Tag Archives: postop

Emotions Everywhere and I’m Starting to Care!

5 Jun

So so much has happened since I last posted. It’s been surreal.

So I started work the following morning, it was damn hard but I enjoyed it, the things I saw were heartbreaking and very emotional. I watched as Rosie did everything and helped when I could. The next day was my turn to do everything, by our second call I thought I was dying, this lady I was with, was 47, two years ago, she had a tumor removed in her pituitary gland, that night she had a stroke. Her left arm is stuck at a 90 degree angle and her legs are massive with cellulitis and are rock hard, it’s such a sad thing, but after dealing with all that, I was dying! From that moment on I was on a downward spiral all day, I knew it wasn’t going to be a good day. By the time we got to a call, where I could see the woman didn’t have more than 24h to live, which broke my heart as it reminded me of my nan. I knew I couldn’t carry on, I was sick and dizzy and just not well at all! So I told Rosie I had to go home.
6093a188adddb804794445bb261bf32dI thought about what I was going to do, I knew with all my issues and now with my random sickness I get, I was confused. I really wanted this job, I was desperate for it, but could I actually physically do it?
I waited for my references to come through, and spoke to them about my concerns and they told me that they were going to ease me into it as I hadn’t worked for twenty years, so that made me feel better. I did however have my worries the whole time, but this was something I really wanted to do, so I pushed them aside.Then I got my start date!

I was so excited! They started me off with a lot of breaks in between calls. So I thought I would be okay. Oh how I wrong I was. By the time I had my long break I knew I was in trouble. I rang the office and said I was worried again, but I’d make an appointment with my doctor for the afternoon and speak to them and see what they said. She told me not to do anything as it was my first day, but I was worried, I knew how much pain I was in, she didn’t.
I went to my doctor told her what was happening and she said Hayley, you cannot control your pain when you’re doing nothing?! And you want to do a physical job..  It’s not going to get better, it’s going to get worse.

I knew she was right, so I went home and made the phone call to them to say I couldn’t do it and I was distraught. I got home and sobbed and sobbed, I was gutted. I then sent one of the girls in the office a message saying how sorry I was etc etc. And she said to me they had been talking and thought what about if I just did sits. And I thought about it and said yeah I could do that, it’s easy, you sit with someone while their family member goes and does what they need to, mini respite for a few hours. How hard could that be!?

marcel-pariseau-quote-she-cant-deal-with-it-any-moreIt started off okay, then slowly they were putting more on me, there was a couple I was looking after on the weekends, who had dementia, they both had different types. And boy was it hard.
I don’t need to go over all the hard stuff that happened, but the day I realised that I couldn’t do it, was a Sunday I was at this couples house, and I fell asleep at the kitchen table, it was only nodding off, but I knew something wasn’t right, that’s not what I do, I started to be sick, so after a while, I rang and asked if I could go home early, and they told me there was no way I could leave, so I left it a bit longer and then sent a text message to their daughter and asked if I could leave and hour early, she told me she would be down right away.

So I left early and went home and I slept til the Tuesday, turned out I had tonsillitis again for the third time in three months! I was completely wiped out for two whole weeks again. I was so unwell. But that Sunday that I left their home, I knew I couldn’t do this job, if I couldn’t go home to be ill when I needed to, then I couldn’t do the job! It was just killing me.

I was distraught. But what could I do?

So now I’ve learnt my lesson I am not ready for work yet. So I’m going to wait until they force me to go and they can find me a job that I am able to do!


So of course all this sent me into a downward spiral, I thought I was ready, I thought I was picking my life back up, albeit twenty years later, with arthritis in both hips and my spine and having gone through weight loss service, my stomach and intestines removed, divorced to the husband I thought I would always be with and our twenty year anniversary being in April, I wasn’t coping well at all.cognitive-behavior-therapy-for-depression-in-older-adultsnorthrop-29-728

My food took a hit. I was just eating junk, no real food going in me and I didn’t care. I was starving myself again nutritionally, filling my face with junk like I did when I was 32 stone.

People think it’s easy. Stop eating lose weight. They have no idea it’s a mental issue, not a greed thing. No one can understand unless you have ever been obese. And even then, no one else has any idea of what is going on with you and how you got to be the size you did. There are usually stories for the reasons people gain huge amounts of weight and usually it is not down to just greed alone.  It is so much more complex than that.

6c850e64994c356a69b9dcabb060ddd4But people judge. And boy do they judge obesity. I think I have said it before, but I think the reason get so angry and annoyed at obesity is because it can happen to them, so easily, just one thing changing in their lives can send them into the same spiral that I found myself in twenty years ago. It’s so easy for it to happen. 1lb 7lbs 20lbs it’s so easy to creep up  because of one thing that happens in your life, or it could be a huge life changing thing that happens.  We just don’t know the future and what could happen.
And I think that is why people judge so harshly with obesity. 

So I got to a point where I was starting to feel my clothes getting tighter, I was ignoring it. I didn’t care I wanted junk and only junk! But I knew I was screwing myself over, how could I carry on with what I was doing! I’m going to ruin everything.

So last week I closed my eyes and stepped in the scales! I wanted to hurt myself so much! From my lowest, I was only there for a day, but two and a half stone back on!

Wtf wtf wtf!

Ugh guess what today is the start of.

Pouch reset time.

So the last time I did this, I went almost four weeks without eating I was so petrified of eating again, I couldn’t make myself eat not matter what I did. Even seeing the psychologist didn’t help. The only thing that made me eat again was getting tonsillitis, I think that was my body saying hey missy, eat or I’m going to give you and illness you have never had in your life before because your immune system is so low right now!

Yeah that made me eat again!

And God did I eat again! That was the start of me not stopping which was just intensified when I realised I couldn’t work!

So I started with the five day pouch test and oh dear it started again! I got scared of eating, only kept it kind of under control, day five I managed to force myself to eat a cheese omelette in the evening and today I have made food.  Good real food that my body needs, not junk, I think I needed that to make me think about the fact I actually needed protein and vegetables and all things a good healthy vegetarian needs!

How long it will last is anyone’s guess, but here I am trying and writing on my blog again. It’s always good to write here, I know I’m doing okay when I’m back.

So here I am eating good food, writing and hoping to continue on the good path, though this time next week I shall be on a 90s weekend in Butlins, so I might be on a very strict time limit! Ha

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Soon, with luck!

H x



Work work work! 

1 Apr

So I woke up this morning heart racing, mind going crazy back in half, sciatica making me cry out in pain and I was petrified.
I knew that this was my last morning of waking up as normal.
Tomorrow when I do the exact same thing, I know my whole world is about to change.
To say I am scared is an understatement of epic proportions.
The last time I worked was in April 1996 and I was responsible for pressing ties! Yep those things you wear around your neck to go to your job where you probably sit at a desk, or for funerals, or interviews, usually guys, but hey girls wear them too!

f91cc77e8414cf2976b37f537ae98c18Tomorrow when I wake up and get myself ready and out to my car and drive to where I need to go, I am going to be responsible for humans! Real live people!
My life is about to change beyond all possible recognition.
Anxiety is all I feel right now, I have not felt comfortable since the moment I woke up, of course the pain doesn’t help and I’m thinking how on earth am I meant to look after other people when I’m in this much pain myself!
But in the same breath I also know I don’t want my life to carry on like it is.
I want to do something and I think I get on with people quite well and can take care of them, so in a way it does suit me.
I just hope I come back tomorrow and absolutely love what I have done but also shattered and want my bed! Lol
I’m not going to let my self disbeliefs take me down and stop me doing this.
I AM getting up at half five in the morning, and I WILL get ready for work and I SHALL go meet Rosie and start my work and help the faceless Mary! She is my first call as a support worker/carer! Me? A support worker and carer?!
This is surreal!
This is something I have to do or I am going to end up back at 32 stone again and I don’t want that.
Since being so so ill with the tonsillitis, I’ve eaten like a bitch and I’m not eating correctly now, I’m not getting any proteins or fibre in, my hair and nails are horrific and without even weighing I know I have put on weight and I have the nutritionist on Tuesday! So that’s another thing making me anxious.
So it’s all hopefully going to come together.
I will love my work and I will get control of my weight again, it’s like I’m not able to have a happy medium I either its everything or nothing at all, so with something else to focus on, hopefully everything will get back under control again and I will be OK.
I would definitely like another session with the psychologist again to discuss some things, I know where I’m going wrong, but sometimes it’s nice to have that objective person who wants to see you succeed for no other reason, than she’s being paid to! Lol
So yeah today everything is completely up in the air for me.

a_new_chapter-116151A whole twenty year absolutely appalling bad chapter of my life is coming to an end today and while I want more than anything for it to be gone, it’s also my comfort blanket and I am holding onto it for dear life while also wanting to let it blow off into the wind! And drown in the fucking ocean with the rest of all my bad shit!
It’s such a confusing, scary, anxious, exciting time for me and only tomorrow will I know how I feel.
Once I’ve made that initial getting out there and meeting Rosie I’m pretty sure I will be OK, it’s just that huge giant first leap for me, I’m scared I’m going to fall down into the abyss and no one will hear me scream!
That is the point of the abyss Hayley!

So a few hours have passed since I wrote that earlier sat in Costa with Latte in hand! I’m now at home and in twelve, yes twelve small hours, I’m going to be getting ready and scared senseless! When I got home I had a letter from Morriston asking me to go see the psychologist on Wednesday weirdly! So strange how I had said I wanted to see her earlier today and then it just appears, but I did have to ring up and change it, I can’t do that day as I’m in work til 15:00 and that’s half an hour later, so not feasible at all.

I don’t know how I feel right now, I’m numb and just want it to be this time tomorrow so I know what it was like.
I’m trying to put into words how I feel, but none of what I have written even comes close.
I spoke to my friend this morning and I get this!

Omg tell me I’m doing the right thing! I’m petrified Dan, fucking petrified
It’s a job which is much better than sitting at home everyday!
Thank you! Just what I needed!

f25e00aa39404dd4c885fe3131128a02He’s always a twat to me, but he tells me how it is.
Driving him home Sunday morning I wasn’t sure what we were talking about, but he kept telling me all things come to and end, so I say to him, you’re actually admitting its a good thing then? Because he hates letting me know he needs/wants me and he’s like but all things come to an end! So I ask, do you want this to end then, is that what you’re saying and he says no, that’s not what I’m saying.
He’s awful to me, but I’m addicted to him, so it’s shit!But with this new chapter in my life, I wont think about him as much and he will realise!

Oddly, if you have been following my blog from the start, you remember the guy I was with four years ago, he inexplicably added my sister on Facebook this week, then when she asked why, he said he had moved on etc but wondered how we all were, now this guy is in a relationship, he didn’t even like my sister when we were together and now adding her on Facebook… and he’s moved on?! By definition, that is NOT moving on.
Even if he wanted nothing to do with me, just the mere fact of adding her meant he thought of me.
Very very odd indeed.
Younger guys confuse me, yet I don’t want someone my own age!
I’m in a lonely pickle! lol

Here is to all the new chapters, and to the next one that is changing my life for the better.
To being  from the person I was three years ago.

Thank you Roux-en-Y


A very scared, anxious and tired H x



11 Feb

Well today was the day!
I got out and wasn’t sectioned! hahah

So I took a road trip today, another two hospital road trip with a guy who I have known for four days. More on him later!

Get to Morriston and go in and see Michelle and I explain to her my whole issue with hoarding and eating food, then I come on to my latest problem!
I haven’t eaten for 17 or 18 days now with the exception of Milk, protein powder, gum and now… wait for it!
Yes those crunchy big biscuits for babies! How they hell they got into this no eating thing, I have no idea, but there we have it. Farleys Rusks, Hayleys food of choice!
After spending a very long hour, in which we discussed an awful lot including my marriage which made me cry when I realised how awful I had been to my ex husband, I had known this for a while, but speaking out loud, saying to someone that I would call him downstairs to get me another can of Pepsi Max from the kitchen which was probably twenty steps away, really upset me, if I had stayed being this me, the one who I was when we met, the one who I am again now after surgery, where could we have been, what could have happened to our lives if I had been normal! Who does that kind of thing. It was so selfish, everything was my way, he got a say in nothing and he always went along with it, no question because he loved me.
I think the relationship he is in now, might actually be the other way around and he is the more dominant one. I wish I had let us be equal and didn’t expect him to go out to work and provide for me and me do nothing, then when he came home, expected him to do everything else for me!
And I can’t even tell him how sorry I am.ab69b3f0b346ebfb002eccb61b2877a9
I’m not sure which is harder to deal with, knowing I destroyed our relationship and THEN ended it or not being able to say sorry for being the person I was and while being in control of him, I was in no way in control of myself!

It’s very hard to take now. But I have to move on.

So I’m thinking I have an issue with eating and she seems to think it’s not eating I have a problem with, I have gone weeks without eating proper food, I have gone up and down the sweet/crisp aisle dozens of times and I have not been affected by any of it, I do not want it. Which is always the case, even when I’m buying it, I stand there and wonder, what do I want, nothing in particular and also everything I can see, so I look and look and finally settle on something I think I might want!
quote-Jim-Evans-another-way-to-lose-control-is-to-83304So then I take that home and I feel the need to eat it all at once, or give it to my brother, because firstly there is guilt there because I bought it and secondly I didn’t want it anyway so I need to find a way to get it out of my house and the most obvious answer is to eat the damn stuff as fast as possible!
My problem is actually a fear of losing control of shopping.

How weird, yet it makes absolute sense.
I can go shopping and buy food and eat it perfectly fine when I am buying the right food for me, but I am actually petrified of being in the supermarket and losing control and buying the stuff I don’t actually want, then the whole cycle begins! Because that is the point I lose control, I can’t lose control when I’m sat at home thinking about it, as there is nothing in my house I can eat that will make me feel like that.
Food isn’t my problem (not in this case! clearly it has been!) but I am scared of losing control shopping!
So we came up with some ideas for me to counteract it and be back in control.
And I feel a whole lot better about the situation.
I may not be perfect straight away, but I will get there again and it’s made me feel so so so much better knowing I am not losing control of eating, I’m not eating so how can I be, I didn’t realise I actually have that under control! It’s a fear of shopping and losing control while I am there and there are so many ways I can prevent that now I feel alot better about the whole situation!
It’s funny as I wasn’t really expecting her to be able to help me that much and yet she really has. I guess these people have this job for a reason!


Much more like it!

Last week I think I met three people three nights running and every single one of them told me I look so much prettier in real life than on my photos! It is still so hard for me to accept! I find it hard enough when people tell me I look pretty on my pics, i’m like wtf they looking at?! But then to be told it to my face is unreal and I still feel uncomfortable with it. I guess being a big fat blob for so long it will never feel any different.
However I cannot say it is not nice when I do hear it from someone!

The third person I met was only a last minute thing, someone cancelled on me and there was a guy I was talking to who lived close to me so I asked if he fancied going for a drive. He had said to me he was after nothing, so I thought why not!
I went and picked him and and we decided to go to the local services for a drink and I hadn’t shut up from the moment I picked him up!
When we got out of the car, something came to my mind so I said to him are you gay or bi, I have no idea why this even came to me, but he said yeah bi, I thought it was on my profile? I said I didn’t notice, which I hadn’t.
We sat there drinking and chatting for quite a while and we spoke about everything, nothing was off limits! And I was actually sad when I had to take him home. Next day I asked if he wanted to come for cuddles and a film and he said he would after work, this was all I wanted as I wasn’t sure how I felt about him being bisexual, so he turned up after work and I put a film on, but had to pause it as again we didn’t stop talking! A few hours later I said shall we go up to bed as my brother will be back soon and I knew he didn’t want to meet anyone yet, so we went upstairs and had a cuddle, movie on pause again and I looked up at him and I could see in his eyes he was desperate to kiss me! So I did.
Wow it was amazing and we did that for quite a while things progressed and stuff happens, but we didn’t have sex.


Yeah defo!! <3

I had an amazing night, but on the way home I said to him, I really really don’t think you are actually in to women, and I explained my reasons for coming to this conclusion to him and he said to me he had never thought about it like that, but when I pointed it out to him it made perfect sense and he really needed to have a think about what he actually wanted!
The next day he told me he had come off all the dating apps as he needed to figure out what was going on and again he thanked me for making him look at things. He had never been in a relationship with a man, and he had been in a 17 month on off relationship with a girl.
But something just felt right with this guy, we have connected on such a level and we think each other are amazing, but we know thats it, we know we have a friendship for life and we will be very close! But then later that evening he messaged me and wasn’t quite sure how to put it, but the on/off ex had messaged him to tell him a one night stand she had told her he had chlamydia, she had told him there was no one else and they didn’t need to use condoms he was distraught in having to tell me and for himself, in finding out she had lied to him! But after my reaction he said I don’t even know why I worried as I forgot you are frigging awesome! So I said I would go to the clinic in the morning and did he want to come with, so he did and I told him to get everything done, including bloods. The chances of anything for me are extremely slim, I’m not worried we hardly touched. But I prefer being smart about sexual health!

So then we started our road trip to Swansea, normally I have to have the radio on loud, but yet again, talking was just too much, didn’t even listen to one song and we spoke the whole way there and back, I have no idea what we have left to talk about, but it seems like we have everything and nothing all at once and we just seem to make total sense with each other.

These words have so much meaning to me!

These words have so much meaning to me!

If I could bend him poker straight he would be my ideal guy. I abso-fucking-lutely love him!

He makes me so happy!

Valentines day is ours!

Oh I have also found one of the beautiful boys from butlins on one of these apps! AND he replied to my message!! :D


H x


10 Sep


A whole frigging year!

Roux-En-Y September 10 2014

I can’t believe that’s over. This time last year I was unaware of what was happening to my body. Completely unconscious and NOT prepared for that pain, or the eight day stay in hospital!

But it was totally worth it.

Two pounds, two damn pounds off 200lbs in total. And so happy.

At my heaviest I weighed 203kg/448, 165kg/363/lbs before I started pre op and 155kg/341lbs the day before surgery. I am now 113kg/250lbs. I would have liked more after surgery. But in total it is alot to lose. It’s a large man to lose I guess. Who needs one of them strapped to their body all day?

Oh wait :D

I am not where I want to be. And who knows if I ever will be. But I am a completely different person as I have said many times. My life is unrecognisable from when I first started this blog. I didn’t leave the house for over three years, and alot of that time I didn’t even leave my bedroom. I was someone I didn’t recognise, that wasn’t who I was when I was younger, I was being suffocated in more ways than one by the fat that surrounded me.

82ea2429e80bf8d49b9276aecaa43ca7I will never be a slim person, I let myself get too big before doing something about it, there is too much excess skin and fat that’s just never going to move on my body, but I can be happy and healthier than I have been in the last twenty years and for that I am ever so grateful to my surgery.

It’s been a huge rollercoaster of emotions and feelings and thoughts. I’ve met some wonderful and not so wonderful people along the way and I am so glad I have these people in my life now. Without surgery they wouldn’t be here and they have turned out to be some of my closest friends now.

One in particular I probably wouldn’t have got through the year without her. She has been my rock.. sometimes a rock that hits me in the head, but a rock none the less and I love her to pieces. And without surgery and this blog she wouldn’t be a part of my life right now. So if nothing else had come out of all this at least I have that. But it did, so she is just a bonus! lol

So now I guess we need some pics!


H x

To date or not to date!

17 Aug

That is most definitely the question right now!

I’ve never been one to date. Always been in relationships and my last two just happened without any effort from me, but I don’t think I can be bothered with relationships anymore. So.Much.Hassle.

So what to do?


Right now I have some options too! It’s been really quite fun. I’m going to become all American and go on multiple dates in a week and have no one special.

eedde1981de652301b916437c8d29501I am getting to know three people right now and it’s keeping me happy. I haven’t actually gone out with any of them yet. But they all live close to me this time! No more long distance like my last three.

I’m probably not in a place where I should be looking still, but it’s nice to have someone who makes you smile when they message you. I miss having that, so screw it is what I say right now. I’m not hurting anyone but potentially myself!

e9dcf74980da9246d551a29b95a166c7One is 40 so closer to my age and the others are 25 and 27. It’s funny how the younger men are always much more fun! Makes me sad.

It’s very daunting though. When do you decide the time is right to meet. And I still have this problem of wanting to tell people about what I’ve had done. That’s not an issue for me, as you know I’m quite an open person. Everyone I know knows about my surgery I am not ashamed in the slightest. But at what point does it just become something I had done rather than who I am?

I am aware it has made me who I am now. But when can I stop having to justify myself. I still feel like it has to be something I tell someone I meet. Especially if it goes further than just a coffee/whatever date.134dc26514d789b8d42fdc05f70026fa

How do I get around the issue of skin and boobs that are down to my ankles and rolls and rolls of fat.. that I have been made to be very aware of recently. Thanks for that. When you let someone in and they use the things that would be the most cutting to hurt you as best as possible.

How do you tell someone, “well look, I’d like to get naked with you! But I have to warn you first, it is not pretty!” Clothes cover it for the most part, but when they have gone, its “ugh-oh”! Well most of you who have had surgery know exactly what it’s like because you are living with it too!

a5c3a340d259c4b9da6bd7547693c52dFive years ago I never thought I would have to care about this again! My husband didn’t mind about any of that. And probably most men don’t, it all works the same after all, and the men I have been in relationships with haven’t had perfect bodies either, far from it!
But as a woman, you are made to feel like you need it. All smooth and perfect. I know reality is alot different, even slim people don’t have perfection. But it would be nice not to look like this too!

Maybe I should just start directing people here so they get a preview first!

genuine-peopleYes that’s my plan!

Then only genuine people will end up with my time :)

I AM most definitely worth it!

Until then, I will just enjoy what happens.


H x

Because I know Clare will appreciate this!!!! LOL!!!!

Because I know Clare will appreciate this!!!! LOL

Oh Positive!

13 Aug

How ironic.
I have been called the opposite of that lately, but I am filled with positivity! It runs through my veins baby!
Feels a bit strange knowing this little bit of information, I have no idea what I can do with it and to half the world knowing their blood group is just a given. But we don’t get told it here. I knew they were taking it for this op though and it just dawned on me to ask, so the nurse looked it up for me and I am;

O Positive Blood

O Positive Blood

Because your blood group is O Rh positive, you are especially important.

Around 38% of the donor population share your group, but what makes you even more important is that, if necessary, your blood can be given to anyone who is Rh positive (regardless of their blood group) – and that’s a staggering 83% of people.

So your blood could help eight out of every ten hospital patients, whether they’re mothers and new-born babies, people being treated for cancer, or having planned operations like a hip replacement.

Female donors can give blood three times a year and male donors can give blood four times a year. So please be sure to keep up your outstanding work and donate regularly if you possibly can.

you_are_so_special-54974I feel special!

But not unique! Oh well can’t be everything lol

I had no sleep at all last night, I started writing this post about 5am then got distracted by something I read on Facebook (yes I’m back on there sadly!) it was an article about concealed depression and I felt like I was reading something written just for me. It all just seemed to make sense. I understood every single point that was being made and I could see myself in it. No one knows what goes on inside the mind of another. I appear very happy to people, always smiling and talking to people, but no one feels what I do and up til now I didn’t get it myself but this article showed me just what I’ve been doing most of my life.

1. They may intentionally make efforts to appear OK and maybe even seem exponentially happy and upbeat.
The idea that those with depression all have one similarly dreary personality is false. Depression is more than just a mood. Those who live with depression have learned to alter their apparent moods, and may even be some of the most seemingly “happy” people that you know. Personalities can vary. Often those with depression try to stick with the positive and public parts of their demeanor regardless of what they’re going through on the inside. No one wants to bring others down, even if that means hiding how he or she is truly feeling.

I am so good at this now I don’t even know I’m doing it.

Point 3 is so truthful it actually hurts to read!

3.They may have trouble with abandonment.
Anyone who has experienced depression understands the burden it can be. It can also be a burden for those closest to them. Sometimes when you let someone in enough to see the struggles you have, they walk the other way. Though it’s hard to blame these people for leaving, it creates a serious feeling of abandonment for those with depression. It forges a need for secrecy, out of fear of the recession of those they love. There is nothing more heartbreaking than finding out your ugliest layer of self is too ugly for someone you love to handle.

And only recently have I discovered how bad it was. I have trouble letting go of things. You’ve probably read that here yourself, but certain people who were in my life, know this too well, but instead of trying to understand and realise something isnt right, they cut me out of their life at a time when I need them the most. I am always the one who tries to get in touch first when something goes wrong with a friend, because I just can’t cope without them. I hate myself, hate life, hate everything until I make things right, but I’m now realising that’s not always possible and its not my fault, I have to try and let go, no matter how much it hurts. If people don’t want to be in my life or want me to be in theirs, then I have to respect that and let them get on with it. It doesn’t make me a bad person.

5. They may have abnormal sleeping and eating habits.
This may seem like a small sign or factor, but it has a grave effect. Those who live with depression in an unrevealing way can sometimes only let the little signs show. Sleeping too much or too little are textbook examples. The same goes for eating too little or too much. Sleep and nutrition are two critical elements to health. They are also two elements that the human mind can attempt to control. Depression creates a suffocating lack of control, and being able to control at least something, can be all a person has. Sleep can be nearly impossible, or it can be the only escape. The same goes for eating.

When I feel abandoned, all I want to do is go to bed, try and sleep and make the pain go away, I don’t want to do anything. It’s the most horrible feeling. I hate it, I can only function when I come up with a plan to make things better with the person I’m fighting with. Sometimes it works, sometimes it makes things worse! So the whole cycle starts again.

6. They may understand substances differently.
A person who handles their depression also knows how to monitor what they put into their body. They know alcohol is a depressant, and drinking it over an extended period of time can create a mental state of low that they are less equipped to handle than the average person. They know that caffeine and sugar are uppers for their moods. They know what medications do what. They know what doesn’t mix well. They know all of this because altering their state of mind in any way is much more of a responsibility than it may be for other people.

This explains so much. Why I’ve stayed away from alcohol for almost twenty years. How when I was happy for a brief moment, I was able to drink and enjoy it! And why sugar has played such a huge, but bad role in my life. Self medication!

10. They at some times will release subtle cries for help.
Even a person who knows how to live with the burden of their own mind can need help. Outcries from people you aren’t expecting are easily overlooked. Sometimes it isn’t safe for people to be on their own with their depression; as much as they say differently. Sometimes they will reach out. Sometimes they will open up. These moments are the most crucial, because they are especially powerful. They are what builds a bridge between people who have different levels of emotions and mindsets. They are what creates a closeness and trust among friends and lovers that isn’t always easy if some feel they have to camouflage their true selves.

I wish this had been seen by the people I needed to see it the most. When I was off my medication and trying so desperately to hold onto something that was bad for me, I wish you could have held my hand through it and help me out of it. absense in lifeI am feeling in a better place now, but that’s probably because I am back on new medication, plus new people in my life are helping me in ways they don’t even know. I need to try and not depend on people, but it can be so hard when you form connections. I have tried reaching out to people, but its gone ignored and it makes me sad, but I can hold my head high, knowing I can do the right thing. I am not a bad person, just someone who makes mistakes and learns by them and hopes not to repeat them again, but that doesn’t mean I wont, but does that mean you get to walk away as if I never existed? I guess that’s on you and your own conscience.

11. They seek love and acceptance, as every person does.
Shielding the world from one’s personal demons is not done so for the sake of dishonesty. People who live with depression in a private and undisclosed way do so for protection. This is for the protection of their hearts. This is for the protection of the people around them. This is for the protection of the success of their dreams. Some of those reading this may have felt an eerie connection to these habits. Whether you have been treated for depression, or you simply have treated yourself, you know how easy it is to feel alone. I entitled this article about those with unseen depression, but the truth is that most depression goes unseen by our human nature. We live in a world that encourages us to hide what is dark and unpleasant. We don’t have to.

The most important habit and motivation of those with unseen depression to understand is that they search for love and acceptance. open-your-heartWe all do. The only way to gain it is to spread it. Never turn away from a person who seems to be struggling. Love when it’s difficult. Cry when you need to. Reach out when someone closes the door. Open your heart, even if it feels terrifying to do so. If we keep forcing the bad to go unseen, the good will also go unseen.

Open your heart!

Especially to someone you care about who is struggling with life. You may not like what they’re doing, but they will appreciate it in the long run when they are far enough away from the pain to see what happened.

So yeah this really opened up my eyes to understand my own world. How and why I sometimes do things that I don’t understand. Life isn’t always straight forward and the things we do can make no sense, but then something comes along and its like a lightbulb was turned on! an AH-HAH moment!

I was thinking about this all night then, I couldn’t get it out of my head and really wanted to write it down so I don’t forget it. It might help someone else, but mainly it’s mostly for me.

2015-08-13 13.38.17

My belly button is here somewhere lol

I saw a surgeon around 08:30 this morning. He told me the hernia was rather large, the hole was small but there was a big sac that had pushed through with alot of stuff in it, which might explain why it took so damn long, because they only told me it would take about an hour, but the time missing from my life is four bloody hours! So where did they go? What were they doing? Did they have a party in my tummy? It actually feels like it! And did they shave around my belly button! Not a happy bunny! I’m so tender and my mouth is so dry and sore from the tube. He said they didn’t use a mesh they were able to sew it up and he said I was free to go! So I rang my dad and was home by 9am. Im trying my hardest to stay awake as long as possible, so I don’t mess up my sleeping. I don’t know if I will make it though and I really, really, really! want a bath and I can’t have one yet.

Oh and to top things off, about three weeks, yes THREE weeks of no driving! What will I do. That is not going to work for me.

Being in there has definitely made my mind up on one thing though, I really want to be a Health Care Assistant! Some how I have to get into it. It’s just so hard these days, but I shall be persistent.


So I shall take my O-so-Positive body and work on the things I need to. Become less depressed and less dependent and more HCA. It is my plan!

Got to love a plan!


H x

Lessons to learn.

8 Aug


I walked into Costa this morning and one of the girls turned around and said “Omg look at you, I can really see how much weight you have lost!”
I still find it so hard to deal with, it feels nice of course, but my brain doesn’t like it. I hear myself saying, yeah but I go so much more to lose. Wish I could just appreciate it for what it was and learn to enjoy it. Always making excuses!

I have to keep remembering where I am now. I started to make an album yesterday, click link to have a look at some pics. Hopefully it works.

Here are three face pics from there, first is 2013, one is day of surgery and other is last night. Crazy!

I don’t see the change until I really look at something like this. And it is working! I feel amazing, I just need my head to hurry and catch up. But people in my life are really not helping with that at the moment though.

Got my new meds yesterday, had a tablet this morning and ended up back in bed for four hours! Maybe I need to take them at night in future! I could quite happily go back there now as well.
Not planning on the gym today, want to do something with the dogs, not sure yet, was meant to be going to Bristol balloon fiesta, but because of certain people, I left it too late and all the car parking spaces were gone.
Ah well maybe next year!

Still feeling a bit lost but coming to terms with everything.
Antipsychotics and mood stabilisers do not strip me of my personality and make me malleable to do what others want because I have no clue of what I want.
I can smile knowing that I’ve got my own mind, my own personality that won’t be pushed around and I’m most definitely NOT a wet fish.
That makes me so happy!
Can you really call it a happy relationship, or even an actual relationship, when you don’t even know the real person, when they are so dumbed down on medication you don’t know who they are?
The real person only came out when the meds stopped. And that person isnt very nice.
But I guess as long as they need you, and depend on you, and my god do you have to be needed, it feels good for you to be needed. It’s your own fake love bubble. Enjoy while it lasts! I’ll never understand it.

Always be moving forward not backward.


That is my new motto! Thank you Johnny.

wpid-1d7786383f37a0b5d5d9bc420cd1b363.jpgAs they say I guess everything is sent to try us and I have most definitely been tried!
I’ve been told alot lately lucky escape! Lucky escape! But I need to make my own call on that. Not be made to feel it’s my only option.
I will get to where I need to be when my brain has caught up, until then you’re just pushing me away.

I have to do what is right for me and I might not always make the right choices, it might take me twenty years, but I’ll get there!

And when I do get there, I will have learnt a lesson and that’s what its all about. I need to make my own mistakes to learn from them.
I guess you will too. Just wish you had left me out of this mistake and dealt with it without using me to get even with someone else!

I know my posts are a bit random lately, but that is how my brain is right now! I need to get things out of my head and this is the only way I know. Some of this will make sense to some of the people reading, alot of it wont. A few posts have been made private so only if you managed to read them will you understand or if you know me for reals! Which probably isnt something you want right now with how insane I sound! lol

Doggy time!


H x


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