Emotions Everywhere and I’m Starting to Care!

So so much has happened since I last posted. It’s been surreal.

So I started work the following morning, it was damn hard but I enjoyed it, the things I saw were heartbreaking and very emotional. I watched as Rosie did everything and helped when I could. The next day was my turn to do everything, by our second call I thought I was dying, this lady I was with, was 47, two years ago, she had a tumor removed in her pituitary gland, that night she had a stroke. Her left arm is stuck at a 90 degree angle and her legs are massive with cellulitis and are rock hard, it’s such a sad thing, but after dealing with all that, I was dying! From that moment on I was on a downward spiral all day, I knew it wasn’t going to be a good day. By the time we got to a call, where I could see the woman didn’t have more than 24h to live, which broke my heart as it reminded me of my nan. I knew I couldn’t carry on, I was sick and dizzy and just not well at all! So I told Rosie I had to go home.
I thought about what I was going to do, I knew with all my issues and now with my random sickness I get, I was confused. I really wanted this job, I was desperate for it, but could I actually physically do it?
I waited for my references to come through, and spoke to them about my concerns and they told me that they were going to ease me into it as I hadn’t worked for twenty years, so that made me feel better. I did however have my worries the whole time, but this was something I really wanted to do, so I pushed them aside.Then I got my start date!

I was so excited! They started me off with a lot of breaks in between calls. So I thought I would be okay. Oh how I wrong I was. By the time I had my long break I knew I was in trouble. I rang the office and said I was worried again, but I’d make an appointment with my doctor for the afternoon and speak to them and see what they said. She told me not to do anything as it was my first day, but I was worried, I knew how much pain I was in, she didn’t.
I went to my doctor told her what was happening and she said Hayley, you cannot control your pain when you’re doing nothing?! And you want to do a physical job..  It’s not going to get better, it’s going to get worse.

I knew she was right, so I went home and made the phone call to them to say I couldn’t do it and I was distraught. I got home and sobbed and sobbed, I was gutted. I then sent one of the girls in the office a message saying how sorry I was etc etc. And she said to me they had been talking and thought what about if I just did sits. And I thought about it and said yeah I could do that, it’s easy, you sit with someone while their family member goes and does what they need to, mini respite for a few hours. How hard could that be!?

It started off okay, then slowly they were putting more on me, there was a couple I was looking after on the weekends, who had dementia, they both had different types. And boy was it hard.
I don’t need to go over all the hard stuff that happened, but the day I realised that I couldn’t do it, was a Sunday I was at this couples house, and I fell asleep at the kitchen table, it was only nodding off, but I knew something wasn’t right, that’s not what I do, I started to be sick, so after a while, I rang and asked if I could go home early, and they told me there was no way I could leave, so I left it a bit longer and then sent a text message to their daughter and asked if I could leave and hour early, she told me she would be down right away.

So I left early and went home and I slept til the Tuesday, turned out I had tonsillitis again for the third time in three months! I was completely wiped out for two whole weeks again. I was so unwell. But that Sunday that I left their home, I knew I couldn’t do this job, if I couldn’t go home to be ill when I needed to, then I couldn’t do the job! It was just killing me.

I was distraught. But what could I do?

So now I’ve learnt my lesson I am not ready for work yet. So I’m going to wait until they force me to go and they can find me a job that I am able to do!

So of course all this sent me into a downward spiral, I thought I was ready, I thought I was picking my life back up, albeit twenty years later, with arthritis in both hips and my spine and having gone through weight loss service, my stomach and intestines removed, divorced to the husband I thought I would always be with and our twenty year anniversary being in April, I wasn’t coping well at all.

My food took a hit. I was just eating junk, no real food going in me and I didn’t care. I was starving myself again nutritionally, filling my face with junk like I did when I was 32 stone.

People think it’s easy. Stop eating lose weight. They have no idea it’s a mental issue, not a greed thing. No one can understand unless you have ever been obese. And even then, no one else has any idea of what is going on with you and how you got to be the size you did. There are usually stories for the reasons people gain huge amounts of weight and usually it is not down to just greed alone.  It is so much more complex than that.

But people judge. And boy do they judge obesity. I think I have said it before, but I think the reason get so angry and annoyed at obesity is because it can happen to them, so easily, just one thing changing in their lives can send them into the same spiral that I found myself in twenty years ago. It’s so easy for it to happen. 1lb 7lbs 20lbs it’s so easy to creep up  because of one thing that happens in your life, or it could be a huge life changing thing that happens.  We just don’t know the future and what could happen.
And I think that is why people judge so harshly with obesity. 

So I got to a point where I was starting to feel my clothes getting tighter, I was ignoring it. I didn’t care I wanted junk and only junk! But I knew I was screwing myself over, how could I carry on with what I was doing! I’m going to ruin everything.

So last week I closed my eyes and stepped in the scales! I wanted to hurt myself so much! From my lowest, I was only there for a day, but two and a half stone back on!

Wtf wtf wtf!

Ugh guess what today is the start of.

Pouch reset time.

So the last time I did this, I went almost four weeks without eating I was so petrified of eating again, I couldn’t make myself eat not matter what I did. Even seeing the psychologist didn’t help. The only thing that made me eat again was getting tonsillitis, I think that was my body saying hey missy, eat or I’m going to give you and illness you have never had in your life before because your immune system is so low right now!

Yeah that made me eat again!

And God did I eat again! That was the start of me not stopping which was just intensified when I realised I couldn’t work!

So I started with the five day pouch test and oh dear it started again! I got scared of eating, only kept it kind of under control, day five I managed to force myself to eat a cheese omelette in the evening and today I have made food.  Good real food that my body needs, not junk, I think I needed that to make me think about the fact I actually needed protein and vegetables and all things a good healthy vegetarian needs!

How long it will last is anyone’s guess, but here I am trying and writing on my blog again. It’s always good to write here, I know I’m doing okay when I’m back.

So here I am eating good food, writing and hoping to continue on the good path, though this time next week I shall be on a 90s weekend in Butlins, so I might be on a very strict time limit! Ha

Soon, with luck!

H x

 

Work work work!

So I woke up this morning heart racing, mind going crazy back in half, sciatica making me cry out in pain and I was petrified.
I knew that this was my last morning of waking up as normal.
Tomorrow when I do the exact same thing, I know my whole world is about to change.
To say I am scared is an understatement of epic proportions.
The last time I worked was in April 1996 and I was responsible for pressing ties! Yep those things you wear around your neck to go to your job where you probably sit at a desk, or for funerals, or interviews, usually guys, but hey girls wear them too!

Tomorrow when I wake up and get myself ready and out to my car and drive to where I need to go, I am going to be responsible for humans! Real live people!
My life is about to change beyond all possible recognition.
Anxiety is all I feel right now, I have not felt comfortable since the moment I woke up, of course the pain doesn’t help and I’m thinking how on earth am I meant to look after other people when I’m in this much pain myself!
But in the same breath I also know I don’t want my life to carry on like it is.
I want to do something and I think I get on with people quite well and can take care of them, so in a way it does suit me.
I just hope I come back tomorrow and absolutely love what I have done but also shattered and want my bed! Lol
I’m not going to let my self disbeliefs take me down and stop me doing this.
I AM getting up at half five in the morning, and I WILL get ready for work and I SHALL go meet Rosie and start my work and help the faceless Mary! She is my first call as a support worker/carer! Me? A support worker and carer?!
This is surreal!
This is something I have to do or I am going to end up back at 32 stone again and I don’t want that.
Since being so so ill with the tonsillitis, I’ve eaten like a bitch and I’m not eating correctly now, I’m not getting any proteins or fibre in, my hair and nails are horrific and without even weighing I know I have put on weight and I have the nutritionist on Tuesday! So that’s another thing making me anxious.
So it’s all hopefully going to come together.
I will love my work and I will get control of my weight again, it’s like I’m not able to have a happy medium I either its everything or nothing at all, so with something else to focus on, hopefully everything will get back under control again and I will be OK.
I would definitely like another session with the psychologist again to discuss some things, I know where I’m going wrong, but sometimes it’s nice to have that objective person who wants to see you succeed for no other reason, than she’s being paid to! Lol
So yeah today everything is completely up in the air for me.

A whole twenty year absolutely appalling bad chapter of my life is coming to an end today and while I want more than anything for it to be gone, it’s also my comfort blanket and I am holding onto it for dear life while also wanting to let it blow off into the wind! And drown in the fucking ocean with the rest of all my bad shit!
It’s such a confusing, scary, anxious, exciting time for me and only tomorrow will I know how I feel.
Once I’ve made that initial getting out there and meeting Rosie I’m pretty sure I will be OK, it’s just that huge giant first leap for me, I’m scared I’m going to fall down into the abyss and no one will hear me scream!
That is the point of the abyss Hayley!

So a few hours have passed since I wrote that earlier sat in Costa with Latte in hand! I’m now at home and in twelve, yes twelve small hours, I’m going to be getting ready and scared senseless! When I got home I had a letter from Morriston asking me to go see the psychologist on Wednesday weirdly! So strange how I had said I wanted to see her earlier today and then it just appears, but I did have to ring up and change it, I can’t do that day as I’m in work til 15:00 and that’s half an hour later, so not feasible at all.

I don’t know how I feel right now, I’m numb and just want it to be this time tomorrow so I know what it was like.
I’m trying to put into words how I feel, but none of what I have written even comes close.
I spoke to my friend this morning and I get this!

Omg tell me I’m doing the right thing! I’m petrified Dan, fucking petrified
It’s a job which is much better than sitting at home everyday!
Thank you! Just what I needed!

He’s always a twat to me, but he tells me how it is.
Driving him home Sunday morning I wasn’t sure what we were talking about, but he kept telling me all things come to and end, so I say to him, you’re actually admitting its a good thing then? Because he hates letting me know he needs/wants me and he’s like but all things come to an end! So I ask, do you want this to end then, is that what you’re saying and he says no, that’s not what I’m saying.
He’s awful to me, but I’m addicted to him, so it’s shit!But with this new chapter in my life, I wont think about him as much and he will realise!

Oddly, if you have been following my blog from the start, you remember the guy I was with four years ago, he inexplicably added my sister on Facebook this week, then when she asked why, he said he had moved on etc but wondered how we all were, now this guy is in a relationship, he didn’t even like my sister when we were together and now adding her on Facebook… and he’s moved on?! By definition, that is NOT moving on.
Even if he wanted nothing to do with me, just the mere fact of adding her meant he thought of me.
Very very odd indeed.
Younger guys confuse me, yet I don’t want someone my own age!
I’m in a lonely pickle! lol

Anyway
Here is to all the new chapters, and to the next one that is changing my life for the better.
To being  from the person I was three years ago.

Thank you Roux-en-Y

Soon!

A very scared, anxious and tired H x

Abso-fucking-lutely!

Well today was the day!
I got out and wasn’t sectioned! hahah

So I took a road trip today, another two hospital road trip with a guy who I have known for four days. More on him later!

Get to Morriston and go in and see Michelle and I explain to her my whole issue with hoarding and eating food, then I come on to my latest problem!
I haven’t eaten for 17 or 18 days now with the exception of Milk, protein powder, gum and now… wait for it!
Farleys Rusks.
Yes those crunchy big biscuits for babies! How they hell they got into this no eating thing, I have no idea, but there we have it. Farleys Rusks, Hayleys food of choice!
After spending a very long hour, in which we discussed an awful lot including my marriage which made me cry when I realised how awful I had been to my ex husband, I had known this for a while, but speaking out loud, saying to someone that I would call him downstairs to get me another can of Pepsi Max from the kitchen which was probably twenty steps away, really upset me, if I had stayed being this me, the one who I was when we met, the one who I am again now after surgery, where could we have been, what could have happened to our lives if I had been normal! Who does that kind of thing. It was so selfish, everything was my way, he got a say in nothing and he always went along with it, no question because he loved me.
I think the relationship he is in now, might actually be the other way around and he is the more dominant one. I wish I had let us be equal and didn’t expect him to go out to work and provide for me and me do nothing, then when he came home, expected him to do everything else for me!
And I can’t even tell him how sorry I am.
I’m not sure which is harder to deal with, knowing I destroyed our relationship and THEN ended it or not being able to say sorry for being the person I was and while being in control of him, I was in no way in control of myself!

It’s very hard to take now. But I have to move on.

So I’m thinking I have an issue with eating and she seems to think it’s not eating I have a problem with, I have gone weeks without eating proper food, I have gone up and down the sweet/crisp aisle dozens of times and I have not been affected by any of it, I do not want it. Which is always the case, even when I’m buying it, I stand there and wonder, what do I want, nothing in particular and also everything I can see, so I look and look and finally settle on something I think I might want!
So then I take that home and I feel the need to eat it all at once, or give it to my brother, because firstly there is guilt there because I bought it and secondly I didn’t want it anyway so I need to find a way to get it out of my house and the most obvious answer is to eat the damn stuff as fast as possible!
My problem is actually a fear of losing control of shopping.

How weird, yet it makes absolute sense.
I can go shopping and buy food and eat it perfectly fine when I am buying the right food for me, but I am actually petrified of being in the supermarket and losing control and buying the stuff I don’t actually want, then the whole cycle begins! Because that is the point I lose control, I can’t lose control when I’m sat at home thinking about it, as there is nothing in my house I can eat that will make me feel like that.
Food isn’t my problem (not in this case! clearly it has been!) but I am scared of losing control shopping!
So we came up with some ideas for me to counteract it and be back in control.
And I feel a whole lot better about the situation.
I may not be perfect straight away, but I will get there again and it’s made me feel so so so much better knowing I am not losing control of eating, I’m not eating so how can I be, I didn’t realise I actually have that under control! It’s a fear of shopping and losing control while I am there and there are so many ways I can prevent that now I feel alot better about the whole situation!
It’s funny as I wasn’t really expecting her to be able to help me that much and yet she really has. I guess these people have this job for a reason!

Much more like it!

Last week I think I met three people three nights running and every single one of them told me I look so much prettier in real life than on my photos! It is still so hard for me to accept! I find it hard enough when people tell me I look pretty on my pics, i’m like wtf they looking at?! But then to be told it to my face is unreal and I still feel uncomfortable with it. I guess being a big fat blob for so long it will never feel any different.
However I cannot say it is not nice when I do hear it from someone!

The third person I met was only a last minute thing, someone cancelled on me and there was a guy I was talking to who lived close to me so I asked if he fancied going for a drive. He had said to me he was after nothing, so I thought why not!
I went and picked him and and we decided to go to the local services for a drink and I hadn’t shut up from the moment I picked him up!
When we got out of the car, something came to my mind so I said to him are you gay or bi, I have no idea why this even came to me, but he said yeah bi, I thought it was on my profile? I said I didn’t notice, which I hadn’t.
We sat there drinking and chatting for quite a while and we spoke about everything, nothing was off limits! And I was actually sad when I had to take him home. Next day I asked if he wanted to come for cuddles and a film and he said he would after work, this was all I wanted as I wasn’t sure how I felt about him being bisexual, so he turned up after work and I put a film on, but had to pause it as again we didn’t stop talking! A few hours later I said shall we go up to bed as my brother will be back soon and I knew he didn’t want to meet anyone yet, so we went upstairs and had a cuddle, movie on pause again and I looked up at him and I could see in his eyes he was desperate to kiss me! So I did.
Wow it was amazing and we did that for quite a while things progressed and stuff happens, but we didn’t have sex.

Yeah defo!! <3

I had an amazing night, but on the way home I said to him, I really really don’t think you are actually in to women, and I explained my reasons for coming to this conclusion to him and he said to me he had never thought about it like that, but when I pointed it out to him it made perfect sense and he really needed to have a think about what he actually wanted!
The next day he told me he had come off all the dating apps as he needed to figure out what was going on and again he thanked me for making him look at things. He had never been in a relationship with a man, and he had been in a 17 month on off relationship with a girl.
But something just felt right with this guy, we have connected on such a level and we think each other are amazing, but we know thats it, we know we have a friendship for life and we will be very close! But then later that evening he messaged me and wasn’t quite sure how to put it, but the on/off ex had messaged him to tell him a one night stand she had told her he had chlamydia, she had told him there was no one else and they didn’t need to use condoms he was distraught in having to tell me and for himself, in finding out she had lied to him! But after my reaction he said I don’t even know why I worried as I forgot you are frigging awesome! So I said I would go to the clinic in the morning and did he want to come with, so he did and I told him to get everything done, including bloods. The chances of anything for me are extremely slim, I’m not worried we hardly touched. But I prefer being smart about sexual health!

So then we started our road trip to Swansea, normally I have to have the radio on loud, but yet again, talking was just too much, didn’t even listen to one song and we spoke the whole way there and back, I have no idea what we have left to talk about, but it seems like we have everything and nothing all at once and we just seem to make total sense with each other.

These words have so much meaning to me!

If I could bend him poker straight he would be my ideal guy. I abso-fucking-lutely love him!

He makes me so happy!

Valentines day is ours!

Oh I have also found one of the beautiful boys from butlins on one of these apps! AND he replied to my message!! :D

Soon

H x

Surgiversary!

A whole frigging year!

Roux-En-Y September 10 2014

I can’t believe that’s over. This time last year I was unaware of what was happening to my body. Completely unconscious and NOT prepared for that pain, or the eight day stay in hospital!

But it was totally worth it.

Two pounds, two damn pounds off 200lbs in total. And so happy.

At my heaviest I weighed 203kg/448, 165kg/363/lbs before I started pre op and 155kg/341lbs the day before surgery. I am now 113kg/250lbs. I would have liked more after surgery. But in total it is alot to lose. It’s a large man to lose I guess. Who needs one of them strapped to their body all day?

Oh wait :D

I am not where I want to be. And who knows if I ever will be. But I am a completely different person as I have said many times. My life is unrecognisable from when I first started this blog. I didn’t leave the house for over three years, and alot of that time I didn’t even leave my bedroom. I was someone I didn’t recognise, that wasn’t who I was when I was younger, I was being suffocated in more ways than one by the fat that surrounded me.

I will never be a slim person, I let myself get too big before doing something about it, there is too much excess skin and fat that’s just never going to move on my body, but I can be happy and healthier than I have been in the last twenty years and for that I am ever so grateful to my surgery.

It’s been a huge rollercoaster of emotions and feelings and thoughts. I’ve met some wonderful and not so wonderful people along the way and I am so glad I have these people in my life now. Without surgery they wouldn’t be here and they have turned out to be some of my closest friends now.

One in particular I probably wouldn’t have got through the year without her. She has been my rock.. sometimes a rock that hits me in the head, but a rock none the less and I love her to pieces. And without surgery and this blog she wouldn’t be a part of my life right now. So if nothing else had come out of all this at least I have that. But it did, so she is just a bonus! lol

So now I guess we need some pics!

Because I love Retrica so much!

I need filters in my life to walk around with me forever!

Soon

H x

To date or not to date!

That is most definitely the question right now!

I’ve never been one to date. Always been in relationships and my last two just happened without any effort from me, but I don’t think I can be bothered with relationships anymore. So.Much.Hassle.

So what to do?

Date!?

Right now I have some options too! It’s been really quite fun. I’m going to become all American and go on multiple dates in a week and have no one special.

I am getting to know three people right now and it’s keeping me happy. I haven’t actually gone out with any of them yet. But they all live close to me this time! No more long distance like my last three.

I’m probably not in a place where I should be looking still, but it’s nice to have someone who makes you smile when they message you. I miss having that, so screw it is what I say right now. I’m not hurting anyone but potentially myself!

One is 40 so closer to my age and the others are 25 and 27. It’s funny how the younger men are always much more fun! Makes me sad.

It’s very daunting though. When do you decide the time is right to meet. And I still have this problem of wanting to tell people about what I’ve had done. That’s not an issue for me, as you know I’m quite an open person. Everyone I know knows about my surgery I am not ashamed in the slightest. But at what point does it just become something I had done rather than who I am?

I am aware it has made me who I am now. But when can I stop having to justify myself. I still feel like it has to be something I tell someone I meet. Especially if it goes further than just a coffee/whatever date.

How do I get around the issue of skin and boobs that are down to my ankles and rolls and rolls of fat.. that I have been made to be very aware of recently. Thanks for that. When you let someone in and they use the things that would be the most cutting to hurt you as best as possible.

How do you tell someone, “well look, I’d like to get naked with you! But I have to warn you first, it is not pretty!” Clothes cover it for the most part, but when they have gone, its “ugh-oh”! Well most of you who have had surgery know exactly what it’s like because you are living with it too!

Five years ago I never thought I would have to care about this again! My husband didn’t mind about any of that. And probably most men don’t, it all works the same after all, and the men I have been in relationships with haven’t had perfect bodies either, far from it!
But as a woman, you are made to feel like you need it. All smooth and perfect. I know reality is alot different, even slim people don’t have perfection. But it would be nice not to look like this too!

Maybe I should just start directing people here so they get a preview first!

Yes that’s my plan!

Then only genuine people will end up with my time :)

I AM most definitely worth it!

Until then, I will just enjoy what happens.

Soon

H x

Because I know Clare will appreciate this!!!! LOL!!!!

Lessons to learn.

I walked into Costa this morning and one of the girls turned around and said “Omg look at you, I can really see how much weight you have lost!”
I still find it so hard to deal with, it feels nice of course, but my brain doesn’t like it. I hear myself saying, yeah but I go so much more to lose. Wish I could just appreciate it for what it was and learn to enjoy it. Always making excuses!

I have to keep remembering where I am now. I started to make an album yesterday, click link to have a look at some pics. Hopefully it works.

Here are three face pics from there, first is 2013, one is day of surgery and other is last night. Crazy!

Jan 2013

Sept 2014

Aug 2015

I don’t see the change until I really look at something like this. And it is working! I feel amazing, I just need my head to hurry and catch up. But people in my life are really not helping with that at the moment though.

Got my new meds yesterday, had a tablet this morning and ended up back in bed for four hours! Maybe I need to take them at night in future! I could quite happily go back there now as well.
Not planning on the gym today, want to do something with the dogs, not sure yet, was meant to be going to Bristol balloon fiesta, but because of certain people, I left it too late and all the car parking spaces were gone.
Ah well maybe next year!

Still feeling a bit lost but coming to terms with everything.
Antipsychotics and mood stabilisers do not strip me of my personality and make me malleable to do what others want because I have no clue of what I want.
I can smile knowing that I’ve got my own mind, my own personality that won’t be pushed around and I’m most definitely NOT a wet fish.
That makes me so happy!
Can you really call it a happy relationship, or even an actual relationship, when you don’t even know the real person, when they are so dumbed down on medication you don’t know who they are?
The real person only came out when the meds stopped. And that person isnt very nice.
But I guess as long as they need you, and depend on you, and my god do you have to be needed, it feels good for you to be needed. It’s your own fake love bubble. Enjoy while it lasts! I’ll never understand it.

Always be moving forward not backward.

That is my new motto! Thank you Johnny.

As they say I guess everything is sent to try us and I have most definitely been tried!
I’ve been told alot lately lucky escape! Lucky escape! But I need to make my own call on that. Not be made to feel it’s my only option.
I will get to where I need to be when my brain has caught up, until then you’re just pushing me away.

I have to do what is right for me and I might not always make the right choices, it might take me twenty years, but I’ll get there!

And when I do get there, I will have learnt a lesson and that’s what its all about. I need to make my own mistakes to learn from them.
I guess you will too. Just wish you had left me out of this mistake and dealt with it without using me to get even with someone else!

I know my posts are a bit random lately, but that is how my brain is right now! I need to get things out of my head and this is the only way I know. Some of this will make sense to some of the people reading, alot of it wont. A few posts have been made private so only if you managed to read them will you understand or if you know me for reals! Which probably isnt something you want right now with how insane I sound! lol

Doggy time!

Soon.

H x

Time sink

So I’ve been off Facebook for most of this week. I went back for a day or two, but have left again and I now realise how much time I’ve spent on there. You don’t think you do, but apparently that’s not true in my case.

My fingers and mind have nothing to do lol I had alot of news likes on there and it was easy to read and now I can’t see it, it feels like too much effort to go to each site to find it all. I liked having it all there in front of me.

So what to do now?

Without my Facebook AND friends this week I need to find a new way to entertain myself. Maybe I will get lost in Pinterest or YouTube.

I do have one idea, thats already been put into motion and I am hugely proud of myself for it. Only one person knows I’ve done this, so if nothing happens, it doesn’t matter as that person is now irrelevant in my life.

I do have high hopes though and it will take away my boredom issue instantly!

Trust.

I’ve been thinking alot about it lately.

It’s a funny little thing. When you meet someone it’s kind of implicitly given. There is no communication about it, it just happens.
And it grows.
But when that is broken and the bond is gone, no matter what you do, it can never ever be the same. The connection is damaged, you can try and work around it, or over it or even with it, but in those moments when you don’t know where or what that person is doing, will you ever feel truly comfortable again?
It applies to both friendships and relationships.

I’m at a point where I need to make a decision to move forward or go back to something I once trusted completely, but was betrayed. Is it worth it? Will it bring back more bad memories than I really need to deal with right now. In one way it is tempting, because there were some very happy times, but in another I want to run away from it and never think about it again!

So many decisions right now.

I have been worried about this medication all night, so I rang the doctors this morning and he got back to me a few hours ago and has agreed to change it over for me, nearly made me go back on citalopram, but I managed to get out of that. I do have my reasons for not going back on that, lets just say I forgot what I was missing until I had it back again and I don’t want to lose it ever again!

I have a friend who has been on alot of this medication, shes on antipsychotics, antidepressants, mood stabilizers etc how she functions I’ll never know, so we were sat having a coffee after our gym session earlier and she was going through all of them telling me what her experience was with them and which might be good for me!
She thinks it’s better to try and get back on something now before I end up too low and its harder to get back out of bad place. I agree with her, but there is also a tiny part of me that doesn’t want to go back on them
Yesterday I was feeling alot better in the evening, but I had taken something and was on morphine, so was it a psychological thing? Have I just decided I’m not going to let others affect me and how I feel as no matter what they have said to me, they are not in my head and they don’t know whats going on and why I do what I do or do I just not give a damn anymore.
If you can’t understand me, or even accept what I do, then I don’t need you and I am better off without you. It’s funny though, people don’t want to be in my life, yet here they are reading my blog! How funny. Yes I can see you :)

Anyway, I guess I either have to limit what I say, change blogs or give up altogether, not decided yet.

Back to the gym!

And to get my HAPPY pills!

Soon.

Maybe :)

H x

To Mr Smith.. who I once knew.. but which one? :D

Keto – Oh No!

Keto, paelo, low carb etc is something I think about alot. Clare is the almost expert she is the one I go to when I need help. She has given me alot of information and I have read alot myself and it’s something I really want to stick to. It makes so much sense.
Carbs feed carbs it’s as simple as that. When I was on my pre op diet, after a few days, once you get through the pain it gets easy, you no longer crave the sugars and it just becomes a way of life. And it feels bloody good to be that in control of what you are eating. I’m pretty sure I was sticking to under 30g a day when I was on my preop. But since then, because I have nothing to work towards I find that so hard.

As anyone who knows me, I love my one shot latte from Costa and I can have as many as three a day (no one would care if I had five coffees at home, but everyone has an opinion on my Costa addiction!) so it’s bye bye keto right there!
I also suffer from another terrible affliction, I have an awful disease that no carnivores understand…

…I am a vegetarian! Oh no, the horror!

So again, that in itself makes going keto bloody hard!

But it’s something I want to do, I don’t want to be super low to begin with, I know I can’t do it, so I’m just going to aim under 50g that is going to be difficult with giving up my lattes, I’ll start going down to one a day. It can only be a good thing as I know I have used them as a food substitute, which is now getting harder as the hunger has come back. Goddamnit I did not miss that I can tell you! It’s funny how no one really talks about that. It’s not proper hunger like I used to feel, but it’s definitely there something I could really live without! Makes me feel pretty shitty.
So now I’m starting the research on how to go keto as a vegetarian, I’m reading this document I have found which looks quite interesting, I haven’t finished reading it yet as I haven’t had any time to just stop and focus. With the gym and road trips and people commitments I can’t get the time to give it my full attention, so I’m not 100% committed to it just yet, but keeping my carbs down as much as I can.
Doing this as a non meat eater obviously is going to be alot different, I need to get nutrients from other sources and my carb content is naturally going to be that much higher than someone who is a meat eater. I am OK with that, this is about me and doing the best for me and I cannot eat meat, no matter who says I should. It just ain’t gonna happen guys! Let’s all become vegetarians instead!

I have the nutritionist in 20 days and I would love love love to be under 18 (252) stone by then. I can’t see it happening though. There is no control over what my weight is, it has been like this since surgery, no matter what I do it will stick or move whenever it wants to regardless of any input on my part. Some people find that really hard to understand, and it’s very frustrating, but my nurse told me it’s expected, I am nearly 14 stone down in total, I have to be happy with that. But I still want to prove Mr Barry wrong!
I’m hoping I will get to see him in the next few months, my 12 month checkup should be in September and I really want to ask him about my legs. If I could get surgery on them it would help alot. Not even to look better for cosmetic reasons, though that would make me feel better, but for every day life reason, the fat pockets are in my way and often feels like I have something caught in my legs, it’s very annoying. And no amount of work I do at the gym is going to solve this and believe me, I’m putting in alot of work, I can feel muscles I’ve never felt before, in my thighs and arms but they are coated in mounds of excess skin! If I feel brave enough I shall show my legs (be warned- NOT pretty!) when I get home! No matter what we do or how hard we now work nothing is ever going to let us forget what we used to be, yes we might have abused ourselves but when we finally see what we’ve done and need help, we will always have a reminder and never look normal. It’s very disheartening.

I went for my preop appointment this morning, had the most miserable nurse I have ever had the pleasure of meeting going through it all with me. He was most unhelpful and quite rude, I was trying to explain about the diabetes situation, but he wasn’t listening, and said I don’t care what you were, sat across from the table from me now are you diabetic.. I gave up and said no.. So if my bloods go crazy, it’s his fault! I have to go into hospital at 07:30 next Wednesday have to see the anaesthetist because my bmi was 41 and it’s not meant to be over 40 then hopefully there will be a bed and I will get my hernia repaired. Though he did say there probably won’t be a bed! Fabulous indeed!
I’m scared of how this is going to affect me. Will I put weight back on? No exercise or driving for a couple of weeks at least. I am slightly worried.

They say losing weight is all about the food exercise just strengthens and tones you, so if I can get my head into doing keto then I guess not being able to exercise shouldn’t matter at all.
So this is the plan this week, brain be prepared ketosis is coming!

I found a bubble!

Had to take a break from the gym.
I hurt myself during the planking fun, and now my sciatica is playing up pretty bad in my right leg, so I was only going to the gym to walk on the treadmill or elliptical.
I don’t feel great about it, but there was nothing I could do, I just hope I can get back on it next week, can’t at the moment, I’m sitting in a very warm conservatory in Berkhamsted, watching Corrie and thinking I need to post!

The last two weekends have been great for my self esteem, but not for my weight!
Last Friday I got very very drunk. I don’t drink very often and thought I wouldn’t bother again, but Clare and Robert insisted! And I’m so glad I accepted, it was so much fun and I don’t think I have even been that drunk and the bonus was there was no hangover! I had a lovely weekend and it was over all too soon, but I knew I was going here (London) so had that to look forward to.

When I go back home, I really need to get back to basics before I ruin everything. It’s crazy how easy it is to allow bad things back in your life. I still have such a long way to go and so much to learn, after a lifetime of living the way I did, it’s not too much to expect bad times, as long as I recognise them, then it’s OK.

Friday nearly ended in disaster again. My plan was to drive to berkhamsted, got into the car to go to docs and pick up medication. I was feeling unwell thinking I just had a bad tummy because I haven’t been eating right at all. At the doctors Karen said I looked tired and I said I thought it was because of my tummy and was thinking I should go back home before I left.
Got to the chemist and I soon realised it wasn’t my tummy, it was the hernia again. Just what I wanted before a three odd hour journey. I popped back into the doctors to ask if they could quickly help but they said no they wouldn’t touch it and I needed to go to a&e as soon as possible. I got home as quickly as I could, ringing my dad on the way to say I needed hospital, I got in through the door and took everything off, it was all annoying me including my shoes and watch I ran upstairs to go to the toilet and my fingers and legs were going all tingly and cold, I shouted to my brother to say I thought I was going to faint. He wanted to call me an ambulance, I really thought I was going to need one, but I’m so scared of being a pain I managed to talk him out of it, dad arrived and made him call but I was shouting at them saying I needed to go now, so he cancelled it. Got in the back of dads car led down and just tried to breathe, the sweat was just dripping off me, it was like a tap, I guess that was my body’s way of dealing with the pain, otherwise I don’t know. I was shivering like hell and felt awfully sick.
Registered at the desk and they took me through within ten mins, saw a nurse who put on a cannula and took obs and she said I would be going through to majors. I got a wheelchair and taken over. Then the pain really kicked in, I was sat on a bench in so much pain. Leaning forward head in one of those cardboard sick bowls, my eyes wouldn’t stay open and I probably looked like I was in labour with my breathing lol
My mum and brother turned up to check on me, it was so hard to talk to them. They were there about twenty minutes and the pain got very intense and I thought oh crap, not again and with that it was gone! In one way I was so relieved but in the other I really wanted this whole thing over and get my operation done! I asked someone what I should do and they wanted me to wait, saw we did. I was now feeling very silly and so glad I didn’t have the ambulance.
About an hour later I finally got to see the doctor and all the bloods had come back fine, but he wanted to check one more to make sure there wasn’t any ischaemia, so I had another sample taken, with a rubber glove as a tourniquet! That was also fine, my bowel wasn’t dying! So obviously there was no point in having the operation now, just need to wait it out til next month he said and with that I was allowed to go home.

Dad dropped me home, I sorted our my hair and black eyes and off I went on my long journey. It’s a good drive I just get on the M4 all the way to the M25 and I’m almost there, nice and easy (though not on the way back it seemed!!)
I got to Berkhamsted and sat in Costa and met Robert. We went out for a lovely meal with his mum, on Saturday we went to London, I had never been before so I was very excited. The underground scared the hell out of me, so far down and bloody hot! We spent the whole day walking and shopping and Costa-ing I had a wonderful day and done 21,000 steps, I was so tired, but totally worth it.
I do still have a lot to work on with myself. Obviously being overweight all your life, you’re not exactly friends with yourself. I know some people say they are happy with it, but I never was, I have loathed myself most of my life and buried my feelings in food and my house by not leaving it. As a person I think I am quite happy though, so it’s weird, I don’t actually think of myself as negative, but I’m being made to realise I am and I have to try and change, if I do ever want to be OK with myself.
Rob is definitely opening my eyes up. My marriage was something that happened when I was young. We grew up together, but I was always in charge, he would never stand up to me, it was like he had no mind of his own and he was just happy to go along with whatever I said. While that is great for an easy life, it is not what I needed. I had moved away from home at a young age and had no support, I was making decisions that were just not right for me and I had no one to question it at all. We just went on year on year nothing changing except my size. Don’t get me wrong, we got on very well and I loved him, but it was more like a family love than something that excites and inspires you and is passionate and a little bit crazy. Having no children we could have experienced so much more in life but we didn’t. We sat in our home watching telly and playing computer games. At the time I thought this is what I wanted, he was a good person, but there was just no passion, no drive, just two people existing together quite happily waiting til whatever came along to shake it up a bit. Only nothing ever did. I loved him up until the day we split up, but as a friend said to me the other day having someone who doesn’t push you and has no mind of their own, it just becomes unattractive in the end, and I guess thats how it was so easy to just let 16 years together go. There was nothing there.
The person who came into my life after my husband left was just what I needed to get through my life at the time. He was too young and I was too old and very depressed, but he was there when I needed it and helped me through some hard times. We both knew deep down it would never go anywhere, but I cared for him alot. Everything was in complete secret with him though. No one knew we were together. I wasn’t ready and he wouldn’t have wanted to let anyone know he was with me and I don’t blame him for that at all. He was very stubborn and much more interesting relationship wise, because I couldn’t push him into what I wanted, but it was with him I made the decision I needed to have surgery and he was very good through that. I was very sad when we called time on what we had.
I’m not a person who wants to be in relationship after relationship, I saw that when I was growing up and decided that was not for me and I was lucky enough to meet Antony and thought that was it forever, clearly I was wrong then after Matthew I had decided that was it for a long long time at least. I was not interested I didn’t want to be that person.
Then Robert came into my life. He has been so good for me. I felt very uneasy to begin with and his intensity completely freaked me out at the start, but after staying at his last weekend I feel very different about it. We were in Costa in London on Saturday and I was slightly uncomfortable with it all, then all of a sudden it didn’t matter, we were in a very busy coffee shop and we were in our own little bubble, nothing else mattered, I didn’t care who was there or looking, it was just the two of us that existed and I absolutely loved that. I don’t think I have ever felt less self conscious in my life and I didn’t want it to end.
It’s really strange how the thing that was scaring me the most at the start is now the thing I crave the most from him.
It feels great to be like this, I am slowly letting my past go, along with my fears, I’m not saying it’s going to all happen today or even this month, but right now I know this person is making me very happy and I want to spend all my time in our blissful little bubble!

This post has taken me over a week to write, I think I’ll finish it for now, there is alot more I can add, I might continue at some point. Again if none of this is good, its because its been done in bits and on my mobile when I’ve been out lol so appologies!

Moving forward, don’t look back

I feel so much better after being to the gym twice in a day and then going to my favourite place for my Costa Coffee, makes me feel like I deserve it now and it tastes even better.

I went to Tai Chi this morning I had never been before, so was unsure what to expect. I guess it’s about becoming more aware of yourself, letting go of stress, connecting with the elements, and your body and acknowledging the past and being open to the future, with the movements and words being used it felt very relevant in my life right now.

Especially after the weekend away.

I was faced with things I was not expecting and it brought up alot of feelings,  mostly negative and I was not prepared or ready to deal with them, I’ve been pushing everything away and trying not to deal with emotional things that are not weight related. I’ve made myself a little bubble of where I’m happy and what I want for the future so I can protect myself. I don’t need anyone in my life who is going to send me back to where I was. It’s been hard moving away from that.

The weekend started with me going to see a friend, I was happy, was going away for the night meeting a new friend and have a moan about our exes as we had been bonding over heart-break the last week or so, I was looking forward to seeing him and having a fun time.
I drove what felt like half way across the country lol about 150 miles to a beautiful little town called Berkhamsted. Initially, I felt totally out of place, it was a world away from what I was used to pretty little shops and cafe’s very quaint and felt like I was on the set of a film!

I checked in to a Premier Inn and went to meet him, nerves didn’t kick in until I took a wrong turn and ended up in a different street, but I needn’t have worried. He was just the same as he was the last couple of weeks that I’ve been talking to him, so I was completely at ease and relaxed and my initial fear of being there was gone. Even if he does think I still have issues about it, I don’t, I just like playing on the differences ;p
We already had a plan, of sorts, about what we were going to do, he wanted to take me for a walk up a local beacon, which he thought was bigger than my mountain, ha how wrong he was! I walked up there easily, which I was very happy about, I was a tiny bit out of breath, but not enough to care, it felt amazing. Getting to the top, I was greeted with a picturesque view, although the wind was bitter up there and I didn’t have a coat, it didn’t take away the charm of where I was and he was very sweet and tried to take off his jacket to give to me, but I wouldn’t wear it.

After the walk we decided to go out for a meal at a proper restaurant which I had never been to before, so I was a little nervous. When we went in, it was all candles and dim lighting and felt slightly romantic, I thought oh god, this is going to be awkward.
It was a lovely meal, even with the small amount I ate, he was very charming and attentive, had very good conversation and it actually didn’t feel awkward at all. He was very intense and made me feel like I was the only person in the room, it was a little strange as I had never been made to feel like that before, but I actually quite liked it. His attention was completely and utterly on me. Though I wasn’t quite sure what to do with this as I had gone for the visit as friends, but I was definitely enjoying myself!

However;

That’s where the lovely evening started to go bad . Going back to the car I knew something was wrong. I was hoping so much I just had a bad tummy from the food. But if course not, that would be too easy.
Hernia hell incoming!

By the time I drove us back to the hotel, I was in so much pain, and trying to hide it, but I realised I had to tell him what was going on. For two hours he was the sweetest kindest person, trying to help me, I was desperate not to show how much pain I was in, I couldn’t believe this was happening. He ran me a bath as that worked last time and helped the hernia go back in, so I sat in there for about half an hour, but it just wasn’t moving, so I got back out and led on the bed, hoping gravity would help. Nope, so we decided he should try to help push it back in. This was so odd, we had never met each other and I had this almost stranger, pushing all their weight onto my tummy trying to push my insides back in where they needed to be! It was surreal to say the least and I was finding it quite funny between trying not to scream and wanting to run away! He  came across something on google, which said to use ice on it, so he ran down to the bar and came back with a pint of ice, and he decided no towel or holder was necessary and was trying to put it on me like that! I was not impressed and made him get me a towel, so much better, I am clearly smarter with these things! And then I sat there for a good while, with freezing cold ice on me, he kept wanting to phone for an ambulance, but I didn’t want that,  I didn’t want to go to hospital I really didn’t want this happening at all, I told him he could go and I would be okay, I was trying to be strong. I didn’t want him to feel obliged to me. It was horrible. But of course he didn’t go, I think he was scared to death I was dying! I finally admitted defeat after about two hours, though it felt like five and we went to the urgent care centre. I registered and we sit down and  the pain is getting worse, I start getting very hot and sweaty and he mentions it and there is nothing I can do, it’s my body trying to deal with the pain and I just want to die and be anywhere but there, this is not how I wanted to end the night, getting ready for emergency surgery in England 150 miles from home!
The nurse called me in and I explained everything to him and he takes me out the other side to wait to see a doctor. Within about ten minutes of sitting there, I get a huge pain in my stomach and immediate relief! It’s gone, all that fuss again for it to just disappear, but I couldn’t have been more thankful. I talk to the nurse and tell him whats happened and he said I could go as there was nothing they could do now and to take things very easy. I walk back out to the waiting area to find him, suddenly realising what a mess I am, not that I look good most of the time anyway, but I was there with wet leggings and a t-shirt from the ice, no bra and probably black eyes from being so stressed and totally drained from all the pain. What a fun night I provide!

I drive us back to the Premier Inn and he wants to make sure I’m ok, so he comes up and we watch tv for a bit and talk about everything and nothing, which was really nice, he has a way of getting things out of me I find hard to talk about and he listens, doesn’t just pretend to listen like a lot of people, he actually pays attention and uses it to get more from you, he is very sneaky, but in a good way!
So I’m finally feeling calm and relaxed and then in one moment everything changed, for the better.

For the last three years since my marriage broke down, my life has just been at a standstill.
I was completely focussed on one thing, getting surgery, yes I was kind of sharing my life with someone, but it wasn’t going anywhere, he was what I needed at the time and it suited us, but I knew when that came to an end, I was done, I didn’t want the hassle of meeting someone, starting again just to get hurt, it’s too hard, so I always had a plan, I was quite happy with my plan or I thought I was and now all of a sudden everything has turned upside down and I no longer know what I want, what I’m doing, who I am or where I’m going.

It’s been such a fun weekend, which went in a completely different direction to what I was anticipating and I really, really, REALLY wasn’t prepared ;)
It seems to have completely screwed with my head in so many ways I’ve never imagined. I am flustered and don’t know if I’m coming or going (thank you Clare, who finds this hilarious BTW!!!!)
Things I thought I knew, I no longer know if they were true.
Things I thought I wanted have changed.
And things I didn’t think I wanted now seem to be in my head.
I had given up on feeling any different to what I was. I’m scared and excited and happy and crazy.
I am petrified of what’s happening, but loving it at the same time.
As you can tell my head is a complete mess at the moment and I don’t know what I’m thinking, I really need to let go of the old me, stop holding on to my fears and the past, leave it behind me and let this just happen. But I also don’t know if I can let go.

Which is where going to Tai Chi was so odd, it was like as if it was telling me what to do, I couldn’t believe Jackie was saying these things and it was just the basis of my whole weekend, letting go and being open to my future.

We have spoken all the time since I have been home and he is coming to see me in a week or so. He tells me I have walls up and I don’t know if I agree with him, but I have had to deal with so much the last few years and I am still trying to find who I am going to be after such a huge change in my life.
Maybe he will help me become who I am meant to be, but he will have to be patient, I am still quite delicate, I might make jokes about serious things and not realise it, but time will help, when you’ve been so horribly overweight all your life its hard to believe and allow something good to happen, you almost feel like you don’t deserve it, like you are a lesser person some how and I need to protect myself, because even though the weight might be slowly going away, my mind needs time to catch up, I am still her, she is still me and we don’t know if we are allowed to be happy in that way!
I always feel like I have to tell people what I’ve had done, I feel like I’m cheating them some how if I don’t. Like I’m not worthy to just allow people to know me as I am today, and be my friend for who I am now in this moment.
I need them to know I failed most of my life and I might not actually be worth knowing. I get to know right away then if they are going to judge me I guess.
Where this has come from I don’t know, this isn’t something I have thought about until right now. Maybe I do actually need to stop telling people about my past and let them know me for me. It’s something I allowed to happen to me and I made the changes I needed to, to get control back again. It does not make me who I am?

How weird I have never thought of it like that before.

I need to do some thinking!

Soon

H x