when I realised I couldn’t work!

So I started with the five day pouch test and oh dear it started again! I got scared of eating, only kept it kind of under control, day five I managed to force myself to eat a cheese omelette in the evening and today I have made food.  Good real food that my body needs, not junk, I think I needed that to make me think about the fact I actually needed protein and vegetables and all things a good healthy vegetarian needs!

How long it will last is anyone’s guess, but here I am trying and writing on my blog again. It’s always good to write here, I know I’m doing okay when I’m back.

So here I am eating good food, writing and hoping to continue on the good path, though this time next week I shall be on a 90s weekend in Butlins, so I might be on a very strict time limit! Ha

Soon, with luck!

H x

 

Work work work!

So I woke up this morning heart racing, mind going crazy back in half, sciatica making me cry out in pain and I was petrified.
I knew that this was my last morning of waking up as normal.
Tomorrow when I do the exact same thing, I know my whole world is about to change.
To say I am scared is an understatement of epic proportions.
The last time I worked was in April 1996 and I was responsible for pressing ties! Yep those things you wear around your neck to go to your job where you probably sit at a desk, or for funerals, or interviews, usually guys, but hey girls wear them too!

Tomorrow when I wake up and get myself ready and out to my car and drive to where I need to go, I am going to be responsible for humans! Real live people!
My life is about to change beyond all possible recognition.
Anxiety is all I feel right now, I have not felt comfortable since the moment I woke up, of course the pain doesn’t help and I’m thinking how on earth am I meant to look after other people when I’m in this much pain myself!
But in the same breath I also know I don’t want my life to carry on like it is.
I want to do something and I think I get on with people quite well and can take care of them, so in a way it does suit me.
I just hope I come back tomorrow and absolutely love what I have done but also shattered and want my bed! Lol
I’m not going to let my self disbeliefs take me down and stop me doing this.
I AM getting up at half five in the morning, and I WILL get ready for work and I SHALL go meet Rosie and start my work and help the faceless Mary! She is my first call as a support worker/carer! Me? A support worker and carer?!
This is surreal!
This is something I have to do or I am going to end up back at 32 stone again and I don’t want that.
Since being so so ill with the tonsillitis, I’ve eaten like a bitch and I’m not eating correctly now, I’m not getting any proteins or fibre in, my hair and nails are horrific and without even weighing I know I have put on weight and I have the nutritionist on Tuesday! So that’s another thing making me anxious.
So it’s all hopefully going to come together.
I will love my work and I will get control of my weight again, it’s like I’m not able to have a happy medium I either its everything or nothing at all, so with something else to focus on, hopefully everything will get back under control again and I will be OK.
I would definitely like another session with the psychologist again to discuss some things, I know where I’m going wrong, but sometimes it’s nice to have that objective person who wants to see you succeed for no other reason, than she’s being paid to! Lol
So yeah today everything is completely up in the air for me.

A whole twenty year absolutely appalling bad chapter of my life is coming to an end today and while I want more than anything for it to be gone, it’s also my comfort blanket and I am holding onto it for dear life while also wanting to let it blow off into the wind! And drown in the fucking ocean with the rest of all my bad shit!
It’s such a confusing, scary, anxious, exciting time for me and only tomorrow will I know how I feel.
Once I’ve made that initial getting out there and meeting Rosie I’m pretty sure I will be OK, it’s just that huge giant first leap for me, I’m scared I’m going to fall down into the abyss and no one will hear me scream!
That is the point of the abyss Hayley!

So a few hours have passed since I wrote that earlier sat in Costa with Latte in hand! I’m now at home and in twelve, yes twelve small hours, I’m going to be getting ready and scared senseless! When I got home I had a letter from Morriston asking me to go see the psychologist on Wednesday weirdly! So strange how I had said I wanted to see her earlier today and then it just appears, but I did have to ring up and change it, I can’t do that day as I’m in work til 15:00 and that’s half an hour later, so not feasible at all.

I don’t know how I feel right now, I’m numb and just want it to be this time tomorrow so I know what it was like.
I’m trying to put into words how I feel, but none of what I have written even comes close.
I spoke to my friend this morning and I get this!

Omg tell me I’m doing the right thing! I’m petrified Dan, fucking petrified
It’s a job which is much better than sitting at home everyday!
Thank you! Just what I needed!

He’s always a twat to me, but he tells me how it is.
Driving him home Sunday morning I wasn’t sure what we were talking about, but he kept telling me all things come to and end, so I say to him, you’re actually admitting its a good thing then? Because he hates letting me know he needs/wants me and he’s like but all things come to an end! So I ask, do you want this to end then, is that what you’re saying and he says no, that’s not what I’m saying.
He’s awful to me, but I’m addicted to him, so it’s shit!But with this new chapter in my life, I wont think about him as much and he will realise!

Oddly, if you have been following my blog from the start, you remember the guy I was with four years ago, he inexplicably added my sister on Facebook this week, then when she asked why, he said he had moved on etc but wondered how we all were, now this guy is in a relationship, he didn’t even like my sister when we were together and now adding her on Facebook… and he’s moved on?! By definition, that is NOT moving on.
Even if he wanted nothing to do with me, just the mere fact of adding her meant he thought of me.
Very very odd indeed.
Younger guys confuse me, yet I don’t want someone my own age!
I’m in a lonely pickle! lol

Anyway
Here is to all the new chapters, and to the next one that is changing my life for the better.
To being  from the person I was three years ago.

Thank you Roux-en-Y

Soon!

A very scared, anxious and tired H x

Is This My Life? Actually For Reals?!

My life?
My life?
Wow I don’t even recognise it at the moment.

It’s been over a month since my last post.
Today would have been my nans 89th birthday, but sadly she has been gone four years. I miss her alot.

The week after my psychology appointment, I started to introduce some food, I was still finding it hard, then that Sunday, something hit me, I could not get out of bed, There was something wrong with me, I was in and out of sleep all day, when I did manage to get out of bed the only place I got to was the bath, where I was also falling asleep, it was horrific, during my lucid moments rolling around in bed, all that was going through my mind was Lori and Maggie from The Walking Dead, I thought I was going insane! The next day I managed to wake up but I had a sore throat by the Tuesday I realised I had tonsillitis and I was quite poorly!
So so poorly, my tonsils were huge and had massive white blobs on them and for someone who had never in her life experienced this it was awful. Everything was depressing, even down to the tv, I watched a film about J K Rowling, which was really quite interesting but now when I think about it, it fills me with dread as it reminds me of that whole time.
But I know the reason and only reason I got that illness was down to the fact I did not give my body any nutrition. How stupid.
I have no words to explain what was going through my mind.
I desperately needed food in my body, it was crying out for me to give it nutrition. And my god did I give myself food then.

Hunger kicked in and showed me who was boss. And it sure as shit wasn’t me!

At the end of that week I was in so much need of a cuddle I travelled all the way to Taunton just to get one, from someone I’m sadly beginning to care too much about and I so need to keep my distance, its bloody hard, but the drive was totally worth it at the end of what I had been through just to see my friend. I needed him.

For the next four weekends I saw him, and this is where the problem started. It was never meant to be  more than sex, but I think we both started to care, but knew it wasn’t going anywhere, so we are all in a shit load of confusion, me even more so, emotional things are not my forte! Not even slightly, I am so over emotional, so I don’t know where I am.

I know we need to stop seeing each other so much, but my god it is hard!

I decided to have another blood test, I like to keep on top of it all, but again my parathyroid levels came back high, but calcium levels normal, same as the last two times. So I thought I would do some investigating myself by asking the WLSInfo community, they know so much as a group as they are the ones living with it all.
So the information I get back is that basically my body is leaching calcium from my bones, which of course is going to eventually cause me a whole heap of problems, least of all brittle bones! I do not want that! Not even slightly.
So I was told to ask to change to a different calcium with a separate D3.

So below is the email I sent Nia, along with what I said to the community and what I was told.

Hi Nia,

I got my bloods done at my doctors and again for PTH levels are high, this is the third time it’s happened, so I thought I would get some advice from the WLSInfo community, not sure if you can see attachments, so I will copy what was said. I had alot of replies, but one in particular seemed to have some good knowledge of it.
So I am wondering if its possible to get changed over to the calcium citrate, a seperate D3 and magnesium citrate and k2, I’m really worried about the long term affects of what this could be having on me and really want to give this a try and see if it sorts out my levels?
I don’t want to keep having to worry about it and if its something as simple as changing over some vitamins I was hoping you could write to my doctor to ask for it to be put on my repeat and see how my next bloods are!
Thank you so much!
Hayley xx

____________
Hey guys, I need help again, I’m pretty sure I’ve asked about this before, but yet again I have high PTH levels and when I look into it all I can find is about tumours, which obviously I don’t have. I take my calcichew religiously, sometimes I have more as I like the flavour! But what is the long term affects this is going to have?
I am constantly tired at the moment, I went to bed at 2pm yesterday and didn’t get up til half ten this morning, but I don’t think that’s anything to do with that? I am getting over a pretty bad tonsillitis, so hoping it’s just the after affects of that!
Thanks for any help. 

•  Calcichew is calcium carbonate, which needs a high acidity to absorb properly. Really, WLSers need to have calcium citrate (which many GPs won’t prescribe, unfortunately). I’d recommend taking a calcium citrate, as well as a separate D3 (make sure it’s a dry one and not suspended in oil) as well magnesium citrate and K2. If your PTH is high, and your calcium level is ok, it means that the calcium is being leached from your bones, which is clearly not good. You may have to get it all yourself as a lot of GPs wont prescribe.

So that was what I sent to her, expecting to have to fight to get to change everything over and this is what she sent back to me!

Hi Hayley,

 Interestingly we’re in the process of reviewing our recommendations following the National Bariatric Surgery meeting and this was one of the subjects raised.

We plan to advise that the prescription below is what all GP’s follow for patients after a gastric bypass;

Nutritional supplements (routine) following a Gastric Bypass

Proton Pump inhibitor (maintain dosage as on hospital discharge) Forceval vitamins, 2 capsules daily Ferrous Fumarate, 210mg, one tablet, once daily or twice daily for menstruating women Calcit   (calcium carbonate 1.25 g, providing calcium citrate when dispersed in water), two tablets, twice daily Alphacalcidol 500 nanograms, once daily Vitamin B12 injection, 6 monthly

So weirdly they have been discussing this and realising that for some people , the calcium is not being absorbed/used correctly, I have no idea what is going on to be fair, I just know I’m not right and need help!
Nothing new there then!
So I went to my doctor to tell them everything that needed to be done went through it all, highlighted all the bits and read through it all again on my sheet, he had his own letter too. All good.
But when I went and got my meds, I had calcichew again, but the other one without the D3, this didn’t seem right to me, so this morning I rang Nia again and she said no, it has to be the calcit, so back I go again, but spoke to a receptionist at the doctors, she is someone who isn’t usually there, but, we couldn’t find calcit at all, we found an effervescent one that looked correct, so she did that one but obviously I had to wait for it to be signed. So I went back to chemist to ask them to get it in and again, she couldn’t find it on the system, got out the book and the only one she could find was cacit! So I said Nia might have made a spelling mistake as she has done many times and I rang her, so she said she would get it out and have a look at it was right! She had made a mistake, but she had used my letter, as I am the only one she sent it out to yet as I am the one with the issues and copy and pasted it to every patients doctor! So she thanked me and the pharmacist to catch her mistake before she sent out all those letters! lol
So by 18:30 I should have all the correct meds! My gosh its been hard work!

Which leads me nicely onto my news!

For a long time I’ve wanted to go to work. I’ve said it before, but I’m petrified of it, standing completely on my own two feet, responsible for me, no one to rely on.
From the age of 19 I had Antony, he was my everything, and did everything for me and he was happy to provide me with everything I needed; money, food, love, support, but I never remember any encouragement, pushing me, hell even asking me to do something that was slightly out of my comfort zone to try and help us, but slowly without even noticing it our relationship changed, I changed, I was happy doing nothing and letting him do everything for me and he was happy doing it, it meant things never changed and that’s the way he liked it. Becoming my carer was inevitable!
And now I’m turning the tables.

I may not be 100% physically fit, but mentally I am there, my mind wants this, my mind needs this. I have done something that is so easy an normal for everyone else, but for me? This is the most difficult thing I have done.

I am working.
Yep, me Hayley, who didn’t get out of her bed unless she needed the bathroom,, didn’t even want to go downstairs it was that bad, Didn’t step foot out of the front door for over three damn years!
Yes, I am working!.. working!.. working!

I never thought I would change or ever work or ever even want to work!

This last week I don’t know who I am.

I made this choice, me, no one else, I’m doing this because it is MY decision. Mine! I have made this.

I am going to be providing for myself  for the first time in twenty years.
I am shocked, I feel completely different I don’t know who I am, but I am loving it.

Obviously this has been going through my mind for a long time.
Ever since I was in hospital and saw the Health Care Assistants, it’s something I desperately want to do. The job they do the care the provide, is amazing.
I have looked into it, but it has been so hard to do, there are no courses or anything, you just have to get lucky!

My brothers girlfriend is a senior nurse at our local hospital and shes told me that she would help me get into the nurse bank when a position comes up in April. But I was sat in Costa last Monday and I thought I don’t want this any more, I need something else, this isn’t living. I spoke to Sian one of the girls that works there and she said just go for it Hayley, you can get on with anyone, you are amazing and friendly and you can do whatever you want.
So I came home, found the email I had last year from the care company I was going to go for an interview with and asked Ceri if I could come in again for an interview and she asked me come in the next day. So that is what I did!
I was so scared all night, and in the morning I didn’t know if I was able to go in! I was so ill, but I made I made it there, and the interview went well, it was really my first one, as I didn’t really have an interview for the job I had all those years ago.

I wasn’t sure I was getting the job, but indeed I did! I was told if she could get me on training for Monday she would, but she emailed me to say that there were no spaces, I was gutted I wanted it to get started!
At half nine on Friday evening I looked at my email and there was one there from her saying there was a space! Oh I was frantic, how would I let her know I wanted to do it, so stalker Hayley found her on Facebook and messaged her. I was so happy, she sent me all the info on where to go and times.
So I was set!
Monday came and I got up before the alarm went off. I was scared and excited, I didn’t know what to expect, but I knew I wanted it!
I thought I was going to end up making myself ill before I went, I didn’t leave the bathroom, lucky I had already made my laptop lunchbox the night before, so I was all ready to go.
I set off for Abergavenny and the journey was quite easy, no traffic queues or anything I didn’t get lost. I found the sign just off te roundabout and pulled in to the teeny tiny car park. There were a few spaces left and it was just after 9am, so thought I would sit there and wait.
Quarter past nine I think I should probably go in and be nice and early!
Ha
So much for that. I sign in, walk through the building out the back to the training room and its pretty much full.
Oh crap!
I look at a girl and say do we just sit, as I wasn’t sure if I needed to speak to someone first, she said yes, so I sat down on the table closest to the door, next to a guy and a girl.
Then I realise that there are five to each table, two more can fit on mine, oh we are cramped!
A girl called Megan sat between me and Colin, Nerys was next to him then Amanda was on the end.
There were five tables so twenty of us in total, and Carole the trainer.
I had an amazing few days, I was surprised at how involved I was how, I spoke up, I recounted stories had questions and was really quite engaging.
I had the Wednesday off as the manual handling had to be split in two as she wouldn’t be able to fit us all in that training room. So I went back on the Thursday and had a great day. Manual handling put my mind at ease. It was alot of fun and me and a guy called Scott worked so well together, I told him I wished we were working in the same area we would need no more training, we could go out on our own and be perfect together! No more taining required!
That would have been nice, but Alas, not to be!
It’s funny the difference in  my attitude from Monday to Thursday. After Training Monday, I was scared, asking myself if I was doing the right thing, could I do it did I want to, was I ready. Did I even want to?
I was making myself go to work when I didn’t actually have to yet. I wasn’t being forced yet. So was this stupid?
I thought I would do the training anyway, it wouldn’t hurt.
Monday was all about abuse, it was awful and very sad, even something as simple as this;
You go see a service use and you know they love porridage, they will lick their bowl clean and ask for more, but this week they have been asking for jam on toast, so you make them jam on toast, but when you go back you see they have had one bite and nothing else, they have not eaten anything else all morning!
This goes on for a few days, so you know they love porridage, so instead of asking them what they want you give them the porridage, they lick the bowl clean and want more!
You’ve done good you’ve provided them with food and they wont go hungry and they loved it, they asked for seconds again!
However, you have now abused them!
The reason being?
You took away their choice, every service user has a choice and you should  never ever remove that from someone, even if what they are doing in wrong!
What you should have done in that case, was give her the jam on toast, but also followed it up with the porridage, then she had the choice right there in front of her, she could have had the one bit of toast and then the porridage was there if she was still hungy!
Perfect solution.

After lunch we did medication.
Wowion.
Need to know the difference between verbal and administering medication.
So much stuff!
Tuesday we learned about manual handling.
Thursday was manual handling practical, there was only six of us and it was great, I loved every moment of it, I loved learning all the different equipment, how we move o demonstrate oureveryone and we had to demonstrate as carers and be service uers oursevles, the aount of trust they have to put into people, theo ty and able ty initially don’t know. Complete strangers to them. It is very scary. So this is why keeping to the same careres is a very good idea, so you get to know your service user and get to know and completely trust you. Feeling safe and comfortable is a must in this world.
Also being chatty and being able to talk to people is a bonus in this job, to keep someone calm, to make them feel safe with you.
I think I can do that.
By the end of Thursday I wanted this so so much.
I started this post on the 16th March today is the 21st.
I went to the office this morning, to sort out my paper work, bank details etc. Sorted out my business insurance for my car and ordered my uniform.
All I am waiting for is my DBS to come back now, then I’m off out shadowing.
Excitement is an understatement.

So my life now feels like its not mine!
Who is this person.
I am a woman who can walk and work and drive and can now stand on my own two feet.

Four years ago I let my husband walk out the door without a fight.
I led on my floor crying because I couldn’t put electricity into my metre, hell I couldn’t even get off the floor!
Life was bad.
Life? That wasn’t life, I don’t even know if I was existing, I was just wasting space.
Now, I am going to be making a difference in soingsmeones life, while it may not be huge in the grand scheme of things, to them if I wasn’t there they would be in hosptial or a home. So I will be making a difference to someones life and to me, that is something amazing.

Sorry if this is a huge post, I can’t tell it looks its on my new netbook, but don’t know how much it is to read!

So yeah, this has been my life the last few weeks, stuff has chage emensly and I don’t know if I will like it, but so far so good!

Soon

H x

Abso-fucking-lutely!

Well today was the day!
I got out and wasn’t sectioned! hahah

So I took a road trip today, another two hospital road trip with a guy who I have known for four days. More on him later!

Get to Morriston and go in and see Michelle and I explain to her my whole issue with hoarding and eating food, then I come on to my latest problem!
I haven’t eaten for 17 or 18 days now with the exception of Milk, protein powder, gum and now… wait for it!
Farleys Rusks.
Yes those crunchy big biscuits for babies! How they hell they got into this no eating thing, I have no idea, but there we have it. Farleys Rusks, Hayleys food of choice!
After spending a very long hour, in which we discussed an awful lot including my marriage which made me cry when I realised how awful I had been to my ex husband, I had known this for a while, but speaking out loud, saying to someone that I would call him downstairs to get me another can of Pepsi Max from the kitchen which was probably twenty steps away, really upset me, if I had stayed being this me, the one who I was when we met, the one who I am again now after surgery, where could we have been, what could have happened to our lives if I had been normal! Who does that kind of thing. It was so selfish, everything was my way, he got a say in nothing and he always went along with it, no question because he loved me.
I think the relationship he is in now, might actually be the other way around and he is the more dominant one. I wish I had let us be equal and didn’t expect him to go out to work and provide for me and me do nothing, then when he came home, expected him to do everything else for me!
And I can’t even tell him how sorry I am.
I’m not sure which is harder to deal with, knowing I destroyed our relationship and THEN ended it or not being able to say sorry for being the person I was and while being in control of him, I was in no way in control of myself!

It’s very hard to take now. But I have to move on.

So I’m thinking I have an issue with eating and she seems to think it’s not eating I have a problem with, I have gone weeks without eating proper food, I have gone up and down the sweet/crisp aisle dozens of times and I have not been affected by any of it, I do not want it. Which is always the case, even when I’m buying it, I stand there and wonder, what do I want, nothing in particular and also everything I can see, so I look and look and finally settle on something I think I might want!
So then I take that home and I feel the need to eat it all at once, or give it to my brother, because firstly there is guilt there because I bought it and secondly I didn’t want it anyway so I need to find a way to get it out of my house and the most obvious answer is to eat the damn stuff as fast as possible!
My problem is actually a fear of losing control of shopping.

How weird, yet it makes absolute sense.
I can go shopping and buy food and eat it perfectly fine when I am buying the right food for me, but I am actually petrified of being in the supermarket and losing control and buying the stuff I don’t actually want, then the whole cycle begins! Because that is the point I lose control, I can’t lose control when I’m sat at home thinking about it, as there is nothing in my house I can eat that will make me feel like that.
Food isn’t my problem (not in this case! clearly it has been!) but I am scared of losing control shopping!
So we came up with some ideas for me to counteract it and be back in control.
And I feel a whole lot better about the situation.
I may not be perfect straight away, but I will get there again and it’s made me feel so so so much better knowing I am not losing control of eating, I’m not eating so how can I be, I didn’t realise I actually have that under control! It’s a fear of shopping and losing control while I am there and there are so many ways I can prevent that now I feel alot better about the whole situation!
It’s funny as I wasn’t really expecting her to be able to help me that much and yet she really has. I guess these people have this job for a reason!

Much more like it!

Last week I think I met three people three nights running and every single one of them told me I look so much prettier in real life than on my photos! It is still so hard for me to accept! I find it hard enough when people tell me I look pretty on my pics, i’m like wtf they looking at?! But then to be told it to my face is unreal and I still feel uncomfortable with it. I guess being a big fat blob for so long it will never feel any different.
However I cannot say it is not nice when I do hear it from someone!

The third person I met was only a last minute thing, someone cancelled on me and there was a guy I was talking to who lived close to me so I asked if he fancied going for a drive. He had said to me he was after nothing, so I thought why not!
I went and picked him and and we decided to go to the local services for a drink and I hadn’t shut up from the moment I picked him up!
When we got out of the car, something came to my mind so I said to him are you gay or bi, I have no idea why this even came to me, but he said yeah bi, I thought it was on my profile? I said I didn’t notice, which I hadn’t.
We sat there drinking and chatting for quite a while and we spoke about everything, nothing was off limits! And I was actually sad when I had to take him home. Next day I asked if he wanted to come for cuddles and a film and he said he would after work, this was all I wanted as I wasn’t sure how I felt about him being bisexual, so he turned up after work and I put a film on, but had to pause it as again we didn’t stop talking! A few hours later I said shall we go up to bed as my brother will be back soon and I knew he didn’t want to meet anyone yet, so we went upstairs and had a cuddle, movie on pause again and I looked up at him and I could see in his eyes he was desperate to kiss me! So I did.
Wow it was amazing and we did that for quite a while things progressed and stuff happens, but we didn’t have sex.

Yeah defo!! <3

I had an amazing night, but on the way home I said to him, I really really don’t think you are actually in to women, and I explained my reasons for coming to this conclusion to him and he said to me he had never thought about it like that, but when I pointed it out to him it made perfect sense and he really needed to have a think about what he actually wanted!
The next day he told me he had come off all the dating apps as he needed to figure out what was going on and again he thanked me for making him look at things. He had never been in a relationship with a man, and he had been in a 17 month on off relationship with a girl.
But something just felt right with this guy, we have connected on such a level and we think each other are amazing, but we know thats it, we know we have a friendship for life and we will be very close! But then later that evening he messaged me and wasn’t quite sure how to put it, but the on/off ex had messaged him to tell him a one night stand she had told her he had chlamydia, she had told him there was no one else and they didn’t need to use condoms he was distraught in having to tell me and for himself, in finding out she had lied to him! But after my reaction he said I don’t even know why I worried as I forgot you are frigging awesome! So I said I would go to the clinic in the morning and did he want to come with, so he did and I told him to get everything done, including bloods. The chances of anything for me are extremely slim, I’m not worried we hardly touched. But I prefer being smart about sexual health!

So then we started our road trip to Swansea, normally I have to have the radio on loud, but yet again, talking was just too much, didn’t even listen to one song and we spoke the whole way there and back, I have no idea what we have left to talk about, but it seems like we have everything and nothing all at once and we just seem to make total sense with each other.

These words have so much meaning to me!

If I could bend him poker straight he would be my ideal guy. I abso-fucking-lutely love him!

He makes me so happy!

Valentines day is ours!

Oh I have also found one of the beautiful boys from butlins on one of these apps! AND he replied to my message!! :D

Soon

H x

Got Mmmmmmmmilk?

On the 10th I have an appointment at Morriston with the psychologist.

I need it

I’ve been losing control so badly. I have no idea what is wrong with me, but I still have huge issues with food.
I knew surgery would never fix them, but I was hoping they would control them and it hasn’t.
No, I can’t eat huge amounts of food, but it is still so damn easy to eat junk food and dumping isn’t really that much of a deterrant if I’m honest.

It’s funny because before surgery I would be like how can they have gone through all that to change their lives then carry on eating and gain weight. But unless you have complete control it can still be something that so easily happens.

But my issues arnt just the food I eat, it’s how I actually deal with it! I think I’m actually quite crazy.
I can go out and buy something, say crisps and chocolate and instead of being like a “normal” person and putting them in the cupboard and enjoying them over a week or two, I start to panic!
Oh god it’s in the house I must eat it all at once, so it’s not here tomorrow! Tomorrow I don’t want to eat it, so lets have it all now and then tomorrow is a new day and I wont do it again, but inevitably I do the same thing tomorrow!
I cannot control how I behave around food. Something doesn’t work correctly somewhere.

So I emailed Nia and asked if it was still possible to see her, to which she said she would pass my email on and I would get an appointment!
So happy about that, maybe it will help, maybe it wont, but it would be nice to know why I’m doing this, apart from the obvious it tastes nice and the time!

I was avoiding the scales and last week I got on them and I have put on two stone since my lowest, for a day! weight 28lbs and that day I didn’t know what to do, so I decided I wasn’t going to eat from there on out until I could control myself!
So from that moment all I have had was milky coffee with unflavoured protien in it and some vimto and chewing gum!
It’s mental fucking torture! But if I’m not putting food in my mouth then I am not putting the wrong food in.
I know it’s stupid and I know it’s not the right way to go about it, but it’s all I can do right now. I think I am on day seven or eight now and to be honest with you I am actually petrified of eating again.
I am scared to death. I don’t know what I am going to do. I don’t know when to eat again or what I should eat. I know if I eat I wont make the right choices.
FFS why did it have to be food that was my addiction. I can honestly say I wish it was cocaine or alcohol and while I know that is an awful thing to say, you can go completely without them and never have to go near them again, but we all know that isnt possible with food!

FUCK FOOD!

I was also going to be taking a break from, now lets use this term very losely “dating” but I have in fact gone the opposite way and have met so many people! Sometimes two people a night! Not for sex I might just add before some of you think I’m doing that with two different guys a night!!! Although maybe it would take my mind off food! Maybe that’s where I’m going wrong!
I absolutely do love meeting new people though. It is fun, thats for sure.

There was something else I needed to update here, but for the life of me I cannot think of what it was right now.
The lack of food in my brain and the fact that all I can think of is I have to go to Asda right now to get more milk! :D

Maybe I’ll be back soon if I remember what it was!

Soon ish

H x

Quandary!

I’m in a bit of a pickle!

I am so so so so bored!

I think I’ve said this before, but knowing what to do is very hard.
I desperately want a job, to make my own money, to meet new people, to enjoy getting up every day and having something to do!
But!
I have worked out if I do that, I will be so much worse off!
So what do I do?
I really want to be a Health Care Assistant, but it is extremely hard to get into that line of worked. I have done so much research and I either have to be really lucky in finding a position that would even take me on to begin with as I have no experience and haven’t worked in such a long time or get another job at the NHS and apply internally for it, which seems so unlikely as why would they employ me?!

Another option I have is to go and work for my mum at Sainsburys, it’s a guaranteed job, very, very easy work, I will be finished by 10:00 am, but the wage is awful and do I really want to go to work everyday to a job I’m not bothered about for less money than I’m going to get if I just stay at home and be incredibly bored, slowly going insane and want to cry!?
Is there really any point in that at all?
Yes, I’ll be doing something and feel good about earning my own, which I haven’t done since I got married! So is that in itself worth it?
I just don’t know?

This is what I need!

My last option is to become a carer, which is sort of a similar thing to the HCA, just going to homes, I think that bit scares me. I’ll have a car and it will be extremely hard work, and it does feel like my better option, but I will admit the idea of changing my life so much is petrifying, but I know I also want to and have to do it!
I just don’t know how!
Or do I just wait until they force me to do it?! It is so hard to make a decision!
I really don’t want to be doing nothing for much longer, I seriously cannot take it!
Some people think its a great idea, but until you are doing it and your brain has turned to mush and you can’t earn any extra money they really have no idea how utterly depressing it is not to work. Not even including the bad way I got myself into this situation.
Being obese is not fun!
Some days I regret every single moment from the second I met my ex husband, oh how my life would have been different if it wasn’t for that, or if we had made different decisions together. While I realise I made my own choices, he was a big influence in how shitty everything has turned out!

How do I make a decision!?

I adore Rachel! Though I think she is talking about me!

I want to feel better about myself and I really think this is the next step for me, but it feels freaking huge right now! Like a leap I just might not make! and fall flat on my face!!

Sometimes I shouldn’t be allowed to make my own decisions! I’m not responsible enough!

I also think I’m so done with the whole “dating” thing for a bit!
It’s too hard.

I love talking to people! I love getting to know someone, as I’ve said before I’m a very open person and I don’t keep much a secret, but I think I let people in too quickly!

I can have a connection with someone I’ve met online. Some people don’t understand it, but there are some who are that little bit more special to you, you smile when you hear from them, they make you happy, you let them in and then…
…then they hurt you!

I had, or what I thought I had, was an amazing friend. We got on so well, he was great, we clicked immediately, we messaged, spoke on the phone, facetimed and made plans to meet. I was so excited! Then something went wrong and its all gone now!
Tones of messages can not be conveyed in text and sometimes we would both take things the wrong way, but we would manage to sort it out, but something happened this week and things were said and we decided it was all just too hard.
Distance was a huge issue, if we hadn’t been so far apart it would have been different. But distance requires effort and he was a busy person. He also thinks my last message was sent to hurt him and it really wasn’t I was ill and upset, my words were not nasty, just questioning. I didn’t want the world, just wanted to feel like I mattered and he couldn’t do that anymore for whatever reason!
Part of me thinks it was because I gave him my blog address! I really need to stop giving that out to people! I’ve done it alot this week and people can be very judgey!
But as I’ve said before, if I don’t tell people I feel like I’m keeping a huge secret, even though it’s not, it’s no body elses business. I am what I am and I’ve done what I’ve done to be the person I am today.
I’m a good person and so much more than my past. I am fun and happy to be around. I’m not a demanding person by far! I’m quite easy going, I just like to talk alot!

This is what I need!

Oh well there is nothing I can do about it now. It would have been nice to have met, but there will be another one day. I just don’t know when and feel like I need a break from being hurt.
Maybe I was never meant to split from my ex husband, maybe I was meant to eat myself to death and now I’m going to be alone forever!

It certainly feels like that these days.

I really need to make some decisions very soon! I will have less time to wonder about people who shouldn’t matter in my life and it will finally have some meaning!
How I feel about myself right now is actually quite pathetic!

Soon

H x

To Eat?!

It’s so hard!

All day choices for food!

What do I eat?

I don’t know!

How can it be so difficult and painful. I have no clue. I know what I should eat and I know what I want to eat, but very rarely are they the same!

So I force myself to cook something that is more in line with what I should have and usually a portion is always too much, so I am inevitably left  with.. leftovers!

Yesterday I made something called “Poorly Cooked Eggs” it was quite tasty, but I didn’t have any asparagus so had it with red onion and Quorn chorizo intead. I actually had it for two meals and had to throw some away in the end as it was too much for me, so I AM trying with the left over thing!

This wasn’t my one, but this is how the original looked.

I also read about this sprout concoction and have just given this a go, I’m not particularly fond of them and don’t usually eat them, but I need to get more veg in me, so I just cooked it and it was surprisingly nice!

Don’t know how often I would make it, but I will have it again to use up my bag of sprouts!

 

God knows what to eat later, maybe my favourite omelette, which is made with dollops of this amazing stuff.  I love that Clare got me to try it, it is seriously amazing when you cut into the gooey cheese!

For a long time my dad has been having issues with extra phlegm and is constantly wheezing its very irratating for him, especially when trying to sleep at night. He even had one incident where he woke up choking on it in the middle of the night, it had gone down his windpipe, scared both him and my brother half to death.
He’s been back and forth to doctors and hospital, taken antibiotics for it, but nothing seems to help.
So last week he asked me to take him to the hospital in the morning as he is having a camera and needs to be sedated for it.
I thought nothing of it. Then I asked him what it’s for assuming it was just about the excess fluid and he said they are putting the camera into his lung. I was cooking food and he just said they said I have small shadow on my lung.

What?!

What?!

You’re telling me now!

Just what we need.

That is how my grandmother, his mother died three years ago.

We don’t need this shit!

Staying calm.

But panic is going to set in soon!

Please let it be nothing.

Soon

H x

If only this was true!

Being controlled..

..by food, again.

God it is tough. I have been on an emotional low for a few weeks. I had to go stay at my uncles in Coventry for about a week while he had a right hemi colonectomy for cancer.
It was such a huge emotional toll on me. Not necessarily for the fact of the cancer, but just because I was being relied on so much.
I was responsible for nothing four years ago. Absolutely nothing. My only job was to get myself to the toilet every day!
Now I was living in a city I didn’t know, with my uncle’s wife who I didn’t know and their four-year old son who I didn’t know. I would have had a total melt down four years ago, and while I was close to that now, I couldn’t let it happen.

Especially when that person was YOU!

I had to get Jo-an back and forth to the hospital as she can’t drive, has no family living here, is from the Philippines and they had no one to look after their son while she was at the hospital. So I felt every damn bit of pressure, completely on me. It was hard to say the least. It wasn’t the most straight forward of weeks at all and I felt like I had no one to lean on or help me. I did spend a day crying as I didn’t know what I was doing.

But I made it though! Me the girl who led on her floor crying because I couldn’t put electricity in the meter. Three people relied on me and I got us through it and did a pretty good job of it.

You did good Hayley. Be proud of that!

Its been about two weeks now and I am back home, my uncle is getting better, though we still don’t know if he needs chemotherapy, but should know by the end of this week.

Christmas was pretty shitty!

It was the first one I had alone, while last year I was technically alone, I was still with Matthew, so I didn’t feel completely alone. This was my first holiday alone in twenty years and I felt it.
No one understands how I feel as no one is in my situation, but as usual I carry on as if I don’t care and nothing bothers me, but it does.

Went into the New Year asleep. Couldn’t even be bothered with it.

So now I feel like I want to change. Some how I need to get a job I like this year. One that will keep my mind happy and my hands full so I don’t eat food.
I am fed up of being bored. I am fed up of having nothing to do. I would love to some how have a job that related to surgery but that would never happen over here like it can do for some in America.
Being a Health Care Assistant, would be something I would love, but again, getting into that seems almost impossible and I really don’t want to start out working in something I hate and regret doing it.

So I really need to have a long hard think about what to do and start making changes so I can do it.

I need to quit with the bad food choices too. It makes me feel so ill and I don’t enjoy anything then.
I wish surgery coud have affected the brain too, but sadly it doesn’t. It is and always will be a constant struggle and as long as I know this and vow to always be aware of what I’m doing I shouldn’t put weight back on.
I have accepted that I will not get any smaller without surgery to remove my excess skin and this upsets me, but I really can’t do anything to change that.

I was 448lbs. I have excess skin. Most people are around 300lb with this surgery. I was not. I have all that extra to deal with. I have to accept it.
I did it to myself, that is the price for being so morbidly obese.
I can do so much more I have to be thankful for that and focus on getting a job and getting surgery to remove the skin.
Those are my two main goals for 2016.

I probably need to track food again. Going to stay under 50/60g of carbs a day, but I must track to take accountability and I need to post more.
I notice I am MIA from here when I am doing badly.
Must force myself everyday! Wish there were more people to encourage! Say hi if you’re reading and are not shy! I know there are quite a few of you!
Where in your journey are you? Or are you just reading? Hoping never to get as big as I did and doing it the traditional way?
Would love to hear from more people!

Either way I hope you had a good holiday period and you get all your goals/wishes for 2016 if you set any!

Soon!

H x

Back…?

Possibly!

I have been gone for a little while and had the blog hidden for reasons I can’t even remember.

But I have been so busy lately I haven’t had time to come and do anything about it, but hopefully I’m back.

Although I have no idea what to do anymore.

I do believe Mr Barry was right, as much as I hate to admit it, I cannot get below 17 and a half stone.

No matter what I do.

So I’ve just kind of given up the last few weeks and as I was away last weekend, I didn’t even care!

We finally went on our holiday that we have wanted since about May. We booked it when I was seeing the Psycho, but my mother came with us instead and even though I’m not a fan of 80s music we had the most amazing weekend!

I loved every damn moment of it. I met some amazing people, had some amazing times and I am going back in March for a 90s weekend!

It cannot come soon enough.

I walked and danced my feet off all weekend, I hardly sat down, I did over 20,000 steps every day and by Sunday night they were on fire! Haha

I wish it was last Friday so I could do it all again, but sadly its not.

All the people I met, would not believe I was 39, I loved all of them, the Brummies (oh how I miss you!) the Bristol boy, Pete and Neil and Stef! Ugh being home sucks!

But pictures make me happy!

Soon I hope!

H x

I was on my way to the gym one day last week.

It was cold outside, cloudy and windy. As I was driving down Llantarnam Road I noticed how the orange leaves were blowing off the trees, they were falling down and slowly drifing sideways into the road. It looked so pretty and in that moment I was overwhelmed. I started crying and I couldn’t stop.

I was thinking about all the time I was sat in my bed, wishing I was outside, feeling the cold and the rain on my face. Getting rosy cheeks from the bitterness, being wrapped up in a hat, scarf, gloves and coat. Wearing wellies and enjoying this time of year. How I wanted that and missed it so much.

And here I was, able to do that now, I’m out living my life, doing whatever I want, going wherever I want, no one to tell me no, no one to answer to. I am just free to be me and enjoying everything I couldn’t before.

I felt awful and wonderful all at once. So sad that I had wasted so much of my life being controlled by that fat.

Being so much less than human.

Not living.

It feels wonderful to be the opposite of that now. To feel everything and not care about what anyone else thinks, because they don’t matter. I don’t have to lock myself away in my bedroom because I am ashamed to let people see me.

They can see me and all my excess skin and I just don’t care, because I can go stand under the leaves, falling, in my hat and scarf and gloves and enjoy every single second of it.

And it is fucking amazing!

I lasted about two months on keto.

The weight hardly moved and while I loved how it made me feel, hormones got the better of me! I had a bread roll with my Harvester salad on the Wednesday that I went to my year check up. On the Friday me and Clare met up and oh boy, was that a slippery descent into carb hell! We should not have been allowed to be together when we were both hormonal, eaten small amounts of carbs (she ate mince pies!!!!) and went to Cardiff where there was beautiful onion rings and Jalapeno jelly!! Wow, it was not a good combination, but we enjoyed it! lol

I am just eating more normally now, yet somehow I woke up this morning at 17st 4lbs. My body does not make sense to anyone. Not even to itself! I’ll just stay low carb, but not crazy low carby keto! I want to enjoy myself too.

As of today I am back on the morphine. Hoping this wont affect the weight though. Time will tell. I must remember to take my macrogol with this though! I really don’t want to end up like I did in hospital! Never ever ever again do I want that!

So I have 23 days until I am 39 and I have now officially hit old!
My whole family wears glasses, all my siblings have worn them from when they were young children. Both parents have had them when they got older.
The weirdest thing happened to me on the weekend! I went to bed completely fine on Saturday night. I could see perfectly had no problem whatsoever! I wake up Sunday and notice my vision is blurry. Close up is fine, I can message people on my phone, but looking at something across the room is odd. Something is wrong
As the day goes on I figure out its my left eye. Everything is going through my mind and I’m starting to panic a bit. Hoping going to sleep will help and it doesn’t, so I get an appointment for opticians and explain whats happened.

Turns out… over night I have become short-sighted! Like what the hell?! How did that even happen.
They think it might have been going on a while and I just didn’t notice. I guess with having to focus more when driving my eye just gave up!

My right is 0.25 and my left is 1.00 so there is a bit of a difference. I hate being odd so this is making me crazy.

I chose two pairs of glasses I looked like an idiot in all of them. I don’t even wear sunglasses I think I look so stupid! I have only worn them since I started driving as I really have no choice, so now I have to wear them for driving and watching tv it kind of sucks. I really don’t like having anything on my face!
I have a trial of contacts, but its a bit hard, I will persevere though. A family friend asked if I could see better now, I said no! I see just the same as I did Saturday night, just £150 poorer now!

I am not happy!

Look how stupid I look!

Stupid! Stuipd! Stupid!

Soon

H x